To Be Vulnerable is to be Open – To Be Open is to Receive

To Receive

Something occurred for me yesterday that floored me – nailed me back into myself, really – after feeling quite broken and alone.  I put it out there too, letting the universe know that I felt a sense of loss.  Being unafraid of vulnerability is a strength.  It opens you up to receiving all that you need in your restoration.  To be vulnerable is to release yourself into the cradle of the surrounding universe, which is always awaiting our surrender.  I haven’t only surrendered to my incapability of drinking like a normal person; I surrender to all I cannot control – which is basically everything except for myself.  Sometimes it just takes me longer than it should, because I think I’ve got something in the bag, when in actuality, I never do.  Vulnerability is about being open like a child exploring the world around him or her, expecting nothing, yet trusting everything.  It has a lot to do with trust.  I’m learning this on a level that I have never quite experienced before.

I’ve been listening closely to all the voices I encounter, even if they aren’t speaking directly to me.  Essentially, everything is speaking to me because all living organisms are connected through the thread of life.  What I’ve heard has reminded me that when I am aware of myself, the surrounding world is beating right along with me. It is as if the drumming of my heart corresponds to the embrace of the planet. I know this sounds airy, but perhaps I’m in a bit of an airy space today because I’m open and raw. Yesterday when I felt so alone, I learned (out of the sky blue I tell ya) that three of my close co-workers are also in the program. Two of them are struggling, but one of them is on the same path as I am. I had intuitive hints that one of my co-workers was “sober,” yet no solid proof that he was one of me. The knowing of this, after ten months of working with this person, was a giant hug from my higher power. I simply felt the love and it was beautiful. I could have found this out at any time (or never), yet the information was suddenly poured out to me exactly when I needed to hear it the most.

As I went about my day feeling incredibly loved, a friend from across the Bay called me and wanted to bring me lunch. This has never occurred before, yet it just so happened on a day that I really needed that feeling of connection. We ate together and spoke of casual things, yet it was such a supplement of exactly what I needed, and again, I felt incredibly loved.

The day went on and both of the documentaries I watched last night, spoke to me so thoroughly that I went to bed completely humbled by the day. One documentary was about the training of children to be warriors of God, while rebuking their “sins” in the name of Jesus (which is exactly the way I was raised), while the other film was about acceptance of one’s entire self and learning to understand how to live in harmony with all that is, without judgment. I received a sense of clarity as I watched the two documentaries. It was like I suddenly “got it.” One way of thinking is that God is a separate entity from man, while the other is that there is no separation, and we should honor ourselves in each breath we take, each word we speak, each movement we make. It was clear to me – separation versus harmony. I have found harmony after several years of separation and I wouldn’t go back to that old way of thinking and being (ever) because of how dynamic my life is today compared to when I judged everything as “right and wrong.” There is no love where there is division, and when the church divides itself from humanity because it believes it’s “right,” the world hears “Jesus loves you,” yet feels condemnation from those who offer the message of so-called love. I got saved when I was a child, just like many people do, because I was afraid of going to hell if I didn’t. Where is the love in this? Where is the harmony in thinking that I am not worthy of God’s love because I am human, therefore I am sin? I knew the day that I walked into a mediation sitting and felt the stillness of the people, and saw the naturalness of the lotus position, that I was in the right place. It was the exact opposite of everything I learned growing up in church, yet it was all encompassing of who I was right then and there. It was where I discovered that I was the temple (not the building) and that I was not only worthy of God’s love, but that I was never separate from God’s love. No matter where I go, there God is, and this is why yesterday was a great reminder that vulnerability is an opening for God to be just as God is. I was not in the way of myself yesterday as I so often am.

There is a message in every step we take each day. It’s that we don’t need to go looking for God, because God always IS. It’s that no matter what adversity comes my way, the lesson is always the same -“Go back to myself” where the truth is adamant and abundant. You see, what I need is rarely what I desire, so to be vulnerable in my life is to trust that what I need will be provided to me, and what I desire is merely a phantom. We all have ideas of what we think will make us happy, but the universe has a different offering. It is always providing guidance to the soul, and infusing the heart with an abundance love and grace. Although I may desire a house to own, or more acceptance from others, the universe reminds me that satisfaction comes from my own acceptance of myself, and embracing all that I have right now. With this understanding, the manifestation of my desires appears very clearly, yet they lose their significance. It’s not that a friend came to bring me lunch, or that a co-worker was revealed to me to be “in the program” that made my day. It was that feeling of love and acceptance that I so deeply needed that these offerings provided. No matter what form love and acceptance comes in, I should be open enough to receive them. I should remain vulnerable because it is the place where I am able to trust in something greater than myself, which is essentially never apart from me. I feel incredibly loved today, and isn’t that all we truly need? If you’re not convinced – just ask a child.

Coming Up Empty


I supposed I’ve always thought abstractly, which made me kind of weird growing up, so to “feel” like everyone else (so I thought), I managed to live on the surface of life by drinking and numbing myself out.  Sensitive to my surroundings and longing to fit in, I needed to ride on the same wave of life that everyone else around me seemed to be riding.  I wanted to be accepted and I yearned to feel connected.  This is something we all desire on some level, but at some point along the way, I realized that my means to fit in was causing me to self-destruct. 

I didn’t understand how some people could skate on the surface of life and make it all work, while I continued screwing up and failing.  It angered me to no avail, so I continued trying to skate along in my life as if I would somehow learn the tricks of the trade.  It never happened for me.  Death taunted me, yet never came to my aid, and I grew weak.  Nothing felt right and deep down inside I knew that I was far away from who I truly was.  I recall screaming aloud, “This is not me.  This is not who I am,” knowing that I was way off course, and finally deciding that my only maneuver left was to seek professional help.  I was lost, scared, confused and still alive.  Although I desperately wanted to die, I must have made some kind of pact with the gods in the spirit world before I entered this life in the template of a raging alcoholic.  I had to overcome my addiction because death was obviously not in the cards for me.  Finally I took action and got the help that I so desperately needed.  Three years later, in retrospect, I understand that my confusion and self-destruction was simply a lack of clarity.  Now that I am standing in the fullness of myself, I don’t mind that my abstract thinking is uncommon.  Instead of rejecting the way I am, I have learned to embrace my differences and channel it into my writing.

I observe people getting snagged in the dramas of life, embellishing in their pains and discomforts, staring blankly at the opportunities to seek a deeper meaning when all is mediocre and bleak.  I wonder how most people wander around in life, seemingly content with the common routine of things, and mundaneness of society.  My own boredom of life has always caused me great havoc, and watching other people’s acceptance of simplicity drove me mad.  It was like I couldn’t find my own current and I spent way too much time exhausting myself by swimming other currents that didn’t even feel right, or observing people being in their comfortable currents.  Where was my current?  And did I have to swim it alone?  So often, this is what it feels like to me, but then I meet someone who comes my way and swims my current for a short time, and then at some point, they distance themselves from me because maybe my current doesn’t feel right to them after all. 

I feel incredibly alone.  Although it’s not loneliness, it’s quite heartbreaking to say the least.  I wish I were at the point of meeting and connecting with people along the same current as me, but so far, it’s not happening.  I wish I felt supported, but I absolutely don’t.  People think they are supporting me, but really what they are doing is standing back and thinking I’ve got this whole gig covered.  Perhaps they are too busy trying to figure out their own path to worry about me on mine.  I don’t know.  I’m being really honest here because when I reach out it feels like there is even more rejection.  What am I not doing right?  I keep asking myself this question.  If I could just give people my eyes to see, perhaps they would embrace me a little bit more.  I have so much to give, but there seems to be no takers.  So I’ve completely opened myself up to receiving.  Perhaps I’m missing something that someone else has to offer.  Other people seem to have things figured out.  Especially that “connecting” thing.  So that’s what I’ve been doing.  I continue this journey, along this bleak current and I trust that I’m on the right path because most of the time, it feels right.  Still, I wonder what I’m doing wrong?

If this doesn’t makes sense, I apologize.  It’s just that I spent most of my life pretending that things were one way, when they were actually quite the opposite.  I have no desire to pretend to be anything different than what I am.  And I wanted to put it out there that I haven’t got this gig figured out at all.  Very much on the contrary. 


In the Playground of Life, Sliding and Falling is Not Considered an Epic Failure


Somewhere along my journey (about a year and a half ago), it occurred to me that I could stop judging myself based on the concepts of “right and wrong.”  You see, no matter which decisions I made for myself, there were always consequences that either moved me forward along my path, or taught me humility (which I needed to learn at the time).  Once I made the decision to stop labeling everything as “right and wrong,” something incredible happened.  I was immediately set free, and there I envisioned myself standing before this amazing playground that we happen to call “life.”  My soul has always longed to explore, yet I was hesitant to move about freely because of all the conditions I placed on myself.  There was religion, beliefs, ideas about the way things worked, my own thoughts about things, judgments, fear, concern of other people’s judgments, etc., yet here I had been very self-destructive regardless of all those conditions.  When something isn’t working for us (and obviously it wasn’t working for me), we must try something different, and this is when I decided to open myself up to the possibility that life was more about exploration, than it is about limitation.

When I was a kid, I was all over the playground.  I didn’t miss a beat out there.  I learned to climb to the top of things, swing as far as I could go, dig the biggest holes in the sand, slide backwards and down on my stomach, and flip around those metal bars; both forward and backward.  Oh, I got hurt.  Countless times I recall bashing my head against the ground from not getting enough air space during my bar twirls, and I don’t know how many times I burned myself on metal slides.  It was a dangerous place to be; those playgrounds.  My fingers got stepped on, my hair got pulled, my knees bled and my hands were often scraped up or splintered.  I laughed out there, cried, made friends, rejected stinky kids and compromised being Wonder Woman with a girl named Tina more often than I wanted to.  Each day outside was a different adventure and none of those pains or inconveniences stopped me from playing on the playground, because they weren’t considered failures.  They were simply part of the experience. 

We are all in this playground called “life” together.  When one person is climbing up the slide instead of scooting down it, we tend to project our distaste for their way of doing things, but what if we considered that this was simply part of their own experience, and compassionately allowed them to do their own thing?  As we grow, we learn how to do things less clumsily, but each individual is at a different level of exploration, and the playground is endless.  There are many things you have yet to explore, which may require a helping hand when you decide it’s your turn to twirl upon a different bar.  In your own arena of the playground, others may need guidance along their adventure, and you should be their to help them, rather than making fun of them for not knowing what you’ve already learned.  We shouldn’t stand back and judge the person who falls, or the recovering addict who relapses.  There is always something for them to learn, and humility is a definitive part of the human experience.

Since I’ve been playing upon this playground, instead of limiting myself to the safe boundaries of life, I’ve realized how much compassion and acceptance is out there. It’s like my safety net along my journey.  With this understanding, there really is no right and wrong – there are only learning experiences. Some of my so-called “failures” have been catapults to my greatest successes. This new perspective has given me freedom and there is no need for fear.  It’s a darned good place to be… this amazing playground called LIFE. 


The Eagle Doesn’t Flock Around with the Chickens… And Neither Should You


Growing up, I was very clear on what I wanted to do with my life.  My friends and I used to talk about the dreams we had for ourselves.  Over the long weekend, I thought about this a lot, and reflected on some of the heavy situations that we’ve all had to endure.  There have been many divorces, children to raise and several traumas, which none of us could have predicted, but… such as life.  I know we all wanted to be mothers, so mothers we became, but what about all the other dreams we had? 

So often we manage to overcome our greatest obstacles, yet we leave behind the desire of our hearts along the way.  What if these obstacles were placed before us as guiding posts toward our goals, rather than being forks in the road to throw us off course?  Personally, overcoming my addiction brought me closer to my genuine self, which has been a great reminder of what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.  I knew as a child that I was a writer.  Nothing has changed.  Through my recovery I’ve simply been directed in a specific direction with my writing.  Where I was once confused about what I should write about, now I am sure of myself.  I’m more refined, and my writing is more organic.  I don’t have to fight with my pen, or struggle with the keys every morning because I know which way I’m headed. 

When I was a child, it occurred to me that all the animals were genuinely playing out their specific role here on earth, and each role balanced out the overall ecosystem of the planet.  The lion never acts like a bear and an eagle never flocks around the ground like a chicken.  It’s very clear that mother nature is incredibly balanced, and each creature is true to their specific purpose.  Yet the humans seem to be extremely unclear about their role here.  The difference between the humans and the animals is that we have egos, and we also live in a monetary system that keeps many of us in survival mode.  Rather than thriving in our purpose here, most of us are struggling to stay above water.  If we are strong enough, we become competitors with the other humans, and if greed has got the best of us, we take as much as we can without concern of the balance of the planet.  Then there are some of us who don’t care at all.  We are lazy and consumed with remaining entertained, instead of serving a purpose while we are here.  And while most of us are concerned with the state of the world, we continue to consume, compete and survive. 

I used to have this fantasy that everyone who worked nine-to-five jobs would just STOP all at once, and walk away from their offices.  I imagined the insurance adjuster loosening his tie and picking up his dusty guitar, and the CEO of an ad agency kicking off her heels and dancing along the street.  We leave behind our dreams to pay our bills, but at the end of our lives, how many of us regret not writing that book, or traveling the world with a symphony?  We are basically artists playing the roles of robots.  It would be so cool if everyone everyone would STOP in the tracks of their busy careers – all at once – and pick up where they left their childhood dreams.  This has always been a fantasy of mine, but I can only live out my own dream.  I can’t force anyone else to live out theirs.

I’ve had friends come up to me and say, “Oh my gosh, you’re really doing it.  You’re writing books, and you moved away from our hometown.”  It occurs to me that this is not a common thing, and it strikes me as silly.  “Of course.  What else would I be doing?”  It’s not an easy life I’m living, and I don’t have a lot of things my friends have, but I am happy.  I’m fulfilled.  If I died tomorrow, I could honestly say that I have no regrets.  Even if I haven’t traveled the world yet, I’m well on my way, so I can’t say that I didn’t try.  I’m always trying to get where I’m going.  Even my career has eased up enough to allow me to follow the path of my dreams.  I can wear jeans to work.  I don’t get in trouble if I’m late, and if I have to leave early – or take a day off – no problem.  This is the life I’ve created because I’m following my own innate purpose.  If I would have bought into a belief that it was too late for me, or my addiction got the best of me, or I’ve got children to raise so my life needs to be placed on hold, or I have to keep up with my friends, or I can’t move away from my family… I would be working a corporate job, and miserable.  That just isn’t me.  Maybe that’s for some people, but I’m very clear that I’m supposed to be writing. 

I guess the point I’m trying to make, is that if you follow the path of your dreams, the world will open up for you.  It truly will.  You may not own the largest TV, or have the nicest car.  You may not get to own a home, but you will feel completely fulfilled and mother nature will do her part and provide exactly what you need, at the exact right time.  It’s a little bit like free-falling and trusting that a parachute will be provided, but once you realize that you ARE the parachute, the fear and doubt will vanish. 

This is a lot to take in, but the bottom line is that there is a natural balance that occurs when each of us serves our innate purpose in life.  It may seem impossible, or too late, but that is just a lie we tell ourselves as an excuse to remain comfortable.  I tend to think about the day I die.  I realize that there will come a day when I look back and review what I’ve done here while I was alive.  If what I’m doing right now, doesn’t add up to living out my role here and serving my purpose (or living out my dreams), then I chuck it aside.  It’s real easy to see the distractions when you are clear about your purpose.  The giraffe doesn’t end up in Antarctica due to a hook up with the penguin.  It just doesn’t happen because nature knows it’s role.  We all came here with an innate desire to be something.  Stick with that.  Find your way back if you’ve gotten lost. Ditch the water bird, and get back in your African groove.  That’s all I’m sayin.’



The Void We All Experience, is an Unopened Trove


The infamous VOID that we’re constantly trying to fill, cannot be filled because it is already full and the lid is tightly sealed.  I know this from experience.  Everything I tried to fill myself with eventually brought more emptiness.  I don’t need to go into this because we all know about temporary fixes.  What we don’t all know about is that the void is wreaking havoc on your life because it’s yearning to be explored.  There is nothing more cavernous and beckoning than the void inside of each human being, but rather than give it our full attention, we try to shut it off because we secretly think it’s going to kill us.  On the contrary.  That cave inside of you is the richest part of your human experience.  If only you would sit with it for quite some time and learn to acknowledge it; you will discover that there is a treasure inside of you simply waiting to be opened. 

One of the men at my home group has been coming back as a newcomer for weeks.  He gets thirty days and spoils it.  Over and over.  He is in a lot of pain.  I’ve been there before and I hear him speak about the void that is inside of him and how he used filled it with women, but now he’s filling it with God.  I understand all of this.  I understand that many of us think that God is the one who is supposed to fill that void, but I will tell you something that I don’t think I’ve ever said before.  God never stopped me from taking a drink.  God never stopped me from self-destructing.  Filling my void with God didn’t remove the cravings, nor did God remain in there so tightly that it filled up my void completely.  Like sealing cracks around a window, the air always finds its way through, and God never took up all of that empty space inside of me.  There is nothing that can fill that space because it’s not a space at all.  It’s a place of yearning.  Its a place of essence.  It’s the very core of YOU, and its begging for your exploration.

You’ve ignored yourself for several years.  There is so much entertainment, too many distractions, a bazillion people wanting your attention.  You spend your energy trying to achieve their approval and acceptance.  There is a career, possibly there are children, and so many relationships require your time.  If you’re religious, Jesus needs your attention too, and if you’re into technology, then you’ve kept yourself occupied with plenty of computer stuff.  Movies, games, meals, sex, TV shows… it’s enough to draw anyone away from themselves for decades.  And the void seems to get louder.  It’s aching inside of you and it’s begging for your attention, so you fill it with even more outside stuff and suddenly you discover yourself in a self-destructive cycle.  WHAM!  Then you’re finally left with nothing except for you and that disturbing, terrorizing void.  You can cry over that void because it makes you miserable.  It’s irritating and longing for one thing only.  That one thing is not God.  It’s you.

 Hang out with your emptiness and learn about that space inside of you.  It’s not going to kill you to feel lonely, or to desperately ache.  That feeling of void is the neglect that you have offered to yourself throughout your life.  It’s sadness.  It’s pain from being abused by you.  It’s your own self longing for your friendship.  Haven’t you ever wondered why there is a void?  Perhaps it’s not a void at all.  What if it is everything you’ve ever dreamed about, wrapped up inside a beautiful box just waiting for your arrival?  And it was getting louder and louder because it has been waiting for so damn long?  Come back home… it calls to you.  Love me… it beckons.  Like a little child missing a long lost parent. 

The void is not emptiness longing to be filled.  It’s a rich trove, begging to be opened.  Walk down into that cavernous space of yourself and discover what it’s like to open a treasure that fills up every crevasse of your being.  Stop running.  Stop fixing.  Stop pretending you aren’t aching just like everyone else on this planet.  The only difference between you and the person who is filled with serenity, is that they finally stopped fighting their emptiness and accepted the gift that was yearning to be discovered.     


Have You Ever Seen a Molting Chicken? We Can Learn a Thing or Two From the Animals

Molting Chicken

The other day at a farmer’s market I saw the most hideous looking duck.  It’s feathers were all bunched up and puffed out around its head and neck.  At first glance, I thought “neglect,” but then looking around at the other well-groomed birds, I realized that the poor old duck was probably just molting.  It’s not a pretty sight, but when those feathers do come in, that bird is going to shine and light up the whole farm. 

When I was younger, I had a few reptiles (snakes and lizards) that shed about once every other month or so.  Their new skin was so vibrant under the old dull skin.  Their eyes were clearer and they became more active right after those heavy layers came off.  As I grow throughout my life, I think of myself as shedding old skins and moving out of the layers of myself that no longer serve me.  I’m outgrowing old behaviors and patterns of thinking.  I’m shedding my ego and walking more and more in the lightness of intuition.  During weeks of restlessness and confusion, I have finally figured out that I’m simply going through that process of spiritual or emotional molting.

You know, we’ve been graciously gifted with nature that teaches us exactly how to be.  Animals literally live in the moment completely trusting their environment and their own instincts.  Animals don’t fear incoming danger before danger lurks.  They are so acutely aware of the moment, that they sense danger as soon as it arrives.  If danger is not there, they do not experience fear.  Fear for animals isn’t an ongoing thing.  If there is nothing to fear, they seem to be pretty content.

Animals also know how to love, and from some videos I’ve seen lately, they certainly understand acceptance.  There is a video (link at bottom) of a kitten and a young barn owl who meet each other in an open field.  I’m talking claws, sharp teeth, a carnivorous beak and talons that could quickly snap a kittens neck in half, but these two creatures find interest in one another and decide to make the most of the situation.  Instead of rip each other apart, they decide to play with one another.  At some point during the video, you realize that they’ve actually become friends, and they totally dig each other.  They harmonize together.  They learn to dance within each others limitations and accept each others differences.  

I get so tired of seeing people on Facebook pointing out what is wrong in the world.  Lets expose everyone’s faults and wrongdoings so that we can prove that we are better than they are.  No, you know what?  If we want to change this world, we should completely stop pointing out other people’s wrongs and begin accepting the differences in other people.  Then we should retract our claws, close our mouths and learn to dance within our own limitations.  We should learn to be interested in how other people fly when we only know how to climb.  We should learn something from one another.  No matter how loud and obnoxious one person is, we should stop judging and start being aware of our own behaviors.  Not one person on this planet has all the answers, and every single person you encounter knows something about life that you have never experienced.  Learn something from each person you encounter, even if it’s simply an emotion that arises within yourself when they are in your presence.  This world is so backward and we are really, really lost.  I’m not surprised that our world is so full of addicts.  I wanted to drown everything out because the negativity was too great to take on, but once I changed my own behaviors, the world began to be a much kinder place.  Like attracts like.  That barn owl and kitten found one another and thought about nothing but play.  There was absolutely no threat between the two of them.  This is how we should learn to be.

In the beginning of the video it looks as if the kitten is trying to attack the owl, and perhaps he was, but the owl didn’t succumb.  The wise owl took the opportunity (knowing she could easily fly away if needed) to befriend the kitten.  Once this was established, the kitten made nice and learned how to enjoy the owl’s company.  This is living in harmony.  This is what we learn to do when we stop resisting the world, and our experiences in our own uncomfortable skin.  If you’re feeling restless this week, let the restlessness move through you.  Be aware of it, but don’t resist it.  Ask yourself what old skin you could be shedding that no longer serves you – because you are growing right now.  You are constantly growing and it can be extremely uncomfortable.  Situations may arise that feel like the world is coming against you.  This is your opportunity to let go of the need to be in charge and succumb to your environment.  


HOW TO LIVE IN HARMONY:  Experience life as it arrives and don’t jump to conclusions.  Be present with whatever is occurring, no matter how disturbing it may be.  I’ve got a lot of shit coming up for me right now, but I’m trusting in the experience.  I am surrendering because most of this stuff is much bigger than me.  I just need to tuck in the talons and learn to fly through it all.  I trust that the world will make nice and offer me exactly what I need even when it appears to be my enemy.  We are of nature, and I say this a lot, but it’s a strong message.  Nature lives in harmony.  It may sometimes look unkind, or ugly, but there is always something greater occurring.  We need to trust in that something greater, rather than getting caught up in snag of the moment.  Shed old feathers and skin.  Let them go without resistance.  If you’re uncomfortable, so what?  Be uncomfortable.  It’s ok.  Life is always offering learning experiences.  It’s up to you if you’re going to be an enemy, or a friend.  I choose the latter. 

Here is a link to that precious video:

If the Universe is Dropping You Breadcrumbs, There Must Be a Bakery in the Horizon


I’m writing this for myself today because I had a real heart to heart with the universe last week about my situation.  There is no doubt in my mind that I went into the right direction last year when I took a huge leap of faith into a new town with my kid in tow and followed my gut to a better job situation.  I have so much more time to write now, and writing is truly all I ever want to do.  If I didn’t have children, I would be completely content living in a tent near a beach as long as I had a laptop and a copy of ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,’ plus a few other books that inspire me in my own writing.  They even make liquid nutrition now where you can skip making meals by simply pouring food down your throat, which takes the edge off and keeps you healthy.

Lately, however, everywhere I turn, there is a dead end sign on my path and I feel like I have a financial anchor between my shoulder blades holding me down from getting anywhere.  I look around and it seems like it is this way for many of us, especially those of us who live in California and watch our paychecks go down the gas tank.  Food is more expensive than ever and don’t even talk to me about the cost of rent in the Bay Area, but I swear, I KNOW I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I FEEL it.  I literally feel like I am at HOME here, and I have never felt like this anywhere else in my life.  It’s like the mountain range embraces my soul and the ocean nearby soothes my entire being.  I feel connected right where I am, and my daughter is thriving here.  I’m not just being romantic. This is where I’m supposed to be. For me to go back to my hometown and start from square one has crossed my mind, but then out of nowhere I receive these bread crumbs from the universe encouraging me to carry on right where I am.  “Well, I’m so damn tired,” I tell my higher power.  “I can’t do this anymore.  You keep giving me these breadcrumbs.  And THANK YOU for those.  Yes, I’m so grateful for the breadcrumbs, God, but I’m also exhausted of surviving along.  I’m growing weary.  Can’t you just give up the whole damn loaf?!” 

The universe has the best sense of humor – wickedly hilarious, I swear.  I was standing there by myself on a high school running track, giving it to the old man upstairs (sarcasm here), with my hands on my hips even, and I get this answer back, “How about that entire bakery up ahead there?  Just keep on moving forward.”  It’s clear to me that there is a bakery.  I can smell it.  I can taste it in these little mediocre crumbs, but I’m tired of feeling weighed down.  I simply need help, so that’s what I’ve been asking for.  Some things are much bigger than me, and I need a hand to hold along the way.  I need a little bit of direction and some encouragement because the universe’s “up ahead” can be years away for all I know. 

Yesterday I was cleaning my cute little home here (that I pay through out of my nose) and I moved a table around that was taking up too much space in the kitchen.  A guest came to visit me out of the blue.  Someone I haven’t seen in years, but you know how time just seems to seal in the love?  It didn’t feel like five years has gone by while she was sitting on my couch drinking her tea with me.  We both look the same – even better.  I’m certain she was glowing and light with her own inner balance.  While we were talking I opened up to her about my situation and she gave me a lot of direction.  She literally moved a wall in my thinking, just like I moved that table to give the kitchen more depth.  I know what I need to do now, and though the anchor is still heavy, I’m not feeling like I’m standing at a dead end.  What I do feel is that the dead ends along my path are there to encourage me to go toward the bakery.  The direction is to move forward with this book I’ve written (and edited, and revised and edited and revised and revised again this weekend).  I kept editing and revising it until it felt complete.  Now it’s finally complete.  It’s finally where I want it, and I’m going to move with it.  There’s something about it that wants to be placed in the hands of other people like me.  There is no doubt in my mind about this because the damn thing won’t leave me alone. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and tells me what I need to do next.  The only doubt I’m having now, is that I’m not good enough, and that’s the big wall that I’m moving past now.  I’m going to walk past this wall.  It’s terrifying as hell – let me tell you, but there is no other way to go.  I’m stuck here with a bunch of dead ends in my life and a promised bakery up ahead…  What would you do?

Here is a link to my recently revised book. It’s free because I simply want to get it out there to anyone who is suffering in their lives, and to those who are looking for spiritual solutions.

What if Missing Keys Are Revelation of an Inner Storm?


What if you woke up knowing that you were surrounded in an abundance of unconditional love?  What if you walked outside your door each day walking in the light of this limitless love?  What if, rather than worry, you chose to be in complete acceptance; and what if instead of blocking out the negative aspects the day, you chose to embrace all the positives?  What if the negatives were actually positives in disguise?  Perhaps a co-worker is bringing up raw emotion in you to shine a light on something you need to balance within yourself, or quite possibly, everything keeps going wrong today to wake you up to the present moment… because you’ve been lost in your head lately.  I would be thanking the universe rather than cursing under your breath.  Sometimes we are so blind.

It’s clear to me that the Hermetic Philosophy “as above, so below” is even more intricate in design than I could ever fathom, and it’s revealing itself in ways that blow my mind.  The clouds, for instance, often block the sun, but the sun is always there regardless of the movement of the clouds.  In my own body, the clouds are my negative thinking and the sun is my soul.  When I am in a state of fear, I imagine that my body is weathering a storm.  It is difficult to see the light when the inner clouds are heavy with doubt or distraught with terror about my future, but the second I open up my heart to the moment that I am in (which is me just sitting in a chair with no goblins jumping out at me) the sun breaks through and a rainbow begins to appear.  I’m touching my desk, enjoying a glass of water and everything around me is perfectly still.  The storm clouds begin breaking apart when I become aware of the actual moment, rather than lingering inside of my own personal fears.  And then there is that understanding that I am loved beyond measure, which means that I am never truly in harms way.  My well-being is always considered, so I should be aware of this when I think that the world is out to get me.  My own thoughts are often a treacherous hurricane, but my awareness of them is the sudden shift in weather patterns.  I can turn the hurricane away simply by shining light on it.

Lately I’ve been trying to walk in this light of love and trusting that when I walk outside my door, the world is embracing me, rather than buying into my thoughts that something could go wrong.  I’ve begun opening myself up to trusting that people in my life are there guiding me along my path instead of worrying about how they judge me.  Since I’ve been doing this, I’ve noticed a dramatic shift in my experience with people.  They seem to be more accepting of me, and interested in me.  My own personal fear of judgment has been blocking them from being present with me.  How can they see my light if I am weathering an inner storm?  We walk around in a very shallow state, but when we become aware and open, it clears the way for others.  I’m having this experience in every aspect of my life, from co-workers to family to neighbors.  I’m opening up and so are the people around me.  The storm clouds are parting and the town is coming out to play.  We don’t realize how much the world reflects our inner state of being.  It’s pretty incredible.

To be present not only means to get out of my head and to feel the wood on my desk beneath my hands; it means to know exactly what comes up for me when I encounter life in the moment.  Does the slow traffic bring up anger?  Then forget the traffic and notice the anger.  Does a friend bring up jealousy?  Forget the friend and regard the envy.  Does a lack of money bring up worry?  Forget the money.  The lack thereof is a gift.  Enter into the worry and deal with it.  The worry is a blockage in your life, holding you back from receiving that which awaits your awareness. Once you shake hands with your negative emotions, the world will have room to move into the direction of abundance.  In our fears (anger, jealousy, anxiety) we block out the abundance of sunlight.  Open yourself up to love and discover yourself liberated.  

We believe that being present simply means smelling the roses, but it also means being aware of the storm clouds within.  I’ve been noticing each fear that comes up for me throughout the day.  The moment I give it attention, the quicker it flees.  I feel like I’m playing hide-n-seek with my soul.  The fear is coming up sporadically like shifty clouds in an early spring sky, but the light is always present.  I’ve just got to look past those pesky clouds.  Give them attention and then tell them to move on. 

Accept the abundance of love in your life whether it comes from a person, or simply from knowing that it’s embracing you and limitless.  You are the only thing in the way of that eternal light.  It’s certainly working for me.  I’m filled with much more joy, and enjoying simple things with such gratitude that I could cry.  As I’m concluding this blog, the sun is rising and shining upon me.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

Thank you to my readers on Facebook, in Indonesia, Australia and in the Philippines.  Here is a link to my FB page.  Please feel free to like it!  Blessings to you today!    






If One Door Slams Me in the Butt, A Whole Wide World Awaits My Awareness


Rejection letters used to frazzle me.  Probably because I was full of hope, which is a terrible, terrible state to be in (trust me).  Hope is a farce – a real sham of a way to be.  When I hear the word “hope,” a chill runs through my spine like it did when my mom told me she found a black widow spider in her kitchen.  Hope does not belong in our thoughts no more than a black widow spider belongs in a kitchen.  I do not engage with hope anymore than I suit myself up in fear.  It’s the same thing.  HOPE = FEAR.  Think about it real hard. 

If I am living in a state of hope, I am not in acceptance of ‘what is,’ nor am I living in the solution of whatever problem I am hoping doesn’t linger.  It’s one thing to hope dark chocolate is hidden inside an incoming grocery bag; its another thing to hope someone gets better when they are very ill.  I must trust that whatever is occurring is for the well-being of everyone involved, and know I you can handle whatever comes your way.  A higher purpose is always at work even when circumstances seem futile. When people receive a message of “hope’ it is because they are currently residing in a state of fear. This hope brings them light, of course, but they have not yet walked through the fear. We all do this. I’m not immune. I’m just clarifying how hope is a fear based emotion, and I try to be aware of it when it comes up for me.

Standing in the light of acceptance (k-sera-sera) is a place where you will not be crushed when a literary agent sends you an informal letter informing you that your hard work wasn’t worth their time.  I wasn’t crushed this time around because there is a whole wide world of opportunities simply awaiting my awareness.  When I got the letter on Saturday, nothing even moved inside of me.  I was perfectly ok about it and really enjoyed the remainder of my day.  “Ok, no problem Universe.  Let’s keep moving, shall we?”  I planted some tomatoes and basil and enjoyed the sunlight.  It was a perfectly lovely day.  No skin off my back (progress).

The same book that I sent to the literary agent was sent to my friend in prison who has been struggling with his time in there.  I self-published the book in paperback, so it was easy to mail it off from Amazon.  We’ve been down similar paths and he’s been part of my life since we were children.  Parts of his life are in my book and it was important to me that he got a chance to read it, but I knew that he too, could easily reject it.  We’ve had our differences.  And if he rejected it, perhaps someone else in prison would pick it up and get something out of it, but if not… oh well.  It’s a book about addiction and recovery – my life story with answers to very large questions that so many of us ask when we are lost. 

I received a thick letter yesterday from my friend in prison.  He read the book with his cellmate, and now the other guys in there are passing it around and ingesting it like a pack of cigarettes!  I was so touched by his letter which praised me for my hard work.  He was moved emotionally and the book has given him a bit of popularity with the men.  I had no idea the book would have this effect.  I merely sent it to give him something to read and trusted that it would sooth him momentarily.  It had more of an effect than I ever expected.  His letter went on and on.  I would take his letter any day over a letter from an interested publisher.  He and his cellmates are real live people who relate to me, and who felt the book in a way that an agency could not.  His letter moved me, reminding me that nothing is a dead end.  I wrote the book knowing that it needed to be written.  It was a yearning inside of me that beckoned me to write it.  Who am I to limit the book in its movement? The book will travel where it is needed.  If prisoners are reading it and getting something out of it, then job well done.  These are the kind of people I want to reach anyway.  They are the lost and they have time on their hands.  The words I wrote are actually being absorbed, rather than tossed aside in a pile.  I am blessed beyond words.

Whatever I am aiming for may not be what the universe has in store for my life, and I have to accept this.  This is why I blog a lot about knowing exactly what feeling you are trying to reach, instead of chasing specific things, or expecting certain outcomes.  When I write, I simply want to relate to other people.  I desire a connection with the world through the likes of my writing.  I don’t discriminate on who those people are.  I may not be reaching publishers, but I am reaching prisoners.  I think this is incredibly beautiful.  It’s real life poetry if you ask me.  Other things that tend to worry me will fall into place because they always do.  I simply have to follow my gut and trust that I’ll be taken care of.  It’s none of my business how the universe takes care of me.  When I am on my path, I’m always provided for.

If FIVE doors slam in my face this week, a whole world still embraces me.  This is my understanding and its yours for the taking.  Thank you to my readers in Greece, Bulgaria, Mexico and South Africa.  Thank you to my American readers, and my prisoner readers.  Here is a link to my Amazon page:




And When the Winds Bellow, Sometimes You Just Gotta Get Creative




What if the wind weren’t a phantom?

Befitting its gusts and breezes

Suiting up before its salutation

Greeting us gently in slight formation of butterfly wings

Or abruptly like batwing twitches

Twirling toward town as a ballerina dancer

A parting stage curtain preceding winter rain

Jellyfish skirts brushing the leaves of autumn tree branches

What a sight the breeze would be

If she were the feather of God’s pen

Brushing past the sky

In cosmic calligraphy

Dressing for each blustery occasion

In the garment of dragon scales

Or the shadowy cloak of a beastly tail

If each fabric of wind reflected its temperament

Which shifty seraph impregnates sails?

Who is the playful cherub carrying my kite?

Or the mistress behind a summer wind kiss?

Whose haphazard broom sweeps past this city early in spring?

This invisible passerby

The unclothed zephyr

Forceful, considerate, impulsive, tranquil

Carries me deep into imagination