“Life is so weird,” responded one of my coworkers on Tuesday when I told her I was moving onto a full time job after a year and a half of being self-employed and working part-time. “Life IS weird,” I repeated, “but it’s so good!” I’ve spent the last month not worrying about the curve ball apocalypse coming at me. It was one of those times that seriously tested my faith. I was given the opportunity to either think outside of the box, or to cave in. I didn’t cave in because I promised myself a year and a half ago (when I took a huge leap of faith and moved to the opposite side of the San Francisco Bay with my daughter) that I was going to “go for it” while I was here. After two years of being sober, I trusted myself enough to put everything out on the line, and if I failed, I made the decision that I could live with it, because at least I tried. I least I felt something and got passionate about my life, and followed the vision I have for it.
I recall several years ago when I decided to get sober, I spoke to a group of peers and said, “I want to be the best me that there is. I’m going to place all my energy into going after what I want in life.” It occurred to me that I should totally place the persistence I had in my addiction, into something positive. I mean, drinking wasn’t working for me at all, so why not scoot on over to the opposite side of the spectrum and actually create a life worth living? There was no way I was doing sobriety half-assed. That wouldn’t have worked for me at all. I’m an “all-or-none” type of girl. I’m not saying that I don’t waiver, because God knows I do that too, but once I make a decision… the sky’s the limit. This is the opposite side of the spectrum after all.
So the curve balls were approaching. The roommate bailed. My son moved back with his dad after four months of living with us. My daughter began complaining that she also wanted us to move back to my hometown where our family resides. Work was slow for several months. Yet, I’m in a lease until September, she’s got school through May, and I feel connected where we are now, plus she’s getting a really good education and the opportunities are endless here. She’s safe in our town, which wouldn’t be the case in my hometown where there is a lot of crime. “I don’t feel like moving back there would be the right thing to do,” I told her after thinking everything through. She was also feeling like we would be too tight on money now that I was paying the full amount of rent. She was right. I didn’t come here to struggle or to be in constant survival mode, so I had to do something. The urge was hitting me pretty hard. The only thing I could do was surrender (and pray).
“Listen, Universe filled with love and abundance… You know what’s happening right now. It’s too much for me to handle, so I’m going to let you handle it. I’m open to receiving whatever comes my way. If I’m supposed to pack up and go home, then just give it to me straight. I can handle it, and I’m willing to do that, but honestly, I don’t feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. I love it here. I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. I trust that whatever I need will be provided, and that you will give me clarity so that I will know which way to go. You know my needs better than I do, so please take care of us. I do not want to struggle while I’m here. I’m tired of struggling. I’m done with that way of life. I’m ready to rock and roll. Thank you for today and for my wonderful life, and for giving me this opportunity to surrender, and for a new perspective. Give me complete clarity.”
Two days later, a new job opportunity presented itself. I vacillated, because I was just starting some new ventures with my self-employment. Business was slowly picking up. I could have remained where I was and hoped for the best, but then the new job offered more money than expected, and I realized that I could also work my way up there, which wasn’t the case being self-employed. I got advice from a few people, and sat with myself for a day, but it became abundantly clear that I should take the new position. It is much closer to home. I can build a community there, just like I have at the job where I’m at now. In fact, there are tons of more people working in the new office, and there is so much more opportunity for growth. How could I pass it up? I couldn’t. Sure, it’s scary to start a new position in a busier environment, and to walk away from what I have now, but my fear pales in comparison to my faith.
“Life is only getting better. I have everything I need and more. Money is flowing toward me and my life is abundant.” This is the motto I live by. I don’t waiver with this affirmation. It’s been my statement for about a year now, and it’s proven effective. The truth is, I wasn’t getting along with my roommate. We had completely different standards of clean, among other things. My son is happier when he’s closer to the entire family, and I knew this was a temporary move for him. My daughter was merely reflecting a decision I needed to make, and she later came and apologized to me for being doubtful. Work was slow because it was time for me to move on to something more challenging. There are always arrows pointing us in the right direction. The question is, are we aware enough of our vision to notice the arrows pointing us toward our vision? If life is left up to us to simply trot along without direction, most of us would feel like we are lost in a maze. The universe puts things along our path to wake us up to the path. It’s easy to see once you recall the vision you have for your life, even if that vision is merely to remain sober. I had to ask myself, which direction would most likely keep me sober? And the answer was “the path of least resistance.” Surrender and open yourself up to whatever comes your way. Recall the direction you wish to go, and get on board with whatever is presented to you, even if it feels like life is coming against you. Be open to receiving whatever it is you need right now, even if it doesn’t look like it’s what you need right now. When the curve balls come, look around for the bat. TGIF (That’s God Invoking Faith)!