Sounds of Silence (Gobble gobble gobble…)

Sound of Silence

About a month ago things began shifting for me, but it was only the beginning of something greater occurring.  First, I was inspired to write a book.  Second, I got stumped during the process.  Third, I let go and intuitively knew that the answer to the question I had, would come to me in its own casual time.  I simply needed to listen for it. To be aware when it made its way toward me.  This is the process of creativity. I placed my project aside and then listened with an open mind and heart.

Before the answer began peaking its head through the horizon, a weird phenomenon was occurring.  People’s voices began sounding like jumbled noise.  Whenever I turned on the car radio all I heard was something that sounded akin to turkey gobble.  People jabbered away about sports, about celebrity news, about nonsense, and it all sounded like static to me.  Facts facts facts.  Gossip gossip gossip.  No “truth” involved whatsoever.  And when I say “truth,” I mean something that nurtures the mind and soul.  All I heard was filler for the old rotting brain, like driving through Mc Donalds for a fake burger to quiet the starving belly as quickly as possible.  Gobble gobble gobble.  People were just talking about nothing, and my brain wasn’t converting their sounds into words that made sense.

Jumbled noise.  White noise in the background of my open heart, while I was waiting for something more profound.  Blah blah blah.  People talking to me sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher.  Wah wah wah.  Weird experience, but it continued, so I turned off my radio, and cut people off in mid sentence (not to be rude, but I simply couldn’t comprehend them).  I wanted to yell, “STOP JABBERING!  I can’t understand a word you are saying!”  (Gobble gobble gobble.)

This last week, I took some time off of work and went on a four day silent retreat.  I turned forty, and instead of having a big party with a bunch of noise (that I wouldn’t be able to understand anyway), I decided to enter into the sacred space of myself where I could actually receive some clarity.  The world comes at you like madness. In every direction. In every form. Distractions distractions distractions. We gobble it up instead of revolting in a pissed off tone WTF? No.  I’m not taking part in this.  I’m not wasting my life away like this.  Sometimes I feel like a cow on a farm, chewing away at the cud (unaware of the impending slaughter).  Our culture is insane.  And it has been for a very long time.  When you open your eyes and look behind the scenes, you get a good whiff of bullshit, and you just want to barf.  WTF am I doing?  How far is Bali?  Can I take my kid and bail from this madhouse?  My bestie recently encouraged me when he heard me so distraught. He said that it was good to be in this moment in time, right now, with so much coming against us spiritually, because we get to wake up and be who we are meant to be. We have the opportunity to guide people along the way.  It’s just like a movie we are playing a role in. If we are true to ourselves, we get to be the hero.

During the retreat, I felt a lot of discomfort in the beginning of the silence, but over the course of the four days, I relaxed with it, instead of resisting it. Of course, it eased.  By the time I left there, I felt quite conscious.  My writing took on a new form. It’s flowing like it hasn’t been for a couple of months.  The second day I was there, one of the hosts of the retreat asked me to meet her in the meditation room. She wanted to sit with me and teach me one of her practices.  Immediately she had me enter into my heart where I had a very clear image of a blazing fire.  She asked me what was in my heart.  I answered, “passion.”  I don’t think she liked that word very much because she made me come up with another word.  Well, I was clearly feeling passionate. The image of fire I was experiencing was as if I had swallowed a volcano that morning.  She was trying to move me to a softer place, like “love,” so I came up with the next best word I could think of, which was “Compassion.”  A simple play on words to satisfy this woman who knew nothing about what I was experiencing.  When I am tuned in, the images come clear in my mind.  I can’t change the images.

While she was talking to me about my heart, and the eternal “compassion” that was in there, a wild turkey walked right up to the window, looked me directly in the eyes, and squawked at my face.  I have never heard such a ruckus come from an animal. It sounded like the noise a little spitfire dog would make if it were annoyed.  We laughed, and stared, and then the turkey stopped.  As soon as the woman began talking to me again, the wild turkey reved up its squawking.  It was so loud, and hysterical!  I was complety enamored by the bird.  Every time she spoke, the turkey fired up his beak.  Throughout the four days there, I saw several wild turkeys, and never once did they make that sound again.

Turkey

Oh, the irony of that bird being there at that exact right time.  The one time when it wasn’t silent – when someone was trying to turn my inner fire into cotton candy (just like the rest of the world does to our soul journey in the physical realm), there that turkey woke me up to myself.  I love nature’s sense of humor.

Soon thereafter, I was back at work, sitting at a busy desk, getting bombarded with a million things.  I felt so overwhelmed yesterday at in my office. I wanted to run away and cry.  I can’t stress enough how we need to stop entertaining ourselves, quit running the rat race.  Who was it that said, “You may win the race, but you’re still a rat?”  Lily Tomlin, I think.  We are a very lost culture because we don’t sit still and listen.  We go go go.  Gobble gobble gobble.  I’m fortunate to have had this experience. I’m going to continue honoring the quiet space in my life where I can receive the abundance that the quiet has to offer.  There is nothing like being tuned-in, clear, aware, and filled with peace.  I would take that any day over fame and fortune.  Fame and fortune do not create joy.  Simple things like turkeys squawking in your face do, however.

How About a Big Dose of What’s Happening Right Now?

Against the wind

A lot of emphasis is being placed on being present and “living in the moment,” but many teachers on this subject forget to include the moments that suck.  The moments where anger, pain, agitation, confusion (etc.) arise, or when we’re staring at the back of a garbage truck, sitting in endless traffic at a stoplight.  What about those moments?  I mean, it’s not all field’s of daisies and strolls along the beach.  I think we live in a society where we want to forget the monotony and try to make rainbows out of tears, but what if the tears are just as significant as the blissful smiles?  What if the garbage truck in front of you was just as sacred as the sunset, not because you’re delusional, but because it is there and real, and it has an odor that you can clearly smell?  What if everything you touched, tasted, saw, heard, smelled and felt was equal, instead of there being levels of appreciation for one thing or the other based on your judgement of their significance in your life?

We used to sit in weekly groups for after-care treatment when we had completed our six rigorous in-house months of rehab.  The counselor would ask what was going on with us, and most of us would talk out of our ass about the week we’d had, but she would stop us from rambling.  “No, I don’t want to hear about three days ago.  I want to know what’s going on right now?”  Usually when I shared about my week, I would try to include some intelligent insight that I had received about some mediocre experience I had, but all I got were eyes rolling and a diminished ego.  “What’s happening for you RIGHT NOW?”  She would bring me back to focus.  I should have said, “I’m annoyed and I hate this group because it cuts into my Sunday evenings…”  That would have been honest.  That’s what she was grappling for anyway, but I was still in my head at the time, trying to pull unicorns out of my boring, purgatorious weeks.  My life was incredibly insignificant (so it felt), therefore I had to search for something profound.  Right now I was sitting in a chair, dreading that moment.  I didn’t like that group at all.  It was a stupid end to my weekend.  The funny thing was, I was practicing “living in the moment,” but there were moments that I didn’t like at all.  The one thing I wasn’t experiencing, however, were my feelings.  I was still deeply identified with my thoughts.  If I had “felt” myself in that moment, I would have had a lot more of an experience in that stupid group.  I would have felt annoyance roll through my body, and fear.  I would have probably felt some anger and maybe a little bit of joy afterward for having tapped into that emotional part of myself for once.  Instead, I was where I had always been for my entire life – wanting something different – something better than this arrangement of chairs in a circle, facing people that I was tired of seeing each week.  I wanted depths and rivers, shores and blue skies, oceans and fairy-fucking-tales.  (I don’t know – I’m just saying.)

When I was a little kid hanging out with my church peers, we would fantasize about heaven, and what it would be like to be out of this confining body with all these “negative” experiences.  Grief, stress, sorrow, annoyance, etc., but what if we specifically came to this plain of existence to have these experiences?  To know ourselves better?  To touch the face of God (if you believe in such a thing) by recognizing God in all things – not just some things?  What if instead of having an experience of the physical world around us, we began having an emotional experience each moment (i.e., what am I feeling, how am I processing, what is coming up for me right now?).  Last night I was having a bad reaction to a situation, and for a few minutes I sat there still in my own annoyance.  I really FELT it, and let it move through me.  It was strong and kind of maddening.  I wanted to have an outer reaction, and I did for a few seconds, but then I came back to myself and paid close attention to what was going on with me “right now.”  It wasn’t comfortable, but it was dynamic.  I mean, the emotion was strong, and alive.  It was like something moving around in me.  Instead of hating on how I felt right then, I embraced it.  I wasn’t looking for an out from the discomfort.  I wasn’t hoping for the next moment which may have been a little more blissful.  I just hung out in my own irritation.  Just hours prior, I had been sitting on a beach watching whales, but I understood right then that neither experience was more important than the other.  When I was with the whales, it was right now, and while I was having a moment of irritation, it was right now.  Right now I am typing.  Right now I’m not thinking about feeling any different than how I’m feeling right this second.  I’m learning that each moment has power because truly, it’s all there is.

Being in the moment doesn’t just include seeing what’s right in front of you.  It totally includes embracing the emotional experience you’re having regardless of how uncomfortable it is.  “What is happening for you right now?”  Our counselor used to ask us this all the time.  It wasn’t until I got out of treatment and had an encounter with my bitchy co-worker, where I began feeling my own inner reaction to her snarky remarks, instead of responding to her directly.  She mirrored me enough to bring up some emotions within me.  That was pretty cool to experience without reacting.  I was in a whole new dimension of my existence – feeling life from deep within myself.  “What’s happening for you right now?”  I’m feeling frustration and it’s alive within my body, squirming around in there like a hungry serpent, bidding me to react.  

We’ve been taught to live the opposite way – from the mind to the projection of physical reality, but the yogis and monks would say that this is a shallow place to live.  Once you get down into your own body and feel what’s going on for you, the physical world becomes like a looking glass into your own body, which is an entire universe.  Life becomes more dynamic, and the more you sit through uncomfortable emotions, the more beautiful physical reality appears.  You begin seeing all things as equal, and joy expands within you because you’re paying more attention to the inner world, than to the outer (which is always a mirror reflecting your emotional body).

Yesterday on the beach, I was walking against the wind for a time.  It was uncomfortable, and tiring too.  I thought, “I’m experiencing some resistance in my life.  I’m not liking this wind at all.  What else am I resisting?”  That’s a really good question.  I’m going to reflect on that today.  Meditate with this inner resistance of mine.  Let it be with me like a buddy hanging out in my emotional house.

Living in the moment has more to do with being present with your emotions, than it does being ok with driving behind a garbage truck.  Does the garbage truck bring up some emotions for you?  That’s where the focus should be.  Does a loved one piss you off?  Sit with that anger (rather than reacting).  Because once you find yourself not having strong emotional reactions, the now (no matter what that now entails) becomes a constant experience of joy.  That’s the place we’re moving toward if we are practicing “living in the moment.”

People Fear What They Do Not Know

tarot

While I was growing up in the shadow of religion, I recall being told that things like the Tarot were evil and that they were a doorway for negative spirits.  I was interested in the Tarot, however – drawn to it by curiosity, but I stayed away out of fear because I did not want to be followed by demons, or whatever it was that was going to happen to me if I allowed someone to read my cards.  As I became older, I began following my curiosity, and had a few readings done.  Some of them were interesting, while others were a little airy fairy.  If people tell you they can read your future, they are probably a little “out there,” but I was discerning when I was young, and now.  The cards can be “off-putting” if you don’t know what they mean, and also, I was never aware of anything other than what I was taught, so for me to go way out beyond the limitations of my beliefs, was considered a bit like being a lost sheep.  What I know now from my “straying” is that I was doing exactly what we should all be doing… following our gut (intuition) instead of listening to outside banter.  Once you have information from doing your own research, you discover that either something you feared is completely harmless, or you realize (on your own) that it is to be avoided.  We all have an inner compass leading the way for us.  If I would have bought into the fear about the cards, I would have been ignoring my intuition which drew me to them.

About two years ago I dated someone who was very Tarot oriented, which was interesting to me because I had always been fascinated, but never took the time to learn what the cards meant, or from where they derived (no one knows, btw), but just like a deck of playing cards, they are genius.  Without getting into the different symbols and what they mean, the actual readings themselves are a bit like reading poetry of a person’s moment and time.  The Tarot is nothing more than a tool used to guide people back to themselves.  Now that I have been learning more about the Tarot and doing readings myself, I have discovered that many people are curious, but have been told the same thing that I have about them being evil.  The cards themselves are not evil, but a person can be.  So of course be aware of the person behind the cards.  Some people make money reading Tarot.  I would rather sit at a farmers market or something and read for people without taking their money, just to give them some intuitive guidance with the assistance of the cards, which merely depict facets of the human experience and archetypes (or roles) we play out as we move through our lives.  I’m not saying that making money reading Tarot is wrong, but I enjoy the art of the Tarot, and how a reading can help someone without me benefiting or taking something away from the person for whom I’m reading.  The Tarot is a gift, and now that I have learned about our subconscious minds and how we resonate with symbols on an emotional and spiritual level, I see the cards as a breakthrough into a person’s deepest part of themselves.

I have read the Tarot for many friends and family members, and they walk away from my readings with a broader sense of clarity.  Sometimes people text me and ask me to read for them because they are facing adversity and they need some clarity.  Honestly, because I have learned to tap into my own intuition and can read people just as well as I can read the symbols of the cards, I do not necessarily need the Tarot to give advice or direction, but they are a valuable tool, and I love the art of the Tarot.  The more readings I do, the more I resonate with the cards I’m using.  I love art in any form, and this is what the Tarot has become to me – a form of art.  I’ve had some beautiful readings done for me that have been beneficial in helping me let go of negativity and move with the flow of my life.  In a society that is so weighed down with noise, chaos and focused on material, tools like the Tarot bring people back to the undercurrent of themselves so they can understand what’s really going on.  Because everything in life is so innately connected, and we influence the outcome of our experience by how we think and by what we are feeling, the cards easily reflect the person asking a question.  There is no “magic” in the cards (although there is magic in the universe).  The magic is that we, as human beings, influence the cards by attracting them to tell us what we are asking of them.  It’s a science really, and nothing more.  If you’ve learned anything about the law of attraction, you realize that we create our own life experience.  The Tarot is amazing for bring a person right back to how they think, what they are feeling, and the way they are navigating in their lives.  There is nothing scary about that.

We fear what we do not know.  There was a time when I was afraid of religions like Buddhism because I was told it was evil, but when I did my own research, I realized that Buddhism wasn’t a religion at all, but a wonderful and beautiful lifestyle that had more to do with nature than some idolized character sitting in the lotus position.  Of course, people do worship the Buddha (which he would have never wanted), just like people use the Tarot to “fortune tell.”  Man is always twisting things up and creating weirdness out of very basic stuff.  Tarot to me is poetry.  Tarot to someone else can be something else.  Don’t be confused about the various arts and religions out there.  Discover for yourself what they mean to you and go from there.  There is nothing wrong with following your curiosity.  People are freaking crazy, but usually what they are into is nothing more than a guidance system of some sort, created for the purpose of bringing people back to themselves, where the answers all are anyway.  We are the walking talking version of our source.

If I was on a deserted island with nothing but my gut and my voice, I would have to listen to my intuition, which is the place we should all be tapping into, regardless of our circumstances.  We have an internal source of wisdom right in our own bodies.  Forever, we have used tools to remind us to go within, including the Bible, the Torah, etc.  People write them – we read them to help us remain on track emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  The Tarot is nothing more than one of these tools, although instead of words, it uses symbols.  Someone who has the wrong intentions can read the Bible in an evil way, just like someone who gets behind the Tarot and says they can read fortunes, is probably not the right person to do a reading for you.  Listen to your gut and go from there.  That’s all I’m saying, but don’t shun something merely because you’ve been misinformed.  Discover life for yourself and make your own decisions.  People judge when they are not informed.  I used to do this too, but now I am open to learning about something before I go and judge it.  It’s always the person behind the thing I’m looking into that I need to worry about – not the book or the cards themselves. People who have used the Bible to control the masses are more evil (in my book) than some kook behind a deck of Tarot cards. Lets get real. I mean, there is wisdom in every single element of life… not just one source of truth. There is a lot of ancient wisdom in the Tarot, and there is a lot of Astrology in the Bible (and numerology, although most people overlook this), but in the wrong hands, many tools we use can be used for evil rather than for good. Just like sex can be both life-giving and also destructive, there are two sides to every coin.

Dealt a Bad Hand of Cards? The Good News Is… We All Were

Hand of Cards

A friend of mine was telling me about a woman who died of heartache after her son committed suicide.  He placed part of the blame on her in the note he wrote before killing himself.  Sadly he was in such a poor state of mind, that he probably didn’t realize his words would destroy his mother.  Even if he did do it intentionally at the time, it was not an act of good reasoning.  He wrote something and reacted to life during the moment it was eating him alive.  I don’t know anything about him, but I know from experience that life can feel like it’s swallowing you whole at times, especially if you are suffering in addiction or with mental illness.  I don’t know if this young man was, but he certainly felt like a victim.  His mother, in turn, succumbed to his victimization.

I recall a time in my life when I felt like I was dealt a hand of shitty cards, and was pissed that I was stuck with them.  Instead of playing them, I threw them down and ran away from the table (a.k.a. life – myself).  I had no idea at the time, how strong, sharp, courageous, or creative I was.  I also had no clue about something very significant, that I understand now.  I was not only the player holding this hand of cards, but I was also the dealer.  Everyone sitting around that card table of life, was me in another form.  Everyone at the table is playing a role and most of us are bluffing without even knowing it.

When we’re born, we immediately wake up in this plane of reality surrounded in circumstances.  Some of us are lucky to be born in a loving home under a nice roof in a country that’s basically free, while others are not so lucky.  Either way, it’s how you think about things that determine your experience.  There are self-destructive addicts that come from a loving home in a free country, and there are brilliant people who are changing the world for the better, who have derived from poverty and abuse.  It’s not the circumstances that mold the outcome of your life.  It’s how you think and how you respond to your experiences that create your life.  If something terrible happened to me today, and I was thrown in prison, I could either go in there as a victim and mold myself into the negativity, or I could make the best out of the situation and remain a positive influence on the other women.

We always have a choice in life.  It’s not just a hand of cards that we are dealt.  It’s knowing that the hand is an opportunity to be strategic and willing to play the game.  Any of us can fold at any given time. Most of us carry on and hope for the best, but what if you knew something that other people don’t know about the game?  What if you realize that you are the one dealing the cards, and you understand that this whole experience is all a bluff?  What if you wake up one day with the same shitty hand of cards and you pay more attention to your anger about the cards, than dwelling on the cards themselves?  What if you look at the cards you are dealt, along with the smirks on the faces of the other players, and you suddenly know your agony?  What happens then? You wake up. You realize the game is a farce.  It’s a set up.  It’s set up to piss you off, to make you feel like a victim, to break you down, and to finally turn you inward.  It’s here to make you figure out something beyond the game.  There are hints along the way, but we get so caught up in the game that we completely lose ourselves.  We forget what we are constantly dealing with, which has nothing to do with other players, or the cards (the circumstances).  These are all merely reflections of something greater.  When you get this, you can either continue playing the game with a smile on your face, knowing it’s all a bluff, or you can stand up at the table (life), take a bow for your performance in the game, and move on with the understanding that you can now create whatever it is you want from here on out.  You aren’t stuck at that table.  You have a choice to move along to new experiences, but first you must recognize yourself in every aspect of each experience you are having, and in each person you meet.  Then an only then will you understand that you have never been a victim of a bad hand of cards.  You were simply the dealer disguising yourself as a frustrated player, in order to wake up and realize that you are truly the dealer.

I know a lot of people that succumb to an idea that life is filled with adversity in order to remind us that there is a god, and that we can count on him.  That’s part of it.  It’s always good to know that there is a bigger picture, but it’s better to know that you have a responsibility while you are here.  If you throw your hands to God and decide to suffer because you think it’s “His will,” then you aren’t fully getting it.  The idea is to overcome your suffering by understanding that this whole gig is a set up to discover your freedom.  The suffering is like a bad hand of cards.  When you notice your suffering, rather than the bad hand of cards, then you are getting somewhere.  That somewhere is the place that you came here to discover.  It feels like home, because it is.

There is nothing outside of yourself that is more brilliant or better off than what you’ve brought to the table.  No one else’s hand of cards are better than yours.  It only appears that way so that your frustration emanates something very clear.  When you realize what you’ve brought to the table, you understand that the cards were merely a tool along your journey of self-discovery, and you’ll get up and thank all those players in your life who were bluffing to show you the way to yourself.  Most people remain caught up in the game.  Let them be.  Now that you know, you are set free.

Our Bodies Are Meant to Feel Fabulous

Feeling Fabulous

After a long walk in the redwoods with a good friend yesterday, I took my son to the coast, which is a half hour away from home.  This time of year is ideal for sunshine and clear skies here on the west coast of California.  We went to a beach we had never been to before, and I was surprised to discover that we had to practically scoot down a cliff to get to the ocean.  The path was being used by surfers with big boards, so I wasn’t afraid to trust we’d make it to the bottom.  We were hands-free after all, which meant that we could bend our knees and lean to the side of the cliff that wasn’t a drop off, in order to survive the climb down (or I should say, slide down…).  It was a little bit treacherous, especially because my son didn’t have any grip on his shoes.  Going back up was a lot easier, and steep, but it felt so amazing to have the blazing sun on my shoulders as we made our way to the top.  I hike often, so it was not a difficult climb for me.  In fact, it felt amazing, and I was thinking how feeling good sober, is five thousand times better than feeling good drunk, or stoned, or high.

Our bodies are so complex and easily manipulated.  In December I was feeling incredibly “off” and blamed it on outside circumstances, just to discover that all I needed was a little bit of vitamin D (or ten minutes of sunlight) and some magnesium to rebalance everything.  First I made the mistake of going to a doctor, who prescribed me two heavy medications.  The bottles are still full.  I don’t know why I even bothered to pick up the scripts.  We have got to know deep down inside, that taking pills is completely unnatural.  What we eat, what we expose ourselves too, how we think, and how well we exercise, determines how we feel.  If you are feeling shitty, it could be the bad day at work, or it could very well be that your diet is not balanced.  It is most likely the latter.

That steep walk up the cliff, along with the sunlight and the negative ions from the ocean, gave me enough energy to go grocery shopping afterward, cook two separate dinners (I’m vegan – my children are not), do two loads of laundry, fold all the clothes, prepare for Monday, clean up the kitchen, and then some…  Ask me what my Sunday afternoon looked like five years ago, and I would tell you I could barely get out of bed after two days of drinking.

Feeling “off” is usually a chemical or nutritional imbalance.  If you are eating right, exercising and getting enough sleep, along with sunlight, minerals and vitamins, there is no throwing you off in the face of adversity.  Our bodies are organic vehicles that need to be kept tuned up and well watered.  We have more control about how we feel than we credit ourselves.  If you are sick and feeling awful most of the time, the problem is most likely your diet.  Just like a car, we need to constantly tune ourselves up, and take care of ourselves.  People are not depressed because they have a miserable life.  They are depressed because they are malnourished.  We have terrible eating habits in the west, and it’s been proven over and over that a plant based diet prevents cancer, heart disease and tons of other ailments.

Our bodies are meant to function at a “feel good” level.  If we feel good, we can accomplish more, overcome problems with ease, give more of ourselves to others, and enjoy life to the fullest.  Taking care of my mind and body has been essential in my recovery.  If I was stuffing myself with food instead of alcohol, I could not honestly say that I was living a life of recovery.

I’ve had to make several life changes in order to accomplish what I set out to do when I decided to get sober.  It wasn’t about “not drinking.”  It was about living life and enjoying the hell out of it without a drink.  Sometimes I have to re-evaluate my diet and exercise routine.  Often I have to rid myself of pressures in my life that throw me off.  It’s a constant tuning in and tuning up, but there is nothing like being able to climb a cliff without wheezing, or having the energy to conquer a hundred things in a day while feeling amazing.  Taking responsibility for yourself includes a lot more than just admitting your mistakes.  It is about keeping your vehicle tuned up and knowing that how you feel is a direct result of how you nurture your body and mind.  And just like sobriety, you don’t have to change everything all at once. You can do it one fabulous day at a time!

How Far Would You Go to Protect Your Freedom?

Protect Your Freedom

Whenever I watch movies about war or think about what would happen if shit hit the fan in America, and the government tried imposing stricter laws, I question what I would do to defend my freedom.  The answer is, I would do anything.  In my flesh and bones, I’m a raw American, who will wrath with passion the instant my freedom is compromised.  Insanity will take over my calm soul, and I will fight with guns if I have to (although not a big fan of guns, but this is how innately American I am).  As a born and bred American, I will fight.  I will literally, with my own two woman hands, wage war against those that try to relinquish my freedom.  It’s not only me though.  Try to mess with any American’s freedom or rights, and all hell will break lose.  There is no way the people in this country will stand to be subordinate to a government or superpower.  And the government knows this just as well as you and I do.

Have you asked yourself this question?  Do you ever think about how you would respond to tyranny in this country?  I know all my readers are not American, but it’s a good question to ask no matter where you are.  If you are American, I bet there is no limit in how you would respond to an imposition on your rights.  I bet you would go psycho just like me.

It’s ironic though – many new laws have been imposed since the “Attack on America” in 2001, but we haven’t risen up at all as “the people.”  We’ve unknowingly relinquished a lot of our freedoms in the face of fear.  Think about the scrutiny in our airports, the tighter gun laws, the imposition of government health care, the way we’re constantly being tracked and monitored.  Surveillance is occurring all around us.  If you so much as say the wrong thing, it is possible that you will be arrested, questioned and tried as a terrorist.  Do you know how many Americans are sitting in prison because of drugs?  Rather than offering treatment, they are filling our prisons with people who are not true criminals.  This is all occurring, but because we have the illusion that we are “free,” very few people are stirring in their chairs.

I just wonder what it’s going to take to get me to say “Uh-uh.  No more.”  I know one thing, I am constantly thinking about how I am completely exposed in this world.  Everything I Google, everything I text, all that I write and how I move about a building, and my phone conversations can be used against me in a court of law at some point.  That shit should get under my bones, and it does to some degree, but I’m just waiting on edge.  Push me to the point of having to fight, and the savage American will emerge.  That day may eventually come, but because this has been an extremely slow and subtle process, I doubt it will come in a way that we are aware of it.  Think “natural disaster” or “mass epidemic.”  It’s going to take something like 9-11, where great fear is induced, that we will become victims of subtle tyranny.  We’re already seeing it with the militant police raids.

Some of you may think I’m being extreme, or you may call me a “conspiracy theorist.”  I don’t care.  This is something we should all be thinking about.  It’s an important question to ask.  We should be aware of the freedoms that are slowly being relinquished.  Slowly, steadily, done with the injection of fear.  “War on Terror,” my ass.  More like wage against human sovereignty.

I’m just asking a simple question.  How far would you go to protect your freedom?  I’ve fought for my life through the “disease” of alcoholism.  I’ve faced my own demons and sat in chairs for six months experiencing myself in the raw.  I know what it means to be “free.”  I know what I did to free myself from my own fears, and it was a dirty business.  I know who I am on the flesh and bone level, and it isn’t pretty.  I know what I am quite capable of when challenged, and I have been empowered by breaking free from my own prison.

How far would you go to protect your freedom?  Have you asked yourself the question?  Think about it… I bet you are just like me.  It’s just good to know that we wouldn’t stand for our rights being compromised. Because the day very well may come.  That’s the trajectory of our current state of affairs. That’s all I’m saying on the subject. Thanks for reading, and also for asking yourself the question.  It’s important to know where you stand on the subject.

The Answer to Your Problems is “Be of Service”

Be Of Service

When things feel out of control and when life feels like more of a labyrinth than a walk in the park, it can really throw us off.  I had this experience in December and it got the best of me until I stood alone in nature and pretty much threw my hands up to the universe.  “I have absolutely no control, and you know what?  I don’t want control, so once again, I surrender.  Let me be a vessel…”  These were pretty much my words.  I have this convo with God a lot in life (I’ve noticed).  I’m always getting ahead of myself.  My wants and needs become crucial, while the simple things in life get tossed aside and overlooked.  I want everything NOW.  Or at least in my timing, which means that I am way behind in where I thought I should be by now.  Yet when I stop all my whining and nonsense, I realize that all of that chaos is in my mind.  Nothing is falling apart right this second.  Everything is going fairly smoothly.  I feel a little bit raw, and where I want to be is rubbing up against where I am, but to know where I want to go is essential.  It is the vision that will get me there, not the drudging to get there.  I don’t have to drudge.  I simply have to know where I’m headed and surrender to the moment.  I need to trust that I’m being guided along the way, and perhaps the universe moves a lot more casually than I desire, but that’s none of my business.  I’m simply a vessel, remember?

I had a dream last night that all of these people were cramming into one house, and I wasted all my time trying to figure out where I was going to sleep, while trying to keep all my belongings in one place, but it was impossible to control the chaos.  People were arriving and more stuff was being crammed into this one house.  There were animals in cages that were hanging outside of their cages because there was no more room.  It was crazy.  Toward the end of the dream, I didn’t know where any of my stuff was, but it was no longer important to me.  People needed guidance and they kept asking me for direction.  I stopped all my worry and just started helping the people.  When I started being of service, all the chaos happening was no big deal.  I felt centered.  When I got a moment, I decided to do some exploring, and I ended up in the back yard where there was a pride of lions.  There were so many lions – male, female and tons of cubs.  I took a photo of the pride and posted on Facebook, “These lions are right in my own back yard.”  I woke up and realized the power in that statement.

Lions represent courage, strength and power.  I have been dreaming about lions a lot.  In my dream there were male and female, which is yin and yang.  All of these people and animals were inside one house.  Everything in that house represents aspects of myself coming together.  This last month was so confusing to me, and chaotic, but once I surrendered and just centered myself in the moment, everything I needed (strength, courage, power) was in my own back yard.  (Perhaps the pride was a pun for my own pride that has often held me hostage).  There is never anything outside of myself that I need.  It’s all in one place in the here and now.  If we are confused, overwhelmed, scared and feeling powerless, the best thing we can do is surrender to it and be of service to others.  I have been asking the universe what I need to do to be of service, and the answer is right here right now.  My own job is service oriented.  I can be of service to my children and my roommate.  I don’t have to go to a homeless shelter to be of service, although that would be fine too.  If we can practice being of service right where we are right now, it will remove us from our confusion, immediately.

Sometimes we have to go through monotonous days so that we know what we don’t want, in order to visualize what we do want.  Often we feel overwhelmed so that we can re-evaluate our course.  When confusion throws us off, it is a good time to let go and do something for someone else.  Being of service is the quickest way to becoming grounded.  Give what you think you don’t have.  Be what you think you lack.  Know that the answer is always in your own back yard.  You are not separate from what you need, ever.  It may not be clear in the moment, but if you can just remind yourself to be of service to someone else, you will not only forget about the chaos, but you will become centered enough to receive the clarity you need.  It may feel like you are going nowhere, which can be frustrating, but nowhere is exactly where answers to your deepest questions await your awareness.  In recovery, it’s not about reaching the top of the mountain.  It’s simply about being aware of the moment.  We can very well climb that mountain, but when we get there, we will discover it was all a mirage.  There are more mountains to climb.  The journey is never-ending, so the universe laughs when we get ahead of ourselves.  There is nothing to achieve.  It’s all about now.  Who are you helping?  Who are you being?  How often are you letting go and simply being open to receiving?  What is your vision?  Do you even have a vision?  If you don’t, then get one.  With a vision, you will be guided.  Without vision, you will be easily misguided.  We simply need to focus on where we want to be, and then open ourselves up to moving toward that place, knowing that how we get there is none of our business.  That’s where I am today.  I know what I want.  I know what I don’t want, but while I’m feeling raw between the two, I’m going to put my head down and help others, even if it’s simply helping my daughter get ready in the morning because she’s running late.  That’s where it’s at.  I know it sounds mediocre, but to get anywhere, we have to embrace each moment as if it’s the path toward our vision, because it truly is.

What Begins with WHY and Ends with YOU?

Quick fix

In high school, I recall wanting to lose a bunch of weight quickly, but a doctor told me I would have to eat right and exercise for the best results.  I was angry with the doctor because I wanted a pill to do all the work for me.  Eventually, ephedra was hot on the market, and there I had my quick fix.  I lost the 40 extra pounds I’d been carrying most of my life, and while I took the pills, I remained quite thin.  The worst part about it was that I could eat like a pig and not gain a pound, so I developed terrible eating habits while using ephedra.  Eventually the FDA took the pills off the market because there were a few reported deaths due to heart attacks.  I was more than willing to put my life on the line to take those pills and remain a size four, but I would either have to accept my natural size ten, or figure out a way to keep the weight off organically.  There is nothing on the shelves that will melt the pounds away and keep them off.  Eating right and exercise is the only sustaining answer, so I had to change my mindset.

This last year, after three years of recovery, I have slowly lost weight that I gained while drinking.  It has taken me six months to lose ten pounds.  That sound dreadful, I know, but at least the habit of eating right and a daily exercise routine is something I have been able to maintain, not to mention that my self-esteem has increased, because doing the hard work has made me feel good about myself.  If I can’t look in the mirror and accept myself for what I am right now, then there is a lot more work to do simply than a diet.  More than anything, I want to be healthy, feel good and live a long life.  If it takes me three more years to lose another ten or fifteen pounds, I’ve got the patience now.  I know it will stay off because I’m not using a quick fix, and I fundamentally feel good about myself for once.

This morning I read an article about a vaccine for heroin addiction – a pharmaceutical that will block the cravings.  This is another one of America’s short term answers to a fundamental problem in the culture.  This drug could literally increase the usage of heroin.  I mean, my old addict thinking is like, “Cool.  Now I can try heroin because if I get addicted, I can go to the doctor to stop the cravings…”   (Yeah, that’s how sick I am on an addict level).  There are no sustaing quick fixes in life.  As pioneers, we Americans are also incredibly backwards.  We work ourselves to the bone to maintain a standard of living, and then drug ourselves into zombies in order to maintain that standard of living.  None of it is fulfilling, and there is way too much pressure in our society.  We’ve got to turn this around on a fundamental level.

When I was twenty-seven, I already had been married for six years, birthed two children, and maintained a stressful career for nine years.  I got the children ready in the morning, did all the laundry, kept my house in tip top shape, cooked dinner most of the time, and cleaned up afterward.  I was doing what I thought was “normal,” but I was miserable.  I got through it with ephedra and alcohol.  We all know how that ended.  My husband was fighting his own demons at the time, trying to contort his natural way of being, into a standard American husband model.  We both failed greatly.  I don’t know how most people do it without going insane, especially if they are doing it sober.  All of that keeping up with the Jones’ nonsense, felt like I was twisting my soul inside out and then flushing it down the toilet.  To make things worse, some people made this lifestyle look incredibly easy, and the pressure from outside people, was terrifically constricting.  I didn’t know anything about what I wanted in life, yet I was molding myself into something completely opposite of who I truly was.  I’m an explorer, not a homebody.  I’m creative, not regiment, like my career required of me.  I’m also not keen on committed relationships.  I cried a lot back then.

It takes a lot of courage to discover yourself, and all your defaults of character on a fundamental level, but some of us don’t have a choice.  For some reason (perhaps a deal I made with the gods before I was born), I couldn’t ever drink myself to death, so the only solution for me was to figure out how to live my life sober without being completely miserable.  Nearly four years later, here I am sober and happy.  My lifestyle is nowhere near what it was in my twenties.  It certainly doesn’t live up to the American standards, but I am fulfilled.  I took the time to find out who I was.  I explored myself and the world around me enough to know that I’ve got dreams, and hopes and yearnings.  To ignore those, is futile for me.  I have nightmares of people telling me, “You have a calling to be a pianist in a church…” blah blah blah.  (You might as well stick a needle in my arm and call it a day).  God, the last thing I need is people deciding what’s best for me, yet that’s what I did until my late twenties.  Thank the gods for my rebellious nature.  It eventually did me a world of good.

I truly believe that there are people who have naturally addictive personalities, just like there are those who are naturally hyper.  I call that “excess energy.”  It simply needs to be channeled.  Put an addict to work on something they love, and you will see passion.  That extra energy simply needs to be focused.  Most people who have an addictive personality, are incredibly ingenuitive.  You can’t put a bird in a cage and expect it to forget about flying.  I hate seeing birds in cages.  It’s awful.  It reminds me of a creative mind being forced to learn algebra.  (Kill me now…)

There is no quick fix to a fundamental problem.  We need to teach our children how to channel their creative energy into what they’re passionate about.  If they are drawn to horses, we shouldn’t direct them toward tap dancing just because that’s our dream.  If another family has all their children in sports and your child doesn’t like sports, don’t force them to be in sports.  It’s a dangerous thing we’re doing by keeping up with the Jones.’  If you hate working nine-to-five, find a way to make a living more creatively.  The good thing about America is that we have a lot of choices.  We shouldn’t settle, and we should never stop exploring.  It is not human nature to be stagnant.

I feel like there are many people who are fundamentally unhappy, and rather than taking the time to explore ourselves, we quick fix it.  Many people don’t have a drug or alcohol problem, but they eat to fill a void.  This is so common.  Other people are chronic relationship chasers.  Listen, we all have an inner void.  It’s there for a reason.  Explore the void, rather than trying to fill it.  It takes less time to enter into that void than it does to fill the void.  You can never fill the void because it isn’t a void at all.  It’s your inner-self needing your full attention, and it gets louder and louder until you acquaint yourself with it.  We need to learn to sit quietly with ourselves, and to be uncomfortable once in a while without trying to numb the discomfort.  We all have traumas and pains and sorrows.  They are there to assist us in our spiritual development, but if we ignore them or numb them, then we end up even more miserable for a longer period of time.

Self-love is the answer to this backwards thinking society, but not on a topical level.  We need to go deep.  It doesn’t take as long as we fear, and the journey is incredible.  The bottom line is that if you’re unhappy, you can turn it around, but you need to do the work.  Admitting it is the first step.  If you can do that, then you’re already brave.  You also need to be courageous and willing.  And if you can’t muster the courage up, think about the end of your life and reflect on what it’s going to feel like if you didn’t make an effort.  If you spend your life trying to impress other people, how is that going to add up in the end?  It’s not worth it.  We are responsible for what we do, who we hang out with, how we feel and where we are headed.  There is no one or nothing that can pump you full of self-esteem.  It takes work, and time, but it’s worth it because the journey is truly fulfilling.  Along the way you realize what you’ve been missing all along, which is incredibly profound.  I won’t give it away, but it begins with Y and ends with U!

“Do Not Conform to the World, But Be Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind…” (This is a constant)

Thinking

We underestimate ourselves, and settle for way less than optimum. From a very young age we are conditioned to think that life is mostly against us, while being ignorantly taught “survival of the fittest,” although this statement was never coined by the late Charles Darwin, who not only studied the theory that life struggles to remain alive, but later confirmed that this was not so. He determined the reason why life continues living, is definitely not because it fights. It’s because it adapts to its environment and goes with the flow. Harmony allows life to thrive on this planet – not competition. It is not the strongest creatures on this planet who thrive here. Those that collaborate with their environment, are the ones who flourish.

Our most idolized scientists of late (including Stephen Hawking who is still profoundly alive), study their own theories so thoroughly, that they prove themselves wrong, and end up opening another one of Pandora’s boxes in nature. It seems that there is no solid, fundamental particle that gives us the true make-up of life, although science has been trying to pin the source of life down for centuries. Even the Higgs Boson field (discovered in July 2012 – a.k.a. “God Particle”) is incredibly subjective and “unstable.” What is being discovered, is that consciousness and human intention plays a significant role in how subatomic particles (like quarks) navigate. It is within a human being’s innate power, to observe and create their own experience by what they focus on during the experience. Over and over, science has proven that human consciousness plays a direct role in how an experiment unfolds. Results of several experiments are subjective, according to whom the observer is during the experiment, and according to what they believe while they are performing the experiment.

We have be un-empowered in this society, believing that we must compete in order to thrive in the world. We must work hard, and struggle if we are going to succeed. (Does “divide and conquer” ring any bells? What a great way to control society, so that individuals don’t realize their true nature). It is a competitive culture we live in, but we all end up in the same boat – “From ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” There are many people who have had it all, just to discover that money and power doesn’t equal joy. If you compete your way through life, there is no end to the competition. There will always be someone richer, better, prettier, etc. If this is your goal, then it is completely unobtainable, and if your goal is to live the “American Dream,” then you are selling yourself incredibly short. That material way of thinking is terribly unfulfilling. Our nature is to create, to evolve, and to thrive. In order to thrive, we must be open to life. If you have a strict opinion or belief about anything, then you are shutting yourself off from the incredible journey of being. Life is subjective, according to the observer. Life moves and unfolds according to how you think. If you are open to great things, then great things will occur for you. If you are shut down and opinionated, then life will be very small, and you will probably discover yourself agitated when things don’t go your way.

People are so busy pointing fingers at what is wrong in this world, fixated on the problems of society, and praying for God to deliver the planet from corruption, that they are too blind to see that their own human power, when focused and directed with total consciousness, has the power akin to the light of the sun. One human being has the power to illuminate the entire world. Some people are so arrogant to think that they have solely been blessed by God with special gifts and powers, but the truth is, we all have consciousness, which means we all have the innate power to change the course of humanity.

Rather than competing to be right, contending to be the best, or fixating on the problems of society, we should focus our energy on healing disease, and breaking down the walls of institutionalized thinking. You cannot place a box around life and expect it to flourish. God does not reside inside of a church, and the answers (which are always subjective) are not discovered within the walls of a classroom. You cannot pinpoint the truth, because it is always flowing and moving and changing according to the observer. God is not one thing, or several. God is, which means that you can’t grab God and label God and identify God’s source. It will never happen.

Your own consciousness defines and determines your experience of life. You can either package your life up into an ideal, or allow it to flow, evolve and thrive. You can focus your energy on a standard way of living, or open yourself up to a spectacular way of being. There are no limits to what can occur when you are open. You completely limit yourself when you are convinced about anything. Life is incredibly subjective. We have the power to move mountains, so why are so we fixated on mediocrity? Soon we will understand how ignorant we have been all along, now that science is realizing that consciousness is the very fabric of our existence.

How you think, and what you believe, determines the result of your life experience. If you want greater things, then it is up to you to be open to those greater things. It is not going to appear out of the sky in the blink of an eye from someone outside of yourself. You are determining your life experience right now. The more love you give, the more you will receive. The more support you give, the more you will receive. The more compassion you give, the more you will receive. I had a big wake-up call the other day when two people told me that I was responsible for my own success. My success is subjective to how I think about myself, not how society thinks about me. If I think it is subject to how society thinks of me, then I am completely stifling myself from my full potential. If we have the power to move subatomic particles on a fundamental level, then imagine our power on a universal scale.

We underestimate ourselves because this is what we have been conditioned to do in our society. The people in the world who are of greatest influence, are those that do not subject themselves to one way of thinking, but open themselves up to possibilities beyond measure. This can be you, but it is clearly up to you to get out of the box and flourish. How boring we have become in America. We are creatures of habit, and parrots of our predecessors, rather than realizing our own dynamic potential. Why so much addiction and mental illness? Because we are completely going against nature, and it is driving us mad. There is so much more to life, but we have cultivated a society of limitations, laws, with an institutionalized way of thinking. What for? I don’t exactly know, but I certainly don’t want any part of it. I am not afraid to walk against the crowd if it means that I get to discover something beyond that which I’ve been taught. I don’t want to be told – I long to discover. I want the magic, not the material.

There is magic to behold. It is up to each person to realize their full potential. If you are tired of your life, then change your thinking around it. Do something different. Be open to a subjective existence rather than being stuck in the familiarity of your conditioning. All those beautiful stories in the Bible are illustrations of the human potential, yet we’ve ignorantly condensed them into a religious belief system. Even the interpretation of such texts is incredibly subjective. Don’t you see? It is through your vision that the world expands. It is your belief that determines your reality. The only limitations are our own.

If technology is synthetic of nature (and I propose it is), then as you can see, there are no limitations to what will evolve out of technology. Likewise nature is non-absolute. It is subject to interpretation and open to our imaginations. There is so much more to this existence merely than having a career, reproducing, retiring and dying. Don’t you agree? So if you’re bored like I was, in this institutionalized society, then might I suggest that you go a little bit deeper? Learn about who you truly are on a conscious level, and do experiments with intention. Practice giving yourself what you are looking for outside of yourself. Go the distance in your lifetime. If you are straight, gay, transsexual, Muslim, Christian, disabled, female, male, an addict in recovery, or simply feeling lost because you don’t know who you are, then you are clearly a human being with a brilliant mind who has the ability to move mountains, simply by directing your mind to greater awareness. Your differences are more about how you think, than they are about how you label yourself.

“Be not conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” (Romans 12:2)  This is a empowering scripture. We can transform anything by simply changing our thinking, and we should continually be changing our thinking if we want to be constantly renewed.

Living in Blind Faith is the Best High You’ll Ever Have

Miracle

You never know what is just around the corner, or down the street, or who is standing right beside you in a grocery store. That person may be your next best friend, or a mentor that you’ve been waiting for all along. You never know what beauty will transpire after a week of heavy sorrow. Keep tuning in, turning on, and heed to the calling of your soul. Don’t give up before the miracle happens, my friend, but the miracle is not some promise of greater things to come. The miracle is that you have a choice to open yourself up to the moment. This moment could happen to be the one that changes the course of your life, or it could be the one that you didn’t seize because it didn’t appear any different than the last moment. The miracle is always YOU; the brilliant observer of the world. The feeler, hearer, the toucher, the doer, the being that is having a human experience. You have the keys in your very hand to live a life of grace, or an existence of friction. You can live open and willing, or you can completely shut down. You have options to either hold on to the past, or to release that old heavy anchor and be set free in this moment, which is a gift of greater things to come, but you have to choose that. You have to say, “I know that there are greater things to come. I trust that there are greater things to come, so I’m going to keep moving forward and be open to greater things to come.”

A year and a half ago, I had a huge life decision to make for myself and my children. There was absolutely no laid out path for me, yet my soul was kicking and screaming to move across the Bay where I felt like I was supposed to be. I had no money, no car, and no job there. In the words of most people, “Keep dreaming, lady. That’s impossible” was running through my head, but for the first time in my life, I decided not to listen. Instead, I heeded to the calling of my soul. On weekends, I asked my boyfriend to drive me across the Bay so that I could feel if it was right for me to be there. It not only felt right, but we ran into a coworker of his who looked into my eyes and said, “Follow your spirit.” Another weekend we were there, a Realtor happened to mention that she was originally from the East Bay (where I was), and she had no business moving to the North Bay, but she moved her family here simply because it felt right. She told me it was the best move she ever made. BAM. I didn’t have to think twice after running into those women. I began doing what I had to do in order to make it happen.

Within months I acquired a job, found a place to live and moved my faith-filled ass across the Bay. Things have been ok. I’m pretty happy here, but I’ve also been floundering about what to do next. I write books that pretty much flow from my fingers, put them out there, and not much happens. I have no urges to do anything but write, so I continue writing, and waiting, and trusting that something is going to come of it, but I’ll be honest – it’s been a very lonely path. It’s desolate and scary, and often I feel like all I’ve done for myself and my children is create an even more difficult existence for all of us. We don’t have things like other people have. We don’t go on expensive vacations and we certainly don’t have the means to buy a home here, which is about a million dollars or more.  Things go through my head all the time, like – You’re a failure. You have no talent. You should have gone to college because you’re always going to struggle. Your children are going to struggle right along with you and you made a bad decision to try to move into an affluent area. You’ll never be like those people because you don’t have what they have. They have spouses with solid jobs, and greater educations. They know big people. You know nobody. They have trust funds and you have debt. You’ll always be stuck, so don’t delude yourself to think that there is something greater to come. Blah blah blah.

Sometimes I buy into that garbage, and decide that I can live with this kind of failure because at least I’m living in a beautiful area and my daughter is getting a great education, and there are plenty of opportunities for my son. My children are completely safe when they walk around town, and people here are friendly. For that, I am grateful. But my soul is not one to settle. She is a little tigress who knows better. She doesn’t cave in and shut down and listen to the nonsense in my head. She says, “Keep going. Continue writing. Ask for help. Tune in to the signs around you. Turn on to the possibilities.” Sometimes she drags me along by a thread and makes me get out of bed when I want to hide away under the covers. “Go on a walk,” she tells me. I listen because she’s always right.

“Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.” But the miracle is not some grandiose thing that comes out of nothing, though it often will. The miracle is the knowing in your heart – the calling of your soul. It’s when you only have a clue and you take a leap because you trust. That’s all YOU. That’s the miracle. The fact that you have an inner guidance system leading you to the right people at the right time, that tells you to keep moving forward. For me it simply says, “Continue writing.” I have nothing to go on but that little voice inside of me that always says, “Continue writing. Don’t stop. Just keep doing it.” I get frustrated often, and I feel like a fool. But a fool can also be brilliant, because she has nothing to go on, yet great things show up for her. She is that open, you see.

The other day I went on another one of my gut urges – you know – the old tigress soul was telling me to do something different, so I did. I didn’t expect much out of it, but I got a phone call. Probably the greatest phone call of my life, although the Oprah show did call me once, but it wasn’t to talk about my books (because I didn’t have any then). It was of a tragic nature. I met Oprah, and sat with her, and informed the world that I was a drunk. That was fun. (Not really). But this phone call last night happened to turn things around for me. It was the one that I’ve been waiting for all along, yet I had no idea that it would ever happen. My own imagination couldn’t have come up with such an ideal offering. Without getting into details, I finally have what I’ve been asking for all along: Direction, a Mentor, support for my books, and an opportunity to get them out there. BAM! One email and the door is wide open for me. Not only did I get direction, a mentor, support for my books, and an opportunity to get them out there, but it all came in one package, through one person who knows everyone. One compassionate soul who wants to help, for no other reason than he heeds to the calling of his soul. The greatest thing is, he is in recovery, and I had no idea about that when I sent that email.  

You never know what is just around the corner, or what this very moment has to offer, but you don’t ever give up. You keep moving forward. You continue doing what you’re doing and trusting that there are greater things to come. You speak aloud what you require to get you through hard times. You ask for help. You do not cave into your fears. You don’t allow doubt to steer you wrong. You listen to your spirit, because she knows something that you don’t know. She knows you’re a miracle right now and she wants to show you something beyond the right now.

Living a faith-filled life is better than any high I’ve ever had in the past.  It’s filled with wonder, grace, surprise, adrenaline, and simple beauty.  It’s scary, and often confusing if you’re not letting go along the way.  It’s magical and fulfilling.  I don’t have what a lot of people have, yet somehow I have more, because I trust that there are greater things to come.  I am not stuck.  I am limitless, and free, and open.  I didn’t quit five minutes before the miracle happened, and guess what?  There is absolutely no stopping me now… BAM!

http://www.amazon.com/J.L.-Forbes/e/B00HS980ZI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1420729757&sr=8-1