From A-Z Why Recovery is Easier than Addiction

Ultimate Freedom

Acceptance and Awareness

Better perception of reality


Doing what you dig

Experiencing emotions

Freedom from fear

Growth (mental, emotional, spiritual)

Having choices

Intelligent decisions

Just being yourself

Kindness toward yourself and others

Laughing comes easier


No hangovers

Open to life


Quiet mind

Restful instead of restless

Surrendering to what you have no control over

Terrific sleep

Unity with yourself and others

Valuing yourself

World opens up for you

X marks the spot for new beginnings

You (underneath all those layers)

Zeal for life

“Do Not Conform to the World, But Be Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind…” (This is a constant)


We underestimate ourselves, and settle for way less than optimum. From a very young age we are conditioned to think that life is mostly against us, while being ignorantly taught “survival of the fittest,” although this statement was never coined by the late Charles Darwin, who not only studied the theory that life struggles to remain alive, but later confirmed that this was not so. He determined the reason why life continues living, is definitely not because it fights. It’s because it adapts to its environment and goes with the flow. Harmony allows life to thrive on this planet – not competition. It is not the strongest creatures on this planet who thrive here. Those that collaborate with their environment, are the ones who flourish.

Our most idolized scientists of late (including Stephen Hawking who is still profoundly alive), study their own theories so thoroughly, that they prove themselves wrong, and end up opening another one of Pandora’s boxes in nature. It seems that there is no solid, fundamental particle that gives us the true make-up of life, although science has been trying to pin the source of life down for centuries. Even the Higgs Boson field (discovered in July 2012 – a.k.a. “God Particle”) is incredibly subjective and “unstable.” What is being discovered, is that consciousness and human intention plays a significant role in how subatomic particles (like quarks) navigate. It is within a human being’s innate power, to observe and create their own experience by what they focus on during the experience. Over and over, science has proven that human consciousness plays a direct role in how an experiment unfolds. Results of several experiments are subjective, according to whom the observer is during the experiment, and according to what they believe while they are performing the experiment.

We have be un-empowered in this society, believing that we must compete in order to thrive in the world. We must work hard, and struggle if we are going to succeed. (Does “divide and conquer” ring any bells? What a great way to control society, so that individuals don’t realize their true nature). It is a competitive culture we live in, but we all end up in the same boat – “From ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” There are many people who have had it all, just to discover that money and power doesn’t equal joy. If you compete your way through life, there is no end to the competition. There will always be someone richer, better, prettier, etc. If this is your goal, then it is completely unobtainable, and if your goal is to live the “American Dream,” then you are selling yourself incredibly short. That material way of thinking is terribly unfulfilling. Our nature is to create, to evolve, and to thrive. In order to thrive, we must be open to life. If you have a strict opinion or belief about anything, then you are shutting yourself off from the incredible journey of being. Life is subjective, according to the observer. Life moves and unfolds according to how you think. If you are open to great things, then great things will occur for you. If you are shut down and opinionated, then life will be very small, and you will probably discover yourself agitated when things don’t go your way.

People are so busy pointing fingers at what is wrong in this world, fixated on the problems of society, and praying for God to deliver the planet from corruption, that they are too blind to see that their own human power, when focused and directed with total consciousness, has the power akin to the light of the sun. One human being has the power to illuminate the entire world. Some people are so arrogant to think that they have solely been blessed by God with special gifts and powers, but the truth is, we all have consciousness, which means we all have the innate power to change the course of humanity.

Rather than competing to be right, contending to be the best, or fixating on the problems of society, we should focus our energy on healing disease, and breaking down the walls of institutionalized thinking. You cannot place a box around life and expect it to flourish. God does not reside inside of a church, and the answers (which are always subjective) are not discovered within the walls of a classroom. You cannot pinpoint the truth, because it is always flowing and moving and changing according to the observer. God is not one thing, or several. God is, which means that you can’t grab God and label God and identify God’s source. It will never happen.

Your own consciousness defines and determines your experience of life. You can either package your life up into an ideal, or allow it to flow, evolve and thrive. You can focus your energy on a standard way of living, or open yourself up to a spectacular way of being. There are no limits to what can occur when you are open. You completely limit yourself when you are convinced about anything. Life is incredibly subjective. We have the power to move mountains, so why are so we fixated on mediocrity? Soon we will understand how ignorant we have been all along, now that science is realizing that consciousness is the very fabric of our existence.

How you think, and what you believe, determines the result of your life experience. If you want greater things, then it is up to you to be open to those greater things. It is not going to appear out of the sky in the blink of an eye from someone outside of yourself. You are determining your life experience right now. The more love you give, the more you will receive. The more support you give, the more you will receive. The more compassion you give, the more you will receive. I had a big wake-up call the other day when two people told me that I was responsible for my own success. My success is subjective to how I think about myself, not how society thinks about me. If I think it is subject to how society thinks of me, then I am completely stifling myself from my full potential. If we have the power to move subatomic particles on a fundamental level, then imagine our power on a universal scale.

We underestimate ourselves because this is what we have been conditioned to do in our society. The people in the world who are of greatest influence, are those that do not subject themselves to one way of thinking, but open themselves up to possibilities beyond measure. This can be you, but it is clearly up to you to get out of the box and flourish. How boring we have become in America. We are creatures of habit, and parrots of our predecessors, rather than realizing our own dynamic potential. Why so much addiction and mental illness? Because we are completely going against nature, and it is driving us mad. There is so much more to life, but we have cultivated a society of limitations, laws, with an institutionalized way of thinking. What for? I don’t exactly know, but I certainly don’t want any part of it. I am not afraid to walk against the crowd if it means that I get to discover something beyond that which I’ve been taught. I don’t want to be told – I long to discover. I want the magic, not the material.

There is magic to behold. It is up to each person to realize their full potential. If you are tired of your life, then change your thinking around it. Do something different. Be open to a subjective existence rather than being stuck in the familiarity of your conditioning. All those beautiful stories in the Bible are illustrations of the human potential, yet we’ve ignorantly condensed them into a religious belief system. Even the interpretation of such texts is incredibly subjective. Don’t you see? It is through your vision that the world expands. It is your belief that determines your reality. The only limitations are our own.

If technology is synthetic of nature (and I propose it is), then as you can see, there are no limitations to what will evolve out of technology. Likewise nature is non-absolute. It is subject to interpretation and open to our imaginations. There is so much more to this existence merely than having a career, reproducing, retiring and dying. Don’t you agree? So if you’re bored like I was, in this institutionalized society, then might I suggest that you go a little bit deeper? Learn about who you truly are on a conscious level, and do experiments with intention. Practice giving yourself what you are looking for outside of yourself. Go the distance in your lifetime. If you are straight, gay, transsexual, Muslim, Christian, disabled, female, male, an addict in recovery, or simply feeling lost because you don’t know who you are, then you are clearly a human being with a brilliant mind who has the ability to move mountains, simply by directing your mind to greater awareness. Your differences are more about how you think, than they are about how you label yourself.

“Be not conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” (Romans 12:2)  This is a empowering scripture. We can transform anything by simply changing our thinking, and we should continually be changing our thinking if we want to be constantly renewed.

Embracing Your Quirks Along with Your Qualities

We all have sides to ourselves that we don’t like.  I don’t want to know or admit that I can be moody, or argumentative.  I want to believe that I am incredibly balanced, super zen, and supremely centered.  The truth is, I can be those things, but I also deal with bouts of anxiety followed by terrible panic attacks.  I grow restless sometimes.  I get irritable.  I still have moments where anger comes up for me, and there is a dark side of myself that doesn’t rear its head often, but it’s undoubtedly there.  I’m human, you know?  And we all are, so rather than trying to rid ourselves of the parts of ourselves that we don’t exactly like, or trying to pretend that we are all that, we should be willing to accept our quirks and learn how to look at them without judgment.

Without judgment?  Yes, without judgment.  There are so many parts of myself that I wish I could change, and I’m constantly working on myself, but I still mess up in life and say the wrong things to people, or get trapped in gossip sessions.  I am not consistently serene.   Every day has its challenges – and people, places and things often pull me in ways and bring out dark parts of myself that I didn’t even know still existed.  I surprise myself at how balanced I can be in certain settings, and also how unglued I can become in other situations, but there is no need for alarm.  If we begin accepting the stuff we don’t like about ourselves, we learn to laugh, rather than scorn ourselves for those things.  Laughter can alleviate the negativity, and it will transform a heavy situation into something more palatable.  Life is life.  It’s difficult.  On top of all of life’s unpredictable nuances, we have moods and stresses that push and prod us, often without our permission.  It’s ok that we are quirky and moody and sometimes unfiltered.  I think the best thing we can do is be self-aware and when we feel like we’ve made a mistake, or when we overstep our boundaries, we simply need to take a step back, re-evaluate and take responsibility.

I think the most difficult situations are when we screw up and we take responsibility, yet another person is affected and does not accept our apology.  When someone else judges us for our quirks, or for our mistakes, it makes it difficult not to judge ourselves, but we still need to learn to let go of what other people are harboring about us.  Most of us are doing our best, and sometimes we are caught off-guard in life.  If this affects someone else and you’ve said your apologies to no avail, then the only thing you can do is let go and move on, and allow that person to have their experience, or to cut you off if that’s what they choose to do.  Beating yourself up never does anyone any good.  Life is way too short to spin out about things you cannot change.  Take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, trust that you are unconditionally loved and always being guided.  Let go.  It’s ok.  Life goes on and you’re allowed to make mistakes here.  Earth is a playground of learning experiences.

I read this cute thing online the other day that some people call taking one step forward and two steps back, a “setback,” while some of us call that a “cha-cha.”  I really liked that.  It’s true.  As a recovering alcoholic, I have overcome challenges that I thought I would never overcome in this lifetime, but once in a while that old addict returns out of nowhere and wreaks havoc within me.  I cannot help this.  It’s just part of who I am as a person in recovery.  I am certain that I will deal with this for the remainder of my life, and when it comes up, I have to sit with it and talk about it and stare it in the face, but I can no longer judge it, because it is part of my own humanness.  The one thing I know is that I have beat it before.  I have moved through the cravings and the restlessness and the negative thoughts with flying colors, so when these things arise, I know there is light on the other side.  I don’t hate myself because of my challenges.  I learn to cha-cha with them without resistance.  It’s a fun little dance, you see?  It’s good when these things come up for me because it’s a reminder that I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.  I certainly do not want to go backward, but I am in no way, shape or form at a point of arrival.  We just keep moving forward and picking ourselves up when we fall, and laughing at ourselves for being so human.  Life is not asking you to be perfect.  It’s simply asking for your participation.

Don’t dwell on the negative stuff about yourself.  Just let it be there and observe it, and know that it’s something you can work on, but don’t ever buy into an idea that you’re less-than or not worthy.  Have compassion for yourself and move forward, regardless of how other people judge you.  We all here doing this thing called life, which is not in the least bit easy.  The challenges are set before us for our personal growth.  It doesn’t matter what other people think.  What matters is that you continue moving forward and taking responsibility and trying.  Don’t ever give up on yourself.  Surround yourself with people who care about you, and let go of those that don’t.  You will never please everyone, and not everyone is going to accept you.  The most important thing is that you accept yourself in all of your variations.  Keep the cha-cha in mind, and embrace all that you are.  If you can laugh at yourself, no one else will have power over you.

The Point of Being One in the Midst of Seven Billion Others on a Very Small Planet

Universe in your hands

I had a serious moment of clarity last weekend.  Not one with white lights and angels singing or anything.  It was simple, and it about knocked me out of my boots, which were wet from the rain and needed to be removed anyway.  The thought has only crossed my mind once before while I was watching that movie, ‘Adaptation’ a couple of years ago.  It was this powerful scene where Nicolas Cage and Nicolas Cage were talking.  He played the role of twins.  While one of the twins was dying (the less egotistical one), his brother reminded him about this girl whom he loved in high school who didn’t love him in return, and he was questioning his brother as to why he would love someone who pretty much made fun of him behind his back.  His brother was very clear about the whole thing and explained that it was “his love.”  The love belonged to him, and it didn’t matter if she didn’t love him back because it was his own experience.  That love was his, you see.

I was incredibly moved by that scene.  I mean, it really tore me up inside because it is such a beautiful thing to realize that love is not something you need returned.  It is simply something you experience and give, and stand in awe of, because it’s so much greater than you, and it is eternal.  To expect something in return for your love is cutting off the flow of the love.  It takes away from the full experience.

But this post today is not really about love.  It’s about life and how you can easily cut off the experience of it if you expect something outside of the moment to return a favor.  I do this a lot, and it hit me that this experience of life is exactly what it’s all about.  I can go on for years desiring all kinds of things that I don’t have right now, and expecting, rather than just standing in awe of this whole incredible experience, but it’s more than simply being present.  It’s understanding that the whole point of being here is simply to enjoy it. There’s nothing more to it, which makes it so worthwhile.

Let me explain it this way.  I have always felt a fire under my ass each morning when I wake up, to accomplish something, or to be somebody in the world, which is a horrible standard to live by and I’ll tell you why.  Because if I’m not accomplishing something, or being somebody, then I feel like my life is worth nothing.  That’s incredibly depressing.  To be one of seven billion people on a planet that is smaller than a molecule in the whole grand scheme of the universe, is depressing enough, so I’ve asked myself for most of my life what the point is, and I’ve gone out of my way to figure out what the point is.  I’ve even gone so far and been so arrogant as to think that I’ve got a purpose for being here.  And sure – I guess if you want to break it down to having a purpose, then we all can say that we have been given certain gifts or talents to enhance the whole experience, but still, in the grand scheme of the universe, who really cares?  Who cares if I’m a Queen or if I am a beggar for the small amount of time that I am here?  In the grand scheme of the universe, neither of those things matter at all.  It is only in man’s egotistical mind that those things matter, so again – what is the point? That’s where my moment of clarity hit me.  The point is to simply take it all in while I am here.

I am this person who is having this whole life experience that no one else on this planet is having, and so are you.  You are having a whole life experience that NO ONE ELSE on this planet out of seven billion people, is having.  Wow.  Just think about that for a moment.  Now what are you going to do with that?  The best thing you can do is take it all in.  Really.  Take.  It.  All.  In.  Not just the good stuff, but also the heartache, the pain, the sorrow, the confusion, the anger, the traffic and the brown desk that sits there and taunts you and reminds you that you are stuck in a meaningless job.  FEEL that, and know that you right here, right now are the only one having this exact experience.  And then revel in that knowing, because that my friend, is the point.

The point is to feel it all.  To take it all in while you’re here.  To be like, WOW, this is me having this whole experience that no one else in the entire universe is having.  That’s HUGE.  It’s incredibly beautiful, and I don’t know about you, but for the first time ever – it’s enough for me.  It’s plenty.  I’m like – FINALLY!  That’s what it’s all about, and I’m done pining for things I don’t have because, dude, this right here is flippen fantastic.  Me in this body, that I am always wanting to change, and me with this skin that is growing older, and me with these people that I’ve been given (called my children), are no one else’s experience but mine, and that makes me feel incredibly unique and special and worth something.  I’m not just one of seven billion people on a planet that is smaller than a molecule in the whole scheme of the universe.  I’m the sum total of all my experiences while I’m here, and I’m going to take it all in while I’m here, because that’s enough.  It’s plenty.  It’s all I ever needed to know, really.  Now I can finally stop questioning everything, and begin living this beautiful life that belongs to me. Because it’s all mine and there is so much to take in. Wow.

Thanking the People in Your Life Who Have “Done You Wrong”

Cover for In Lieu of a Dragon Tale

Abuse comes in all forms, from emotional to physical, and the abuse is passed down from one person to the next.  It is extremely unlikely that an abuser has been nurtured in a balanced and healthy environment.  Most people who are mentally and emotionally abusive are unaware of their control issues, nor do they have any sort of self-esteem because of what has been inflicted upon them and taken away from them, usually in childhood.  We know this when we deal with abusive people in our lives, but how often do we find compassion for them?  It is so much easier to take the stance of a victim and to blame that person for most or some of our “issues.”  I am writing this today because I was walking with a friend yesterday who was terribly neglected by her adopted mother, and even after the mother has passed away, my friend is still harboring a lot of anger from her childhood.

I asked my friend this question:  “Although your mom was abusive, neglectful and caused you pain, what positive influence did she have on your life?  I mean, when people push us to the point of misery, and cause us to want to rebel, often we go to the extremes to prove them wrong in some way, shape, or form.  Their behavior toward us has a direct influence on some of our biggest life decisions.  How did your abusive mother push you in your life, which proved positive?”

My friend considered this for a moment and then relayed to me that she would have never left home as early as she had, and taken several opportunities to travel the world if it weren’t for her mom driving her to the point of practically running out the front door.  My friend has been all over the planet because she refused to remain home in that abusive relationship with her mother.  She has literally seen most everything there is to see out there, in all of her childhood fury.  She went out and found her place in the world because she had no place with her own mom.  How empowering that relationship truly was for my friend.

In my own life, I have recognized other people’s “bad or weird” behaviors as an opportunity to look at my own self and see how I can change (clean up my side of the street) in order to navigate in a balanced way with those people.  Other people enter our lives to show us something about ourselves.  We think that life is incredibly random, but if nature shows us anything, it proves that it is clearly balanced, and it is constantly rebalancing, healing, growing, providing, etc.  When we are physically hurt, our body immediately sends signals to our brain to rush in extra blood so that it can begin the healing process.  It is no different in our emotional, spiritual and mental experiences of life.  The universe always provides people, places and things to offer healing, balance and growth.  If we recognize these people, places and things when they arrive, we will discover that life is not random.  It is incredibly connected and unbiased.

Everyone experiences pain, and everyone is provided opportunities for healing, balance and growth.  It is up to the individual to recognize their role in the ecosystem of their relationships.  If someone is causing you pain, another something or someone will be provided for healing.  Life is certainly not random.  If we are to become conscious of ourselves, we must also recognize what role other people play in our spiritual, emotional and mental development.  Everyone plays a role in our lives, including those who are completely clueless to themselves and how they behave.

If I have learned anything this year, it is that no matter how awful other people’s behaviors are, there is something I can change about myself in order to find serenity in that relationship.  I can find a balance within myself through their reflection of whatever pisses me off or annoys me.  Rather than trying to control them (because I can’t), I take control of my responses, and there I discover that I am way more in control than I previously thought.  When we begin searching for balance within ourselves, we discover how incredibly powerful we are as human beings, and how life is constantly offering us opportunities to heal, balance and grow.  When I heal, rebalance and grow because of those other people’s influences in my life, it is easy to take a step back from my ego and silently thank them for the significant role they played, without them even knowing it.  There is so much to this life experience that we miss if we are not aware of our soul journey while we are in this human form.

I spend most of my free time writing, and this is how I rebalance, and figure stuff out about myself.  I don’t know what else I am supposed to be doing with my life other than raising my two children and writing, so that’s what I’m doing.  I have recently published a book called ‘In Lieu of a Dragon Tale – A Modern Day Fable for the Young at Heart.’  It is about a girl and her unexpected relationship with a dragon.  The dragon represents wisdom and the girl is having a difficult time navigating through her life with this giant beast in a society that does not accept dragons.  The story wrote itself and surprised me in each unfolding chapter.  The ending was especially unexpected.  I’ve loaded it on Kindle for 0.99 and it is also available in paperback.

If you have suffered in your addiction, or if you are trying to make sense out of the chaos,  this story is extremely relatable, as the girl eventually descends into the darkest of places in order to separate herself from the dragon, until she has a powerful moment of clarity.  I am very excited about this book and am asking for some reviews on Amazon.  Here is the link if you are interested:

Another Way to Look at Birds and Bees (Just BEEEEEE)

birds and bees

My mother had an experience where she was learning about being present.  When we are just learning about being present, the last thing we are doing is being present because we’re trying to “figure out” how to be present, which goes against the whole concept.  On one of her walks along a levee, she finally asked aloud, “What does it mean to just BE?”  She was serious when she asked this question.  Her answer came immediately in the physical form of a large bumble bee that entered right into her space.  Buzz buzz buzz.  My mom got the cosmic joke and pretty much went into hysterics.  What a sense of humor God has!  Coincidence?  I think not.  She asked for “be” and she got “bee.”  It was a sweet (pun intended) lesson to her about being able to laugh and enjoy the moment.

When I was learning about being present, I was trying to figure it out too.  For someone like me who lives inside their head observing and analyzing everything and everyone, being present was a difficult endeavor – nearly impossible for me.  I can honestly say it took me about three years of practice.  That’s a really long time, but one of the things that helped me was the birds.  I was sitting on my front porch bench thinking about being present (oxymoron) and suddenly a bird chirped very loudly.  It woke me up out of my thoughts and there I was, suddenly present to the moment.  Chirp chirp chirp.  The bird was out of sight, but I was aware.  For once I was aware of the surrounding world right now.  I got a revelation that perhaps the bird’s chirp was divinely designed to wake humans up to the moment.  Each time I heard a chirp thereafter it was a reminder for me to get out of my head (which is pretty much like telling a two year old to stop picking their nose – they just can’t help it).

It’s been about seven years and my world is entirely calm now.  Being present is no longer difficult for me because it saved my life.  It is a place of healing.  It is a place where I am the organic, genuine me.  When I am present, I am not planning ahead about which mask I’m going to wear, or what I’m going to say ahead of time.  There is power in being present because it’s where all of me is in one place.  I am not split up in my head between the margins of yesterday and tomorrow.  I’m not on the battleground of my mind.  I’m just here.  When my words come out now, sometimes they are quite intuitive.  I shock myself with the insight that flows when I am present.  When I am present, I can write from a genuine place.  I’m not trying too hard when I am present.

Being present also means letting things go right away.  It means that if I make a mistake, I can stand in awareness of that mistake, and then be present in the next moment where that mistake does not exist.  It’s immediate forgiveness and being in a constant state of healing.  If I am having an emotional moment (no matter what the emotion is), I can acknowledge the emotion and allow to be there with me.  When I am present, I feel the emotion in its entirety.  I don’t judge it or resist it.  I just give it space, and quickly, it moves through me.  There is no lingering when I am present.  Compassion flourishes in the state of being present.  When you are present, there is no resistance, judgment, worry, stress, apprehension or pretention.  You are in a constant state of acceptance of what is, no matter what is.  If the what is brings up raw emotion, you are present with that emotion.  The emotion will pass and there you will find yourself again blossoming in your magnificent awareness of both yourself and the immediate world.

I used to get a little weepy thinking about not holding onto people, places and things that made me happy, but as I’ve been letting go more in my life, each moment that I am completely present (no matter what I’m doing) is enough to fill any void of loss about whatever it is that I’m letting go.  When I am completely present, nothing I’m doing is draining, or that awful either, because being present means not dreading it.  It means just being. 

Being present does not mean that you cannot use your imagination.  We need creativity in our lives in order to invite experiences and things into fruition.  I make space during certain times of day (early morning and late at night) to visualize and make an intention for what I desire in my life.  Many people use dawn and dusk for prayer or mediation.  Prayer to me is being present and it is more of a state of being rather than a thing that we do.   Meditation is something I can do pretty much anywhere.  Being present is also a constant state of mediation.

I used to get wound up about what was up and coming, and what I had to plan for a month ahead of time.  I would get twisted about Christmas – in February.  I thought everything had to be done right this second, but I guess after sitting in a treatment facility for six months and not attending to much of anything outside that facility, I realized that things either work themselves out, or they don’t much matter.  Not as much as we think they do anyway.  If something comes up now, I deal with it when it comes up.  I don’t thrash and spin over the things I have no control over and I don’t get anxious about the future.  Worry never helped me or made things any easier.  On the contrary.  Worry is a life-suck, so I’ve learned to just deal with things as they arise, rather than giving power to them ahead of time.  I know we have to plan things in life.  Of course.  But when I am present during the planning, the planning is much simpler and less of a burden.

Being present is the easier, softer way (if that’s something you’re looking for in your life).  It’s the answer to just about everything.  Many times my daughter will bring up things she’s worried about and I’ll say to her, “Is that happening RIGHT NOW?”  No it never is, and she gets it.  She immediately calms down and usually discovers a smile in the midst of the temporary anxiety.  The only thing that is happening right now is usually nothing.  That’s the truth.  Big things happen in our head more than they do in real life.  Of course, I’ve learned to be so present that even my job and home reflects a very peaceful environment.  That wasn’t always the case.  Like I said, it took several years of practice, but the result is that the world around me reflects my state of being.  The world around me is pretty much calm.  If yours is not, then keep practicing being present in the midst of the chaos.  If you can’t seem to find yourself centered, call aloud for assistance.  Ask for help.  Tell the birds and the bees to remind you about their sweet way of bee-ing! 

This book helped me:

Here is my story:

Let’s Talk About Self-Worth… (Because You’re WORTH It!)


Mantra for today:  My bad behaviors do not make me a bad person.  I am innately good.  What people think of me, does not determine my value.  I am valuable.  What others feel about me does not make me who I am.  I am a diamond in the rough.  I am not perfect.  I know this about myself, but I am growing each day and no one can take away the joy that I discover along my own path.  My past can no longer haunt me because it does not exist.  It is a phantom.  I am allowed to make good choices from here on out, and I will, but if I mess up, I will quickly acknowledge it, dust myself off, and move forward.  Last but not least… my Higher Power only recognizes my soul, which is pure loving energy.  My Higher Power does not judge the human being part of me that is imperfect; therefore, I am no longer judging myself because it is extremely harmful to me.  I deserve love and I shall learn to love myself through the eyes of my Higher Power.

Ten years ago I got a DUI with my baby girl in the car, and was whisked away to jail while she was delivered into foster care. I thought I would die of shame.  If I hated myself before the occurrence (which I did), I thought I deserved to rot in hell afterward.  The guilt, fear and low self-esteem that followed my tragic DUI was enough to make anyone want to head for a bridge, and the bridges were plenty in the Bay Area here. But I didn’t jump (duh).  I made a decision to get through it after my stepdad compassionately told me (behind a thick piece of government glass) that “this too shall pass,” and also because my grandparents still loved me regardless of the incident.  If they loved me, then I must have been worth something, so I weathered the storm and it began with me taking some time to sit alone with myself.  My chastising mind was hateful toward me.  It told me that I was stupid, and that I was nothing more than a drunk.  It told me that I didn’t deserve to be a mom, and that I was a failure of catastrophic proportions.  It told me that I would never overcome this obstacle, and that the world was disgusted by me.  It told me that I was scarred for life, and that no one would ever see me as anything but a fuck up.  I was a fuck up.  Period.

But… NO!  I wasn’t.  I knew this about myself.  There was something more to me; something deeper, something better than my behavior, and this was my opportunity to discover what it was that I always denied in myself.  I somehow saw the light, and knew that my DUI was a direct intervention from my Higher Power; not the end of me.  I was lucky that no one was killed that day, but even if they had been, I would still have to either face my wreckage or fail the remainder of my life by sinking into the depths of self-hatred.  I chose to face the wreckage. 

It began by me walking into my bathroom several times a day and looking at myself directly in the eyes.  The eyes are the window to the soul (they say), therefore, I was going to have a little conversation with the quintessential “me.”  I was going to reunite with myself with positive affirmations until I believed them.  I knew my thoughts were full of shit.  I was on a mission to change the way I thought about myself, and then perhaps my behaviors would follow.

“I LOVE…,” I tried to tell myself in the mirror, but the words were stifled by my own disbelief, so I walked away overcome by uncontrollable tears. 

The next day… deep breath… “I LOVE… Y….”  Tears welling.  I can’t face myself today, but maybe tomorrow.

The following day…. deeper breath… “I LOVE Y..OU!”  My body is overcome with both sadness and joy.  I can finally say it.  I look in the mirror again… “I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU.”  I smile, and then I take a break because this moment is incredibly overwhelming.

Lets fast forward to ten years later here, where I’ve been sober for three years and life is pretty damn amazing… I wake up at 5:30 excited to begin my day. I go straight to the mirror without hesitation.  I look into my beautiful amber eyes and I can’t stop smiling.  I don’t even notice the puffiness of my eyes, the caked mascara, or my messed up hair.  I see past all this now because it isn’t who I am.  Who I am is so much greater than my reflection.  “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, JENNIFER!  You are beautiful.  You are great.  Now get out there and have yourself a terrific day!”

If I were to base my self-worth on my behaviors, I would be buried under a mountain of garbage with no light in sight and no air to breathe.  Why would I do this to myself?  Whenever someone tells me that they are “bad,” they are making a very relevant statement that they see no good in themselves.  Some of us believe that we are forever ruined. This is such a lie we tell ourselves.  You weren’t born with a dark soul. We all are essentially good.  This doesn’t disappear when we make bad choices.  It simply gets forgotten and eventually disregarded if we continue down the dark path, but at any given time in your life, you can return to the goodness that is innately you.  You don’t have to continue self-sabotaging or being destructive.  It’s a matter of looking in the mirror and recognizing something greater in yourself than what you’ve been reflecting in your life.  No one is genuinely “bad.” And you know what else doesn’t make you who you are? Your job, your weight, your height, your sexual preference, your political view, your looks, your smarts or disabilities, how much money you have, what sports you play, who your partner is or isn’t, your lack of hair, or your defects of character…etc. These things may be what people judge you by, but they are absolutely not who you are.

Once you begin the path of recovery (self-love), the people in your life who despise you right now, will either fall off the map because they won’t matter to you, or they will forgive you.  Either way they go, does not reflect who you are.  You are the only one who can love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.  If you can’t love yourself, don’t expect it from others. 

One last thing… For the longest time, I hated my own voice.  I loved singing, but whenever I heard myself sing, I was gravely disappointed with the sound coming out.  I cringed every time I heard my voice, but one day (many years later when I finally liked myself) on a bus (I don’t recall where or when), I began humming.  I hummed a little louder when I realized that I was humming, and then I listened carefully to the sound of my own voice.  Suddenly I realized that I have always had this voice, from the time I was born until now.  It dawned on me that this voice was the only voice that was going to be with me for the remainder of my life, and that I would die with this voice.  It was not an ugly voice.  It did not annoy me any longer.  It was actually a soothing voice, because it was familiar (like home). It was a sacred voice.  It came from inside of me, and I was ME.  So how could this voice of mine disgust me?  It was beautiful, and I accepted it.  I accepted my voice and it made me realize that I was beginning to love myself.  And you know what?  This love I have for myself is greater than any kind of love that would come from another human being.  I don’t only love myself… I freaking adore myself.  I think I’m the SHIT.  Not in an egotistical manner, but in the way that a mother looks at her child’s face and sees perfection.  That’s how I love myself today.

You are just as amazing as I am, but I can only lead you to the water here.  The rest is up to you.

What if Anxiety is an Asset in Disguise?


A very common trait of an alcoholic/addict is anxiety disorder.  How many of us began using drugs or alcohol because it relieved us of social anxiety?  How many of us who are sober now, experience anxiety, but live with the discomfort instead of abolishing it with a substance?  Although I no longer have full blown panic attacks, I often find myself very nervous and trapped in my own anxious thoughts.  I recognize this when it happens, but so far, this is as far as I’ve gotten with it.  I refuse to take any anti-depressants or meds for the anxiety.  Instead I try to get as much exercise as possible, and I also take deeper breaths throughout the day.

People love to label every little emotional nuance as a disorder, and the first thing doctors want to do with disorders, is medicate them.  I am quite aware of my anxiety issues, and I realize that I stress out more than I probably should.  But overall, I’ve managed to live a really stable life (minus a relationship that didn’t work out for various reasons), and I don’t beat myself up for not being a perfect human being.

I grew up around nervous people, and it seems like the generations before me were constant worriers.  I’m pretty certain that mothers and grandmothers back then, were raised to think that if you didn’t worry, you weren’t a good parent.  I did not take on this trait, per say, but I’m one of those people who cannot smoke weed without sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb.  As an adult, it gave me paranoia to the point of being debilitated.  I don’t even know why I used to smoke that stuff. It just goes to show how much of an addict I truly am.  Apparently anxiety runs on my dad’s side of the family as well, but this information doesn’t really help me.  What does help me is deep breathing, and being aware of my thoughts so that I can manage them.

This weekend I went to my cousin’s wedding in Tahoe and discovered myself pulling a napkin apart under a table.  Most of the night I didn’t know what to do with my hands, and I pretty much sat in the same chair the whole time, except for when I was dancing or playing video games with my children.  I recognized my anxiety, but I didn’t get mad at myself for having it.  I didn’t sit there and judge myself for it.  Instead I just allowed it to be there with me and got curious as to why I was feeling that way.  The good news was, even with all the anxiety, I wasn’t tempted to drink.  The booze was flowing and I found myself a comfortable spot playing cards with my son.  Years ago, I would have gripped onto the wine like it was my knight in shining armor, but I am way past this now.  I can live with the anxiety.  It’s not debilitating, and it certainly isn’t eternal.  That weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a long time.  Most of it was serene and lovely.  My anxiety was sporadic and random.  The fact that I had no desire to drink was incredibly relieving, however.  It’s nice to be able to trust myself now.

I know a lot of people who are anxious in crowds.  It doesn’t just occur with addicts.  Personally, I’m very sensitive to my environment, and a lot of people in one place means there are a lot of different energies moving about.  I feel this stuff.  I lived in Berkeley for over two years and knew that I couldn’t stay because of the way I experienced the energy bouncing around there.  I moved to a quieter town surrounded by nature.  I think of my anxiety as me being extremely sensitive.  I have not learned to balance this sensitivity out yet.  It’s something I’m still exploring in myself, which is why I don’t want to medicate it.  If I can learn to tap into my intuition a lot more, I trust that I will learn how to harmonize these strange bouts of anxiety I have.  It will one day be an asset, but at the moment, I’m still a bit frazzled because of it.  Instead of trying to rid myself of the anxiety, I attribute it to being spiritually imbalanced, and I’m willing to discover a natural balance in myself rather than shove meds down my throat.  There is a reason I am this way, and I refuse to label myself for it.  As an artist, I’ve learned that these “imbalances” invoke a lot of creativity.  Most of the good writers were alcoholics. I think we are simply more sensitive to our environment, and we either learn to dance within our limitations, or we self-destruct.

I suggest getting curious about any anxiety you experience.  Take an interest in yourself, and mediate on it.  Be aware of what comes up for you and when it occurs.  Don’t beat yourself up for anything you feel, or label yourself for emotional imbalances.  Take your time and let them be with you while you watch them.  We live in a society that numbs itself out, but what if your anxiety was a great asset in disguise?  Anxiety has to do with fear, so once you bring light to this fear, there must be something significant underneath.  It could be that this imbalance needs to be honed in on, and directed in a dynamic way.  It’s just like the little kids who get treated for ADD, and they are simply bored with their environment.  We are not living in a natural state of being.  Humanity is institutionalized.  This is unnatural, and it is no surprise that we have so many “disorders.”  I doubt the Native Americans who lived in harmony with nature, had bi-polar disorder, or ADD.

Have compassion for yourself today, and don’t judge yourself for your anxiety.  Look at your lifestyle.  Be aware of your surroundings (is it unnatural?), and take charge of what you eat (is it full of chemicals?).  Breathe deeper, and become interested in yourself.  If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety, this is a good time to go on an internal exploration.  I’ll do the same, and I’ll let you know what I discovered upon my return! Ask for guidance and then go forth and be guided!