Recognizing Stressful Sitations as a Process for Inner Awareness

woman meditating on rock

WOW it’s been a week!  Too much going on, yet no way to slow it down.  I don’t know what planets are aligned where or if Mercury is in retro-freaking-grade, or if Gemini is being eclipsed by whatever, but I feel like a frigging tennis ball.  Friday finally approached, just before a three day holiday I’m having with my family out on our private river island (oasis from this hellish week), and it turns out to be the most stressful day of all.  Unexpected twists and turns – a roller coaster of a day and evening, and none of it was fun, except when I finally sat down in bed last night and saw a really funny FB post.  Laughter certainly eased my anxiety, but then there were the dreams.  More stress, twists and turns and then I found myself purchasing a big bottle of god-knows-what at a liquor store. Drinking dreams.  They’ve come up a lot this week.  The worst ones are so realistic.  I drink and actually feel drunk.  I smell the booze and the next day I cannot recall anything from the night before.  It’s all too realistic for me.  This morning, my nerves are like the tattered strings of an old violin.  I’m spent. 

We all go through off-days and off-weeks.  I haven’t had anything like this come up for me in such a long time that I actually believed I’d transcended chaos.  Ha!  It’s good for me to know that I’m still in the running for Gandhi’s successor (I am so just kidding – trust me I really need sarcasm as a crutch today).  The truth is, I stopped looking at physical situations as “reality” and have come to a place where I understand these situations arise so that I can actually feel what’s going on for me – the inner reality.  I’ve been in fear all week.  I mean, anxiety central right here.  It hasn’t been constant, but there have been several occurrences that have brought up so much fear in me that I could not even pretend to be at peace.  And thank god for that.  I don’t like being delusional about myself.  I want to know what’s really going on with me.  I want my awful ugly side to come up once in a while so that I can get a good look at it and remember that I am human.  Life is not a fairy prance.  It’s raw.  It’s sometimes terrifying, and it comes with unexpected cliff hangers.  I don’t particularly like being on the edge, but it keeps me real.  It helps the suppressed fears to bubble up so that I can shine a light on those fears and release them out of my body.  These twists and turns are like physical exfoliation of my suppressed emotions.  Ugh, it sucks, but man I’m so grateful to be aware of myself, instead of thinking the world is coming up against me.  On the contrary.  It’s time for me to release some of this fear.  It’s time for me to be aware that it’s deep down inside of me.  It’s about time I faced it and had a little rendezvous with my old suppressed acquaintances.  The truth is, nothing BAD really happened this week, although a lot of things could have went “wrong,” and they still could go “wrong,” but now that I’m aware of my fears, I can easily accept any “wrong” that does happen because it isn’t the situation occurring.  It’s truly about facing those fears that come up when those situations bring it on.

I’ve been in jail.  I’ve lost everything.  I’ve faced the entire world on the Oprah show regarding a traumatic DUI involving my child.  People probably wonder why I’m so open about my life and my break ups and all the other shit that comes up for me.  I’m not afraid of other people’s judgment.  That’s LONG gone.  Don’t care what people think about me when I’m being true to who I am.  What I am afraid of, are other things that came up for me this week.  So it’s good that they came up for me through the mirror of physical reality.  I’m quite aware of my fears right now, and I’m not beating myself up for how I feel or my mistakes or for simply being human.  I’m merely taking a good look at myself and asking for guidance as I continue along my path. 

If you’re having a bad week, or a terrible month, or you just can’t seem to break the funk – take a good look at what’s coming up for you.  Take a real good inventory of those arising emotions.  That’s where the focus should be.  The outside stuff will work itself out.  Just keep looking inward.  This is where we need to keep our focus.  You wanna change the world?  Or at least YOUR world?  Well, keep working from the inside out.  Eternal peace often needs to rid itself of suppressed fears, so love yourself enough to allow those fears to dissipate through the mirror of physical reality.  For me, it all started with an earthquake at 3:00 a.m. last week, and here I am almost a week later still having a lot of anxiety.  Good for me.  I’m not anywhere near a place of arrival in my recovery.  It’s a good reminder that I only have right now and right now needs my full awareness and attention!  Never perfection – ALWAYS progress…

The Wayshower’s Way

Beacon Light

To shine the truth on others

Truth must shine from me

They’ll listen if the truth

Is what they what they truly seek

 

When the door of truth knocks hard

Deep within their soul

They shall seek out truth in those

Who walk in kindness whole

 

The road to Truth is narrow

And buried deep in script

Very few will find the path

On words they will be tripped

 

Be a beacon light

Not a foghorn loud

Be the stillness standing firm

Rejected are the proud

 

Speak not with condemnation

Emanate with love

See yourself in others

Over them you are not above

 

The thing we come to do on Earth

Is to learn the “I AM” way

Choose fear or choose your freedom

Be confused or learn to play!

 

J. L. Forbes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most People Are a Slave to Something – Are You a Slave to Something?

Slave

When I was growing up in church and playing the piano for our youth group (over fifteen years ago now – MAN I’m getting old), one of my favorite song’s chorus was “Break through the chains, in my life. Tear down the strongholds and the walls.  Deliver me from all bondage and strife.  That I may hear when you call.  I give you my all.”  We sang this over and over, feeling the power in the affirmation to break free from those chains.  At the time I thought of marijuana as my chain because I smoked a lot of it and loved it, and lived a double life because of it.  I probably thought of sex too, as a chain, although I was monogamous with the one boyfriend that became my husband.  I loved him dearly, but felt guilty about the intimacy we shared because we were taught in church that if we were not married, that sex was wrong.  I had no idea at the time that I was a slave to more than just marijuana and sex.  I was a slave to fear, to religion, to other people’s ideas and beliefs.  Bottom line – I was a slave.  I had no sovereignty like I have now.  I didn’t know who I was, which direction I was going, what my purpose for being here was, or my relationship with the surrounding world.  I was completely lost.  ‘Amazing Grace’ was one of my favorite songs at the time too, but when I sang the words (“I once was lost, but now I’m found”) – I was lying.  I was not found.  I was still completely lost.  You see, I was going outside of my own inner light to attach myself to a belief system.  I had no idea that I was part of something greater.

If you are a slave to something, you are probably quite aware of it.  But if you aren’t aware of your dependence on something, how do you find out if you are a slave?  It is really simple… Without it, there will be a grave state of fear in place of that “something.”   If you are afraid to let something go in your life… BINGO! (a.k.a. indication of slavery).

Case and point – I am a fairly spiritual person (really?), and when I first left the rehabilitation center after six months of rigorous treatment, I was challenged by my peers about it.  I was at a place in my recovery then that I was able to look at myself and see myself without debating the people confronting me, or being defensive about my “ways.”  I looked at how I was navigating in the world and realized that I may have been using spirituality as a crutch in order to feel better about reality.  So I willfully let my spiritual side go.  It terrified me to let it go, but I was willing to test the waters without my mask of “spirituality.”  I trusted the process because we were taught to shed our masks in order become whole and firmly rooted.  I walked around Berkeley and went to my two jobs without any thought toward God or the power in my life, or the magic surrounding me.  I simply took on the rawness and mundaneness of the physical world.  It was intense for me, but it taught me something about myself.  You see, I was AFRAID to let that part of myself go.  I was scared to “not be spiritual.”  This was a good indication that I was a slave to my “way of being.” 

For several months I walked in the rawness of reality and it was then that I found my balance.  It was there that I became rooted in who I was (which is exactly where we want to be).  I was not living a personification of joy.  I was not deflecting every situation into a “spiritual lesson.”  Some things in life are just shitty and it’s ok to admit this and to be aware of it.  I was tested and tried in myself.  I felt pulled from the inside out.  I was forced to walk through my fear of boredom and to look at things as they were without insight or philosophy.  It was a time when my repressed emotions came to swallow me whole.  I allowed them to overcome me, and I discovered that I was NOT at peace.  I was not at peace like I believed I was.  This was abundantly clear through my current of my emotions.  So I continued shedding that mask of being a “spiritual person” and simply walked in the world as a human being, which was full of dynamic contrast and incredibly beautiful.  You know what happened?  I woke up.

When I got to a place where I was no longer afraid, is when I knew that I had something solid in my life.  I understood then that I didn’t need the crutch of spirituality.  You see, I became whole in myself.  I understood that I was responsible for my life.  I understood that I was responsible for what thoughts I bought into, and which ones I could toss aside but more than anything, I learned how to feel my way through life.  I saw things for what they were without the rose colored glasses, and felt every emotion that arose from within me, and it was invigorating.  I walked through my fear of letting go – THAT was powerful.  What was on the other side of my fear?  ME.  Just simply me along with my constant river of emotions.  And it is up to me to reach inside myself to discover that inner light.  I had it all along.  I didn’t need to cloak myself in spirituality.  I simply learned to center myself from the inside out, which a spiritually balanced way of being. The human experience accompanies our soul journey. There really is no separation.  When I talk of spiritual things now, and share my insights, it is because I am truly experienced in my walk of faith.  I am solid.  I share with a genuine knowing instead of sharing a belief. 

If you have something in your life that scares the shit out of you to relinquish, then it is a clear indication that you are a slave to that something.  Do yourself a favor and let it go.  Walk away from it.  Put it down.  Recondition yourself to live without it.  Step out in faith.  Be courageous.  Be sovereign.  Be set free from that bondage.  If it is a belief – challenge and test the belief until it becomes a knowing. And in the words of one of my favorite church songs, “Break through the chains in my life.  Tear down the strongholds and the walls…”  Hallelujah – AMEN!

 

 

New Day – New Beginning

New Beginnings

Nature is the greatest example of “how to be.”  Nothing in nature (besides human beings) worries about what comes next.  We are the only species that has the ability to embody fear indefinitely.  Some of us walk in the darkness of our fear without even knowing it.  But if we look around and see how the plants and animals live in harmony, we will notice that they are in a constant state of trusting their environment in a state of being present.  They thrive from the offerings of the earth and they don’t worry.  They innately know that they will be given all that they need.  This is a great lesson for all of humanity.

I wake up as the sun is rising and it is a beautiful reminder that each day is a brand new beginning.  The crickets and frogs pass their symphony onto to the birds.  The darkness is relinquished as the sun moves her dance to this side of the planet.  A morning dew refreshes the plants, and we wake up again.  A fresh start is offered to each living creature. Tomorrow does not exist.  Yesterday is long gone.  The thing that we are generously given on a constant basis is NOW.  The only thing that takes us out of now, is our labyrinth of thoughts.  We wake up with regrets, worries, plans, ideas and often we rush through our mornings to get somewhere on time.  We lose ourselves throughout our day, and forget to touch, taste, see, smell, listen, laugh… feel.  We forget these gifts of life because we think that life is a car, a job, parenting, wearing the mask of professionalism, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, finding out what’s on the news… etc.  I’ve got news for you.  Real news.  There is a whole universe you are missing out on while you’re engrossed in the surface of life.  The whole universe is you and this very moment.

I used to think life was incredibly boring.  I was so bored that I despised even being here, and there were times when I looked forward to death.  If I wasn’t bored, I was terrified, which is even worse.  How did that all change for me?  Well, first because I yearned for it to change, and second, because one beautiful morning in 2011, I woke up with the sunrise and realized that it was all I had, and it was all I ever needed.  There was nothing other than me and this moment.  That was it.  That was always going to be it.  How refreshing.  How thirst quenching.  How simple and incredibly profound.  So here I am.  Here you are.  Wake up.  It’s a new day.  Embrace the new beginnings rather than embody your fear.  Let go of the need to control outcome and take it all in, because this is all you have.  This is all you ever have.  Thank God for that, because it is so perfectly uncomplicated – this right here, right now moment.  The whole universe (you) is encompassed in today.  Isn’t that something to behold?

How About a Little Encouragement… Just for Today!

Encouragment

No matter what you are going through right now, trust that it is an opportunity for growth.  Regard it as a challenge on the vast field of life and know that when you overcome it, there will be victory.  We are not helpless.  We are incredibly brilliant people.  Each and every one of us.  Some of us simply have not tuned into their own inner light.  Many are lost because they do not know their potential, and so many people in the world are chasing temporary pleasures instead of diving into themselves and seeking out the hidden treasure, which is sustainable joy.  Perhaps if you already know how incredibly brilliant you are, you can spend today offering love to others.  Give encouragement where it is due and let your friends and family know how much they mean to you.  Write a letter, send a card, be of service.  We should all be doing more of this, especially when we are feeling down ourselves.  I recall one Valentine’s Day when I didn’t have a valentine.  My mom told me to “be a valentine” to others that day – and it really worked for me.  It lifted my spirits, and it brought me a lot of joy, but more than anything, it was a clue that I already had what I believed I was lacking.  Back then in my early twenties, I had no idea that I was the one I was searching for all along.  My soul doesn’t “need” a mate.  It is whole and filled with love.  When I do meet someone who I want to share my life with, they will merely enhance who I AM.

You are stronger than you know.  This is for certain.  Human beings are incredible creatures.  We are dynamic with powerful minds, eternal souls, and filled with emotions as great as the sea.  When we are in discord with these three parts of ourselves, we feel lost, but when we follow the path that we were destined to walk while we are alive, we discover harmony within.  If you are feeling lost, it isn’t because you’ve strayed in life; it is simply because you’ve strayed from your Self.  I read someone’s post the other day on Facebook that said something about not following the path of God, and how this is “wrong.”  After spending twenty years following God and failing miserably, and trying to stay within the fine margins of “right and wrong,” I understand now that God is not some separate entity from myself.  The only way I can stray from God is if I’ve left myself behind in the wake of my running from who I AM.

Many times in life, we get into relationships that are painful, and we continue trying to make things work with that other person because we “love them.”  I’ve done this a few times in my life.  The truth is, that person is most likely a temporary mirror into yourself to see where you are still looking outside of yourself for wholeness.  When you discover your own wholeness, you will not settle for a painful relationship.  You will wait for the person who comes along and accepts you for exactly who you are without pressuring you into being something more, and who loves you unconditionally.  Continue loving yourself until you get to this place of wholeness.  Too many people settle because they do not understand their worth.

You are beautiful just the way you are, but if you feel otherwise, learn how to take care of yourself and nurture yourself so that you will feel beautiful.  Eat foods that are nutritious.  Take a stroll once a day.  Exercise.  Treat yourself like you would treat someone you actually love.  If you aren’t doing the best for your body, mind and soul, of course you are going to feel bad about yourself.  It is great to love your body, but if it isn’t healthy, then learn to nurture it.  We are responsible for our health, not God – so take responsibility.  Many times people live an unhealthy lifestyle and then expect God (through prayer) to turn that all around.  Isn’t it exciting to know that you have control over your life?  I know when I realized that I was responsible for me, that I became very conscious about my life.  And this makes life very exciting and fulfilling.  Don’t be lazy.  Be set free and walk in your body as if it belongs to YOU.  It DOES!  You CAN have a healthy body by nurturing yourself and by taking responsibility for what you eat and how you live.  This is not out of your control.

You can break free from anything – addiction, bad relationships, and cycles that no longer serve you.  YOU have the power to change your life.  You are limitless.  You are a visionary.  BE everything – you lack NOTHING.  Know this and own it, then go out and share your secret with the world!

 

What Does it Feel Like to “Wake Up” or to Become Conscious?

Conscious Living

When you go through transformation and change, it often feels like the world is squeezing you through an emotional birth canal.  And as you begin waking up to your life, there are times when it may feel as if you are disconnected from everything.  I recall feeling detached from the world around me, which caused me to question even moving forward with “spiritual enlightenment” (this is the label that is placed on ‘waking up’ from living inside your thoughts into living in the present, detached from your thoughts).  Detaching yourself from your thoughts is somewhat like peeling and scraping an old piece of scotch tape from a desk.  It takes some time and strength.  It is certainly frustrating, and there are times you feel like giving up.  Don’t.      

Trust that when you begin this process, there will be some turbulence along the way, but keep your eyes and ears open to things leading you into the right direction.  Know that you are always being guided along your journey.  Be aware of the silence that may feel as if you are completely alone in the world, but don’t use it as an excuse to give up.  The silence may feel like desolation, but it is this desolation you need in order to discover your Self (your higher self).  Silence is the space in which to listen to your inner being.  It’s the place of healing, growing and learning about walking in faith.  In time, silence will become your friend – and the closer you become to your Self and understand who you are through this process, the more connected you will feel to the people and the surrounding world.

When fear comes up for you (oh, and it will), step out of its grip by acknowledging its presence, and by finding out what it’s telling you without following its path.  You can listen to fear without heeding to it.  In order to “wake up,” you must overcome your fear by facing it – for this is what has kept you quite asleep in your life.  If it is becoming too much for you, simply tell the universe to “slow down” the process.  You are in control.  You have authority over your life.  When you begin waking up, you will understand your power, and fear will no longer have authority over you.

You will be tested and challenged throughout this process.  Know this and be aware of it as it is occurring.  People will come along and push you into other directions.  Others may prod you toward “negative” emotions.  They are not aware that they are your teachers along your path.  Keep moving forward, ignore distractions, be aware of anything that enters into your experience to send you off course.  And if you go off course for a time, know that it is nothing more than part of your experience.  Sometimes we have to go off the path in order for the path to become clearer.  Always practice compassion for yourself – no matter what.

Emotions will arise – some of them so intense you may feel like you are nowhere near “enlightenment.”  Don’t suppress your emotions.  Don’t be a fool and act like they do not exist.  Emotions have to be regarded so that they can move through your body.  Anger and rage may overcome you at times.  Sadness may envelop you for no reason at all.  Scenes in movies may trigger you to cry uncontrollably.  Allow the tears to flow.  Feel any rage that comes up without acting on it.  When I was going through this process, I felt completely out of control at times, and it would usually be when I thought I’d reached the height of my “awakening.”  It was a gentle reminder that “waking up” is an ongoing process.  It never ends.  Each day is a practice of self-awareness and living consciously.  There is no end to the path, except perhaps upon death when we are in spirit.  As you continue this practice of acknowledging your emotions, they will begin to move through you much more swiftly, and you will discover this is because you are firmly rooted in joy.  Your emotions are like rain and your inner joy is like a window that the rain merely rolls down and dissipates while the window remains in tact.

Shedding the ego is part of this experience, and for me it always feels like something in my body is thrashing.  I am still shedding my ego.  When it occurs, is usually when I’m feeling the most restless.  I used to dread these moments of restlessness, but now I embrace them knowing that it is a time of great growth.  The ego is afraid to let go.  It feels like it must protect you, so it fights when you are ready to move on from that portion of yourself.  It is helpful to talk to your ego and to tell it that it is ok to move on.  Give it permission to leave.  Gently tell it that this part of you no longer serves you and that you are graciously letting it go.  Thank it for wanting to protect you.  If you are anything like me, you will feel something in your being, squirm and wrestle around.  It will also provoke emotions.  Watch it, rather than buy into it.  The shedding of the ego is like getting rid of “demons.”  When I read about Jesus casting out demons in the Bible, I truly believe that he was clairvoyant enough to see the ego, and to call it out by name.  The way the Bible describes how the demons reacted, was exactly what I feel in my own body when the ego is being shed.  To remain humble, we must shed the ego.

Waking up is a choice and once you make this decision, there really is no turning back.  In a room that is dark, when a candle is lit, you can blow it out, but the memory of that room will never go away.  There are times when I doubted everything about this awakening process, and then I understood that doubt is part of the experience.  Waking up to yourself is like going into the dense wilderness and coming out with a fresh and beautiful new perspective.  Learn to meditate for clarity, pray for guidance and practice trusting that where you are is exactly where you need to be, without judgment.  If you are going through this process and want to share with others what you are experiencing, please post in the comment section.  

Cast Your Nets to The Right Side… (Say WHAT)?!

Cast Your Nets

It has been assessed that we are between 50 – 65% water.  Isn’t this interesting considering we appear to be quite full of mass (especially in America – ahem)?  It has also been determined that while a storm creates chaos in the ocean, nothing down below the surface is unsettled.  The fish and mammals are 2000 leagues under the sea having a tea party with Ariel the mermaid and none of them are shaken by the ocean’s fanatic waves.  Have you felt overcome by the callous storms of life, yet experienced yourself genuinely calm?  Or are you one of those types who sways uncontrollably on the surface of life and heeds to the motions of storm?  I used to be the latter – a buoy flopping around the tides of my life, but there came a time when I decided to move deeper into myself.

It amazes me that nature teaches us how to be.  We get so wrapped up in what’s occurring outside of our bodies that we often forget that we have the ability to center ourselves within.  We leave ourselves behind and take on the form of outside situations.  If drama stirs up, some of us sway with it and get snagged in the nets – like unsuspecting fish.  Several years ago when I was learning how to live in “the power of now” I discovered this truth about the water beneath the surface being still no matter what.  I decided then that I would learn to tap into my own inner stillness, but how do you do this?  What is the key to steadying yourself in the deeper part of the waters?

The answer to this was written as a story in the Bible.  This story is taught over and over, but sadly it is taken literally.  The disciples were fishing on the sea of Galilee all night long and caught nothing.  In the wee hours of the morning a figure comes to tell them to cast their nets “to the right side of the boat.”  They obey the voice and to their delight, their nets are completely filled with fish.  What does this have to do with the inner stillness, you may ask.  Well, it goes right along with that other story where the same disciples were freaking out in the boat because of a storm while Jesus was sleeping peacefully.  With one motion of his hand and a voice of affirmation, the waters are immediately calmed. 

When there is a situation occurring that seems out of control, we usually tap into our calculating side and try to figure out a way to solve the problem.  Many people are completely locked into this logical side of themselves.  Most jobs are left-brained conditioned.  Public schools condition the left hemispheres of our brain in order to create a working class society.  If you are stronger on the left side of your brain, you are probably not a creative type.  You are rational, analytical and objective about life.  You probably disregard intuition or the idea of a non-physical dimension of reality.  In other words – what you see is what you get… so deal with it.  Anything else (you might say) is delusional.  You like “reality” and you accept reality without faith.  You like facts, you go along with statistics, and you probably buy into the idea that things are a certain way, so it is no use thinking outside of the box.  The left side of our brain is fear based.  The left side of the brain is the dwelling place of the ego (a.k.a. the devil).

Many of us get trapped inside the box.  We are creatures who succumb to our five senses (touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing…), but what about that “feeling” side?  What about the 65% ourselves that is water (a.k.a. emotion)?  What do you think it means to “cast your nets on the right side?”  Do you think this is really about obedience, or fish.. or do you think there is something to the words “the right side?” 

The right hemisphere of the brain is the least conditioned part of ourselves in this left-brained thinking society, yet it has the potential to see beneath the surface of life.  It is the intuitive part of our being.  It is creative.  It sees the whole, rather than the parts.  It is open to interpretation, rather than convinced.  It is subjective and it thinks “outside the box.”  It is ruled by freedom, rather than fear.  It is the dwelling place of the spirit (a.k.a. God).

When I was learning to tap into the stillness of myself, I shifted from my left-brained thinking self, and moved into the right hemisphere of my being.  I began trusting in something I could not see, and feeling my way through life instead of taking things at their face value.  What I discovered is abundance (fish).  Prior to the abundance, there was desolation in my life.  I was empty.  I grew weary and I had nearly given up, until I understood that I had been living on the surface of my life rather than tapping into the deeper part of my being, where life flows, rather than flings me around on it’s unpredictable waves.  We can all do this.  It is up to you.  Everything is a choice.  No matter what goes on in your experience, you have a choice to fish from the left side of yourself where their are limitations, or to move into the abundance of yourself where life is limitless.  To break it down simply, we can take one scripture from the Bible.  In the eloquent words of Christ, “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve.”

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