Ever wonder why you keep running into the same kind of people, or why relationships take on the same form of the ones prior? It’s as if parts of your life are on constant repeat, but you haven’t really considered why. Or perhaps you blame the other people who keep bringing up raw emotion within you. You run. You reject. You project your feelings onto them. You resist experiencing that awful pain and you tell yourself that the other person is the cause of your anger, or your anguish or your terror. I know terror. It’s been my sidekick lately and it’s a little shithead holding me hostage in my own home. This time I can’t really run. It’s constantly being provoked within me and I’m getting the feeling that my own lovely soul wants to finally heal from this wave of emotion. It wants to break free, but I’ve been telling myself that the person doing the provoking is my enemy. I know better. This person is merely a reflection of the poisonous splinter inside of my body that is begging to be extracted. That fear – that anxiety that I always talk about is coming up for a reason. It’s surfacing – a corpse washed to shore trying to tell me its story so that it can finally be laid to rest.
Ugh. I just want to get out of here, but I’m stuck. It must be a really big deal that the universe is sticking it to me in a position that grounds me down with this damn corpse. “On the ground with your hands to the side!” I have no movement where I’m at now. I wish I could ask for a parley (remember parley from that pirate movie with Johnny Depp?)… anyway. Parley – in this case it would mean to negotiate and to request a postponement. “Let this terror come up another place, another time…” but NOPE… I’m not in a position to negotiate. This is what I’ve asked for. I wanted complete healing in my life so that I could take on the world. Whatever I came here in this lifetime to do, I said, “BRING IT ON, GOD…” and then the healing began, but it isn’t what it was back in the church going days. People aren’t laying hands on me and telling the devil to depart. My enemy is simply my fear, and it’s a dragon with a jagged tail, this one. Terror. My awful beast of a sidekick, who wants to meet me face to face so that I can set it free from my prison body and mind.
My life is not in danger in any way. My terror is more of a haunter/bully, but it comes in the form of someone else’s anger toward me. I don’t like people being angry at me. It scares me. It terrifies me. And to avoid their anger, I will sweep shit under rugs, hide in corners from them, avoid confrontation, act like nothing happened so that they don’t find out, and when all else fails I go into a state of batshit crazy mode so that they don’t get control of a conversation and hurt me with their words. I will attack first. (Hear me ROAR!)
So what am I going to do different? The person is always angry. There is like no way around it. This person will find something to bicker about, and if I don’t agree, the rage starts stirring. So I’ve finally figured out that there is no avoiding it. I’m stuck with it and what comes up for me is that terror, which I’ve decided to hang out with from here on out. Instead of fight the other person, I’m going to sit there and take it all in, and I’m going to befriend this dragon. The corpse is trying to tell me something. It’s stinking up to high heaven and the ocean (my body) is tired of carrying it’s weight around. So I will find that place of stillness within myself and begin to let the terror rise in my face, through the likes of that other person. And once I can stand there and experience his anger without feeling anything except for serenity, I will know the dragon has broken free, and I will know that I have finally been set free too.
That repeat relationship you keep thinking is just a coincidence, is your own souls way of trying to heal. Heed to the beautiful process with awareness. Stop resisting the experience. It’s not that bad. It’s simply the natural process of healing. I will let you know when I’m laughing out loud in relief from letting this old thing go, instead of hiding under the covers.