I Walked Through My Anxiety and There I Met Abundance (A Follow Up on What Lies Beneath Anxiety)

Abundance 2

 For the last few months, I have been faced with a decision to either identify with the anxiety coming up for me during a very heart wrenching breakup, along with not having a place to live when my lease is up at the end of August, or to allow this anxiety to be part of my experience without wrapping myself into it.  The fear has haunted me, but my awareness of it has kept it at bay.  During this time I chose to live my life in peace and harmony regardless of the shitty situation occurring, and honestly I have been quite happy.  There have been some days when I’ve felt defeated, but I looked at those moments as gracious opportunities to surrender to what I have no control over.  For five months I have been in a place where I could have been completely broken and miserable, but I made a conscious decision to walk the talk.  I entered the wilderness of myself and began a dialogue with my anxiety.  “Let’s do this, my troubled friend.  Let’s dance together for the time being, and then I’m going to have to let you go, because you’re taking up way too much of my precious life.  I am so ready to move on from you, but you can hang out for as long as you need to.”

Because the relationship with my former boyfriend is so strained and we live together, I have put my well-being (as well as my daughters) ahead of my desire to stay in the home we live in now throughout the summer.  This meant that I was even more under the gun to find a place to live without any money saved.  This cottage house is taking up most of my paycheck.  I realized that I didn’t want to live in tight-budget mode any longer, but instead of straining myself by getting another job, knowing that it would not be in the best interest for my daughter’s and my own well-being, I put it out in the universe that I either needed a bunch of money dumped on me immediately, or I needed to reduce the amount of money that I was spending each month, but more than anything, we needed a nice roof over our heads in this exact area we live in now because my kid needs to continue going to the same schools.  It wouldn’t be fair to uproot her after so much time and energy has been placed into her getting straight A’s and making new friends.  She has been through enough and I trust that when I ask for what I need, that the universe keeps her in mind as well.  I put a lot of pressure on God in this request to take care of us.  I made very specific requests, and then I went on about my life knowing that I would be provided for – ignoring all the fear and doubt that told me that I was going to need to pack up and move back to my hometown because I was failing.

I attend a Sunday night meeting and have the coffee commitment.  I’m there every week and last week, one of the women whom I’ve made acquaintances with stopped me after the meeting and asked if anything was wrong.  Prior to the meeting I had just been in another argument with the ex and I was feeling very defeated.  I told her about my living situation and mentioned that I need to find a place for my daughter and I to live as soon as possible, but it needs to be cheap because I need to pay off debt and save some money.  Part of my own recovery is to get myself out of debt.  The debt weighs on me heavily and I need to be free from it.  She listened and then we went about our business.  She was very caring and I needed this kind of support at that moment, so I was overcome with gratitude and it was relieving to be able to vent a little bit.  Throughout the week, I have been sending out emails for rentals without placing too much of my energy into it, but trusting that when I move forward, the universe is also working for me. 

Thursday I get a call from the woman at the meeting.  She’s so excited because her boyfriend has just given me a lead.  He is a pool cleaner and has been cleaning this elderly woman’s pool for over 20 years.  She has an apartment above her garage and the tenant has just moved out.  She needs someone there to take care of pulling out the garbage cans each week and to check on her once in a while because she lives alone.  She needed me to call her right away because on Saturday (today) she is leaving for six weeks to go to physical therapy in another town.  The house will be empty and she needs someone to water the flowers every other day.  Of course, it all sounded too good to be true, but I made the phone call.  When I spoke with the woman, something clicked.  It simply felt right, and I went over there to meet her on Friday.  Her family was there.  Her son, her daughter-in-law, two friends – it was a full house and everyone was so welcoming.

“Come on in, let my daughter-in-law show you the apartment and then I’m going to give you the garage door opener and let’s see if this is a good fit.”  I checked out the apartment.  It’s a large and accommodating studio with a deck overlooking a massive backyard and the solar heated pool (which we get to use) near hills with trails and in the best neighborhood of the town we live in.  Everything we need is in the apartment.  It’s furnished, and I don’t have much furniture, so this is a major plus.  There is a kitchenette, a stove, a refrigerator, a walk-in closet, a large bathroom and shower, a washer and dryer and a separate entrance.  I get to park in the garage, unlike now where my poor car gets hit with oak tree branches.  It’s quiet and would make the ideal summer home.  I decide that this is a treasure and I’m not going to pass up the offering.  When I go down to chat with the elderly owner, who is so incredibly kind and genuine, she tells me that the rent is less than what she originally quoted over the phone, which includes all utilities and cable.  The last thing that I am worried about is that I have a cat.  “Oh, yes, the cat is welcome,” she graciously says.  “There is a cat door and an acre of fenced backyard.  He will love to roam around here.  It’s a peaceful place to live and I need someone here for the six weeks that I’m gone, but you are more than welcome to live here however long you want.”  Needless to say, we hit it off.  I was given the wifi-code, the garage door opener and lots of smiles. Her family was kind and gracious.  She didn’t ask for a credit check, an application fee, references or any sort of deposit.  The rent is less than a third of what I pay now!  She went only on her intuition and apparently I made the cut.

Need I say more?  I mean, this is nothing short of some kind of cosmic miracle, right?  The most amazing thing is that I’m not even the least bit shocked.  This is what I asked for.  This is what I trusted would occur, and as I went about my life doing the next right thing, everything was manifesting in the background.  For the next several months, I will get to pay off debt, save money, buy some furniture, and take my two children on vacation.  My daughter and I are safe.  We found a temporary home that meets all of our needs and we don’t have to be in a rush to move again.  It’s all sitting pretty right before our eyes… AND THERE’S A POOL, which I didn’t even ask for, but like I said, my daughter’s needs get met when I am looking out for my well-being.  All of this happened so quickly, and the timing was immaculate. If I had been one beat off, none of this would have occurred.  It’s all just so sweet and loving.  I mean, how loving is the universe?  It’s so loving – it simply waits for us to be open to receiving.  We spend so much time with our head down to the ground, digging our heels in and trying to get somewhere, that we miss out on the magic of life that awaits our awareness of it.  I had no doubt.  I walked through my fear.  I faced my ancient anxiety and there I met abundance!



Face and Overcome Your Challenges, Or Resist Them And Cycle Back – Your Choice

Peace like a river

I write a lot about fear because we all face it and I’ve spent the last several years acknowledging mine.  Facing our fears is the soul’s great journey.  If you don’t think you have fears, it may be because you’ve created a life of comfort in order to avoid facing your fears.  We all do this to some degree because we are not taught about the inner journey of life.  We learn to face our physical fears, like of jumping off a high dive, or asking someone on a date.  Many of us are afraid to speak to large crowds of people, but in random situations we discover ourselves doing just that several times throughout our lives.  But what about the fear of following our greatest desires due to sacrifices we would have to make?  What about the fear of leaving someone whom you love because the relationship simply isn’t enhancing your life any longer?  What about the fears that tell us we are irresponsible if we don’t buy into them?  I have fears that tell me I’m an irresponsible fool if I think of anything other than how bad things truly are.  Those are the gripping, self-defeating fears that eat us alive and deprive us of any joy.  We have been taught that if we think positive during really bad times, that we are being delusional, so we get stuck in the vortex of that self-defeating fear, which brings up a lot of anger, anxiety and holds us back from triumphant experiences. 

The other night I had a recurring dream that I was back in high school.  I had missed several classes and couldn’t recall my locker combo.  Anxiety overcame me as I tried to figure out which class I was supposed attend and when I realized that I was probably going to fail because I hadn’t been attending any classes.  In front of my locker, where I struggled to remember numbers, my friends surrounded me to show me the way to class.  Suddenly I recalled that I had already graduated high school.  “Wait a minute,” I announced to my friends.  “I have already done this.  I’ve already graduated and got my diploma.  What am doing here?  I should be out in the world making something of my life.”  Relief overwhelmed me as I stood up and understood my worth.  I didn’t need to be there.  I was recycling something I had already accomplished.

In my waking life, it is very clear to me what this dream represents.  In a few months from now, I will either have to be making a lot more money, or I will have to move (again) from this beautiful cottage home that I so love living in.  I share the cost of rent with a former boyfriend, but we broke up while we were living here.  I could have remained in the relationship in order to keep myself financially secure, but I can’t live in that kind of lie.  Not anymore.  A few years ago it would have suited me fine, but that kind of fraudulence ends poorly and costs a lot in the self-esteem department.  At this very moment, I have no place to go.  There is nothing available in my price range.  My daughter is thriving in school and I’m doing excellent in my job.  I know we are supposed to be here and I trust that when the time comes, I will be provided for.  I’ve been in this situation before (so many times.  If I told you how many times, you would think I should have jumped off a bridge by now).  From experience, I know that things always work out, but in the past, I’ve resisted the experience with enthusiasm, and spent several months locked in my fear, stressed to the point of physical pain, and miserable during moments when I should have felt quite happy.  I’m not doing that this time.  I’ve been here before.  I’ve seen how it all pans out.  I’m well aware that I will be taken care of and that my back is covered by a loving and supportive universe that knows exactly what I need and when I need it.  I’m walking in the light of knowing that we are going to be ok.  No matter how things turn out, we will have a roof over our heads and it will be even better than what we have going on now.  I trust this because I’ve lived it.  The difference now is that I’m not sinking into my fear of not having a place to live.  I’m living my life to the fullest and loving each moment.  I am not worried, and I don’t have to be, no matter how irresponsible my inner judge tells me I’m being.

We used to sing this song at church… “I’ve got peace like a river… I’ve got love like the ocean…”  It was a rich song.  I still sing it sometimes.  It reminds me that I have a choice each day to either walk in the darkness of my fears, or to wake up and be alive in the light of my knowing that in this very moment, everything is excellent.  The world is not crumbling down around me.  Things up ahead may seem bleak and scary, but right now I have peace like a river, and I am filled with love like the ocean.  I could very well sing the song of my fears and it would sound something like, “I’ve got anxiety like an endless void… I’ve got fear like a murky pond…” but I’m not resisting life anymore.  I’m not afraid to stand up in this very moment and love where I am.  This time around, I’m going to do something different.  I’ve been here before.  I do not have to go through this again.  I’m taking the soul’s path out of the forest of fear into the land of freedom of knowing that everything is going to be alright. In fact, it’s going to be spectacular!