Over the course of a couple of years, I keep running into parallel situations where I am confronted with circumstances beyond my capability for immediate resolve. The circumstances are stressful beyond measure. Two times, I could barely get out of bed because of the weight I harbored, but I reached out to my friends or family each time, who helped me find the strength to trust in the outcome. What am I asking for in my life? I have to reflect on this, knowing these situations are created by an inner desire for something. I am of the understanding that I am the creator of my own life experiences. The answer is that I want to move past some of my old ways of thinking, especially about money. For years, I have “never had enough,” and in each of these situations, I’ve been stretched and pulled and contorted into a place where I’ve finally had to let go and trust that there would be enough, and there always has been more than enough in each of these situations, although in the moment, I would have never guessed that I would be even better than ever, if I merely looked past what was right in front of me, and how I felt at the time. The one thing I did not do was go down a dark path of thinking. I acknowledged my fears, but did not get caught in their trap, and I know now, that this is key in overcoming the most difficult situations.
I find myself almost laughing today because here I sit with another circumstance that has me mentally contorted. My roommate is basically bailing on her responsibility for the remainder of our lease. We have seven more months on our lease and rent where I live is not cheap, which is why I got a roommate in the first place. I can’t exactly get another roommate because of the way our apartment is set up. It would have to be with a close friend or family member because of the space. My roommate was like family, so it worked out okay, but I cannot replace her, nor do I really want to at this point. My children and I need our own space, and none of my family lives near here, so it’s not like I can offer anyone close to me a place to live. I’m on my own now. Suddenly. Just got an income increase two weeks ago, and a week later, my roommate tells me she can’t pay the rent. Kind of ironic, and yes it’s a blessing about the income increase, but how incredibly scary and frustrating. I was going to buy a laptop with that extra money so that I could work from home. Now I’m spending that extra money (and some) to pay the rent. So much for the laptop… (but, wait)…
Yesterday I was riding with the Realtor I work with as his Transaction Coordinator. We were going to look at a historic house that is going on the market with the two other Realtors I work with, as their Transaction Coordinator. During the drive, he asked how I was holding up with the “roommate situation.” I told him that I was bummed because I needed to buy a laptop with the extra money, so that I could work from home. He knew that I was looking at laptops just a week prior. The device that I was using was a tablet, and it was quirky with some of the online systems we use, so it was taking me several hours to do what would normally take a half hour on a PC. We were on the way to his house to grab some signs. He just bought a device like mine, but newer, so he mentioned that he had a laptop just sitting around collecting dust. He grabbed it when he got to his house, bag and all, and plopped it on my lap. “Here you go. All you need to do is erase all my crap. It’s a good laptop.” I opened the HP and was surprised to see that it was in great condition. I’m using it now and it’s faster than my device, plus much more convenient. It is everything I need to work from home, and it has all the bells and whistles that my device doesn’t have. Sure, I would love to have a brand new system, but I didn’t have to pay a dime and I got something handed to me faster than I could have done research on what to purchase. This is how life unfolds for me. What I need is provided. When I ask, I receive. When I let go, things fall right into place.
I don’t exactly know how I’m going to manage the next few months without feeling overwhelmed, but from experience, I know that it will all work out. My roommate situation wasn’t exactly convenient like I had hoped anyway. There were several issues, and I wasn’t happy the way things were, so having her move out is a very positive thing, emotionally. Usually when you remove negativity from your life experience, it makes way for more positive things to come into fruition. I’ve noticed that when I am emotionally tired, or stressed or frustrated, it is difficult to write, but when I am at peace, the writing flows. Other things flow better too, like money, and good relationships with like-minded people.
One of my very close friends got really angry in empathy for me when I explained what was going on with my roommate. I was too drained to take on any anger at the time, nor did I want to sink into my frustration like that. It just takes too much energy, but it also reminded me that I’m no longer caught up in the physical appearance of things like I used to be. I am aware that something greater is unfolding for me and my children. It isn’t apparent yet, and it is scary as hell, but I truly have no control. This is all beyond my capability for immediate resolve. After my friend had his fit of anger (which was really entertaining, btw) he told me something he had told me once before a couple of years ago while I was going through something similar. “The universe won’t let you fall,” he gently said. This was after I mentioned that if I couldn’t make it, I would be okay. It isn’t the end of the world if I have to start from square one again, but he assured me that the universe won’t let me fall because I’m doing everything I can to take care of business and keep a roof over our heads. I knew he was right, so I relaxed into the couch (thank god it’s mine) feeling very grateful for his affirmation.
We all want life to be a certain way and to unfold at a certain time. From tons and tons of experience with sudden changes, my life rarely goes according to how I want it to go, or in my timing, but I have also grown incredibly strong and wise during my journey. I don’t have control over most things, but I certainly have control over myself. I have control over how I think, what my vision is, who I hang around with and how I respond to circumstances. I have control over what is important to me and identifying those things that are not a priority. My journey has been more about me than it has been about the outside world. In the meantime, I’ve grown closer to my children, my friends, and my family, and I have a very good working relationship with the several Realtors I assist. I am so incredibly fortunate to live in the area I live, collaborating with down-to-earth people, and that I have a positive outlook, rather than a negative one.
There is still a lot of work to be done, and I can improve in many areas of my life, but I know that when I focus on that which is beyond the physical and the emotional, the knots in my life work themselves out. If I need help, I ask. If I need a friend to talk to, I reach out. If I need support, I go to a meeting. If I’m overwhelmed to the point of feeling paralyzed, I turn it over to the great HP and focus on being of service to another human being. There is an eternal place with an abundance of grace. This is where I go when the skin meets the pavement in my life. This is the space where I am set free from the burdens of everyday uncontrollable circumstances.