Coming Up Empty


I supposed I’ve always thought abstractly, which made me kind of weird growing up, so to “feel” like everyone else (so I thought), I managed to live on the surface of life by drinking and numbing myself out.  Sensitive to my surroundings and longing to fit in, I needed to ride on the same wave of life that everyone else around me seemed to be riding.  I wanted to be accepted and I yearned to feel connected.  This is something we all desire on some level, but at some point along the way, I realized that my means to fit in was causing me to self-destruct. 

I didn’t understand how some people could skate on the surface of life and make it all work, while I continued screwing up and failing.  It angered me to no avail, so I continued trying to skate along in my life as if I would somehow learn the tricks of the trade.  It never happened for me.  Death taunted me, yet never came to my aid, and I grew weak.  Nothing felt right and deep down inside I knew that I was far away from who I truly was.  I recall screaming aloud, “This is not me.  This is not who I am,” knowing that I was way off course, and finally deciding that my only maneuver left was to seek professional help.  I was lost, scared, confused and still alive.  Although I desperately wanted to die, I must have made some kind of pact with the gods in the spirit world before I entered this life in the template of a raging alcoholic.  I had to overcome my addiction because death was obviously not in the cards for me.  Finally I took action and got the help that I so desperately needed.  Three years later, in retrospect, I understand that my confusion and self-destruction was simply a lack of clarity.  Now that I am standing in the fullness of myself, I don’t mind that my abstract thinking is uncommon.  Instead of rejecting the way I am, I have learned to embrace my differences and channel it into my writing.

I observe people getting snagged in the dramas of life, embellishing in their pains and discomforts, staring blankly at the opportunities to seek a deeper meaning when all is mediocre and bleak.  I wonder how most people wander around in life, seemingly content with the common routine of things, and mundaneness of society.  My own boredom of life has always caused me great havoc, and watching other people’s acceptance of simplicity drove me mad.  It was like I couldn’t find my own current and I spent way too much time exhausting myself by swimming other currents that didn’t even feel right, or observing people being in their comfortable currents.  Where was my current?  And did I have to swim it alone?  So often, this is what it feels like to me, but then I meet someone who comes my way and swims my current for a short time, and then at some point, they distance themselves from me because maybe my current doesn’t feel right to them after all. 

I feel incredibly alone.  Although it’s not loneliness, it’s quite heartbreaking to say the least.  I wish I were at the point of meeting and connecting with people along the same current as me, but so far, it’s not happening.  I wish I felt supported, but I absolutely don’t.  People think they are supporting me, but really what they are doing is standing back and thinking I’ve got this whole gig covered.  Perhaps they are too busy trying to figure out their own path to worry about me on mine.  I don’t know.  I’m being really honest here because when I reach out it feels like there is even more rejection.  What am I not doing right?  I keep asking myself this question.  If I could just give people my eyes to see, perhaps they would embrace me a little bit more.  I have so much to give, but there seems to be no takers.  So I’ve completely opened myself up to receiving.  Perhaps I’m missing something that someone else has to offer.  Other people seem to have things figured out.  Especially that “connecting” thing.  So that’s what I’ve been doing.  I continue this journey, along this bleak current and I trust that I’m on the right path because most of the time, it feels right.  Still, I wonder what I’m doing wrong?

If this doesn’t makes sense, I apologize.  It’s just that I spent most of my life pretending that things were one way, when they were actually quite the opposite.  I have no desire to pretend to be anything different than what I am.  And I wanted to put it out there that I haven’t got this gig figured out at all.  Very much on the contrary.