When life is challenging and I when feel overwhelmed, it tends to shadow my inner spark. I was looking around yesterday and it felt as if a veil of boredom and dread overcame me. What has changed? I asked myself, and then it hit me that my daughter has began school again and the traffic to work and back has been heavier than usual (not to mention the ongoing road construction to and from the office). The old stale routine of American life is hitting me hard. I recall my dad driving me to school each morning and how I would fade into my own inner darkness about the imposed and dreadful routine of our lives. I’m an artist. There is nothing more frightening to me than a stale and predictable daily routine. I don’t enjoy that our lives are institutionalized. I’m so fortunate to have a job where I have a lot of freedom, but the drive there always reminds me that I am still surviving by having a job. I mean, my soul wants to soar, but in order to pay the bills, I’ve got to do the 9 – 3 thing (thank god it’s only part-time). To top it off we are getting ready to move again (third time in a year) and my body is clinching up in complete resistance to the thought of having to get settled in, yet, another place. This one is permanent though, so I can at least relax a little in that knowing. And the idea of feeling settled and secure is delightful, but getting there feels like I’m scratching my nails along a chalkboard.
I woke up feeling tense, not present about the loveliness of everything beautiful surrounding me, but heavy with that same old dread. Deep inside, the joy is there knowing that everything is going to be fine. I know this. I feel it, but old thought patterns and fears like to brew. What is it that I need right now? I ask myself. Just some good old fashioned grace, and for things to fall into place with ease is all. Then I was graciously reminded of my own inner strength and how when I am challenged like this, that this is my chance to tap into that inner lion. It’s not time to fold or to become depressed. It’s time to stand up strong and to use all of my strength and courage to move through this heaviness. We forget how incredibly strong we are. We miss the whole point of life’s challenges. I have everything in me to overcome my worries, my fears, my stress. I am grateful (although hesitant) that I am given the mundane physical realm as a roadmap to tap into the depths of myself. I have resources beyond what the eyes can see. Time to bust those out. Time to roar! (You have nothing on me, Miss Perry).
Regardless of how I am feeling, I can still practice kindness, give myself to others, be a light and trust that I’m being guided. I will remain sober (although Xanax is frequenting my thoughts lately). I am stronger than I realize. I am an overcomer. I am headed in the right direction with my life, so I definitely should trust each experience I’m having as a guiding post toward my greatest desires. We can’t climb mountains without feeling dulled at times, and raw during the climb. Everything I’m feeling is contributing to my beautiful journey, even if the view is obscured right now. This mundane path is not eternal. That’s for certain. And if it goes on too long, I’ve got wings to fly. I will utilize those babies if I can’t stand the treading any longer.
I used to try to find a way out of the discomfort, but I’ve learned to flow with it instead. It’s all here serving a purpose for my greater good. My well-being is always considered, but there are times when the universe gives us great opportunities to utilize our strength and our courage. It tests us to see if what we say we want, is what we truly want in life. It doesn’t give us more than we can handle. We are loved beyond measure. We are constantly being guided and protected and reminded that everything is connected. I don’t need to run anymore. I simply need to stand strong and trust my experience as a gateway toward my dreams coming true. I am strong. I am courageous. I am aware. I’m climbing a terrific mountain here. Perspective, perspective, perspective. Oh, and… ROAR!!!