The Darkest Day and The Birth of a New Sun (Things that Make You Go Hmmmm)…

Sun Rising

Today is the winter solstice.  It is the darkest day of the year.  In ancient times, these days were revered – not through the act of commercialism the way Christmas is celebrated today – but by taking the time to honor the movement of our solar system.  The winter solstice was celebrated as the “birth of a new sun.”  (Sound familiar)?  In ancient times, man knew that he was part of a greater whole.  Architecture all over our planet was divinely inspired and designed around the movements of the planets and stars, as were the stories you read in the scriptures (Fish = Sun in Pisces.  Ram = Sun in Aries.  Bull = Sun in Taurus.  Virgin = the Sun in Virgo).  These stories were not meant to be read literally the way we teach them today.  We have taken a story about our solar system and diluted it into a one-dimensional religion, but the true story is one of greater wisdom.  It teaches that we are not separate from our creator, but that we are all one divine consciousness playing the role of many.

I used to be confused about what it means to be “one” consciousness playing the role of many.  I was taught the watered down version of the story of Christmas, and throughout my life I felt lost.  Feeling lost and confused contributed to my self-destructive behavior, but I became incredibly curious about the whole thing and began searching my way to feeling connected.  All along, I had a hunch that there was something more to life than constantly asking forgiveness for my “sins.”  I was a curious person, and it became exasperating to feel like I was doing something wrong simply because I wanted to know more than I was taught, so I decided to trust my gut while defying everything I learned while sitting in a pew.  It has been ten years, almost to the day, and I went from feeling insignificant and separate from God, to feeling empowered and connected to all that is.

How do you explain that we are “one” when there are so many of us living various lives?  It is actually very simple.  All you have to do is take a giant step back from everything.  While we are experiencing darkness in the evening, the other side of the planet experiences daylight.  When you see this from the point of view of somewhere out in space, you can observe the whole of this, rather than the parts.  You can see that the sun is radiating one side of the planet, while the moon is reflecting light from the sun to illuminate the other side of the planet.  It all works in harmony, and there is no separation.  Go back a little further… now a little further… and there you see the entire solar system as one giant organism working together as a whole.  Everything is connected and moving together in sync.  There is a cosmic order occurring, and no true separation.

Sometimes you must take a giant step back in order to discover a wholeness to that which seems fragmented.  When I am confused about my life, and when my life seems disorderly, I must remember that it is all working together for a greater whole (or a greater purpose).  There is a way to find harmony within the chaos because there is no true chaos when you observe life as a whole.  On a smaller scale, life may seem unruly and disorderly, especially in today’s society, but on a greater scale, all of it can easily be summed up to a conscious shift occurring on the planet.  People are waking up, while others are fighting to remain asleep.  They do not know that they are doing this, but the battles we fight are always based in fear.  When people stop fearing and begin walking in their freedom and waking up (which many people are doing now), the fear grows greater in those that are asleep, and then there arises a great need to protect the “illusion” of reality.  The illusion of reality is that we are separate.  Religions desperately fight to remain separate.  If they are separate, then it proves their existence, you see.  The fear rises when people believe that they will cease to exist without an identity of who they are.  The truth is that once you let go of the fear of trying to “exist” on this planet, you realize that you are everything – not just one thing.  You are not just an image – you are all there is.  We fear letting go of our images, including labels of “Christianity,” but the irony is that Jesus never labeled himself, except to say that he was all there is and all there ever will be – the I AM.  Ultimately, this is what we all are.  The images we try to preserve are not truth.  They are merely preserving the fears of humanity.

Religions and political parties segregate themselves from the whole, claiming that they are “right.”  This causes great friction, especially because many people are claiming to be “right.”  Take a giant step back and you will see that right and wrong mean nothing on the grander scale.  The true battle is between fear and freedom – love and hate.  But these too, are merely opposite spectrums on the same plane of reality.  There is no true separation.  When people begin waking up, they will understand that it is only in their mind that we are not “one.”  The battle has always been to preserve the illusion of separation, when all along we are one source of energy, playing the roles of many.

Why is this?  If you are curious like me, you will seek out the answer to this question.  It is a great question to ask, and to continue asking – like a beautiful game of hide-n-seek with the divinity within you.  We constantly need to be reminded of the soul within the temple of our human body (Soul = Solar).  “As above, so below.”  Our own bodies are a reflection of the solar system.  On this final day of three of the darkest days in our solar year, let us honor the rebirth of our sun, which is a beautiful reminder of who we truly are.  The sun has risen after three days of darkness… (Hmmmmmm, that really does sound familiar).

Thanking the People in Your Life Who Have “Done You Wrong”

Cover for In Lieu of a Dragon Tale

Abuse comes in all forms, from emotional to physical, and the abuse is passed down from one person to the next.  It is extremely unlikely that an abuser has been nurtured in a balanced and healthy environment.  Most people who are mentally and emotionally abusive are unaware of their control issues, nor do they have any sort of self-esteem because of what has been inflicted upon them and taken away from them, usually in childhood.  We know this when we deal with abusive people in our lives, but how often do we find compassion for them?  It is so much easier to take the stance of a victim and to blame that person for most or some of our “issues.”  I am writing this today because I was walking with a friend yesterday who was terribly neglected by her adopted mother, and even after the mother has passed away, my friend is still harboring a lot of anger from her childhood.

I asked my friend this question:  “Although your mom was abusive, neglectful and caused you pain, what positive influence did she have on your life?  I mean, when people push us to the point of misery, and cause us to want to rebel, often we go to the extremes to prove them wrong in some way, shape, or form.  Their behavior toward us has a direct influence on some of our biggest life decisions.  How did your abusive mother push you in your life, which proved positive?”

My friend considered this for a moment and then relayed to me that she would have never left home as early as she had, and taken several opportunities to travel the world if it weren’t for her mom driving her to the point of practically running out the front door.  My friend has been all over the planet because she refused to remain home in that abusive relationship with her mother.  She has literally seen most everything there is to see out there, in all of her childhood fury.  She went out and found her place in the world because she had no place with her own mom.  How empowering that relationship truly was for my friend.

In my own life, I have recognized other people’s “bad or weird” behaviors as an opportunity to look at my own self and see how I can change (clean up my side of the street) in order to navigate in a balanced way with those people.  Other people enter our lives to show us something about ourselves.  We think that life is incredibly random, but if nature shows us anything, it proves that it is clearly balanced, and it is constantly rebalancing, healing, growing, providing, etc.  When we are physically hurt, our body immediately sends signals to our brain to rush in extra blood so that it can begin the healing process.  It is no different in our emotional, spiritual and mental experiences of life.  The universe always provides people, places and things to offer healing, balance and growth.  If we recognize these people, places and things when they arrive, we will discover that life is not random.  It is incredibly connected and unbiased.

Everyone experiences pain, and everyone is provided opportunities for healing, balance and growth.  It is up to the individual to recognize their role in the ecosystem of their relationships.  If someone is causing you pain, another something or someone will be provided for healing.  Life is certainly not random.  If we are to become conscious of ourselves, we must also recognize what role other people play in our spiritual, emotional and mental development.  Everyone plays a role in our lives, including those who are completely clueless to themselves and how they behave.

If I have learned anything this year, it is that no matter how awful other people’s behaviors are, there is something I can change about myself in order to find serenity in that relationship.  I can find a balance within myself through their reflection of whatever pisses me off or annoys me.  Rather than trying to control them (because I can’t), I take control of my responses, and there I discover that I am way more in control than I previously thought.  When we begin searching for balance within ourselves, we discover how incredibly powerful we are as human beings, and how life is constantly offering us opportunities to heal, balance and grow.  When I heal, rebalance and grow because of those other people’s influences in my life, it is easy to take a step back from my ego and silently thank them for the significant role they played, without them even knowing it.  There is so much to this life experience that we miss if we are not aware of our soul journey while we are in this human form.

I spend most of my free time writing, and this is how I rebalance, and figure stuff out about myself.  I don’t know what else I am supposed to be doing with my life other than raising my two children and writing, so that’s what I’m doing.  I have recently published a book called ‘In Lieu of a Dragon Tale – A Modern Day Fable for the Young at Heart.’  It is about a girl and her unexpected relationship with a dragon.  The dragon represents wisdom and the girl is having a difficult time navigating through her life with this giant beast in a society that does not accept dragons.  The story wrote itself and surprised me in each unfolding chapter.  The ending was especially unexpected.  I’ve loaded it on Kindle for 0.99 and it is also available in paperback.

If you have suffered in your addiction, or if you are trying to make sense out of the chaos,  this story is extremely relatable, as the girl eventually descends into the darkest of places in order to separate herself from the dragon, until she has a powerful moment of clarity.  I am very excited about this book and am asking for some reviews on Amazon.  Here is the link if you are interested:

Changing Your Perspective Expands Your Life Experience

Flat Earth

A jet plane was moving quickly above me while I was driving to work yesterday, but the first thing I noticed was the thin white, expansive contrail.  It was an exceptionally clear morning and my brain was in an imaginative mood, so I sat at a stoplight pretending that I was looking up at a shooting star in broad daylight.  I thought about what it would be like if I were not of a society that knew about the comings and goings of planes, and I saw this thing up in the sky for the very first time without any knowledge of what it truly was.  There I sat pretending to be a tribeswoman peaking out of the trees of my very comfortable forest.  What would I chalk the plane up to being?  Would it be a shooting star in broad daylight?  A sign from the gods?  Perhaps I would consider it a miracle.  Would the plane be some sort of sign from the heavens, or an omen?  I was thinking about how we observe our surroundings, interpreting the world from separate perspectives.  If I knew nothing about a plane because I lived my life in seclusion from mainstream society, the plane would not register in my brain as a plane.  No, I would make sense of it probably by calling it a shooting star in broad daylight, or an incoming asteroid.  This is what I decided the plane would have been to me in my state of (for lack of a better word) ignorance.

I would probably be the one that left the tribe and explored the situation, although the subconscious fear of the tribe would discourage me from doing so.  “What if it is a devil?”  They might ask.  Or, “it could change you,” would be the greatest fear of all.  If one person changes in the tribe, it effects the entire tribe.  People don’t embrace change, so they discourage it or create weird scenarios around it.  I don’t care much about people’s fears, opinions and beliefs about the world.  I’d still go out and figure out what the plane was all about.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep very well or concentrate on anything else until I found out about that thing in the sky.

There is a lot of fear placed in exploring our lives.  When I first moved away from my hometown, I was 28 years old and I had two very young children.  Their father and I had been split up for over a year by that time.  An opportunity came up for me to move north and I did, and it was not easy, but I did it with an intention to find out about myself and to learn about the world without other people telling me what was right and what was wrong.  When I was struggling the most (probably because I was deeply rooted in guilt), I met someone along the way who held my hand and believed in me.  He opened a path for me that I would have never followed on my own out of fear, guilt, and dread of crossing the boundaries that people had placed before me all my life.  My conditioning nearly convinced me that life operated by handing out rewards and punishments – everything worked a certain way and I should not “explore” outside of the regulations of my religion.  I had already crossed enough of those lines in my life to know that I wasn’t constantly being punished like I thought I would be, and also, when I followed my curiosity, I was usually pleasantly rewarded with opportunities that wouldn’t have been available if I wouldn’t have explored.  Old thought patterns would arise – the hammer would soon come down, or I’m going to end up eating crow, or even worse – this might take me straight to Hell. Fear ruled my experiences, but I continued moving forward (I suppose that was what the alcohol was for at the time – to numb out my thoughts, which were tediously doused in worry).  Yes I drank heavily through all this exploration of mine, and the hammer did drop on me, but still I was offered opportunities to continue discovering my own path.  Never once did I go back to my tribe (hometown) and grovel because they were right and I was wrong.  I did go back for a few months when I needed solace and direction, but before long I was back on my own path – this time with much more acceptance.  I understood that the world was not out to get me.  In fact, it was much more loving and guiding than I had ever expected, so I carried on.

My perspective was one way when I left home, but eleven years later, it has opened up to a whole new understanding of life.  The fear is not ruling me any longer.  There is much more joy – in fact, even when I am having a rough time, I still feel a lot of joy.  I understand myself and who I am in the world.  I no longer feel “less than” or unworthy.  I laugh a lot more than I cry.  That’s a huge transformation right there.  I am no longer confused in any way, shape or form.  I enjoy my life more.  I am more accepting of others.  I watch what I think about rather than allow my thoughts to make decisions and determinations about my life.  I live in the moment rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future.  I am not afraid of change.  I embrace change, even when it means breaking up with someone I love very much, because I know what I need and what I don’t need.  I am not afraid to go for what I want.  I know what doesn’t suit me and I have no problem letting things go that no longer suit me.  I am not afraid to explore, even when people tell me not to explore.  I am no longer living my life in consideration of Heaven and Hell.  Heaven and Hell is right here right now.  I choose my path by choosing to walk in the way of love or the way of fear.  I’ve done both.  Love is much more accommodating, and exciting.  Fear is all-consuming and incredibly restrictive.

I was listening to the Catholic station the other day on my way to work.  There was a woman on who was talking about “the new age” thinking and how detrimental and damaging it is to the church.  I’m so glad I got to hear this on the radio.  Don’t even ask me why I had the Catholic station on.  I just did.  I like hearing how people think their way is right.  It’s incredibly interesting to me that people are so consumed with right and wrong.  Anyway, people were calling in to this woman and asking questions about crystals and things like the law of attraction.  She was very down on crystals and changing your thinking in order to attract what you want in your life.  She said this opens the door for (I guess) unruly spirits and such.  Hmmm.  Ironically EVERYTHING material on this physical realm of existence, including the microphone she was using, was originally someone’s thought before it came into fruition. Thinking is inventing. Thinking is creating, and isn’t the whole premise of the Catholic faith based in the concept of creation? Creation = creativity, which is what teachings of The Law of Attraction reflects. We are made in the likeness of God, which pretty much means that we ourselves, are creators… is this not what we are told while we are sitting in the pews? But if the congregation discovers the truth about their essence, well then the Vatican would lose their power over them, you see. And no one would be giving them money, which is how they remain in power, so they keep dousing out the fear through people like this woman on the radio show. If you give people the keys to their own empowerment, the the church would cease to exist; therefore, the teachings of The Law of Attraction and understanding the healing properties of the earth’s elements are absolutely detrimental to the institution of the church.

I listened very intently and there were times when this woman admitted to not knowing enough about something to give much advice.  That was a big clue that most of what she said was speculation.  What bothered me the most was that people actually bought into what she was saying, rather than going out and exploring these things for themselves.  If you want to know whether something is “wrong” for you, or “right” for you, wouldn’t you want the opportunity to discover this for yourself?  It never harmed me to learn by exploration.  In fact, what I learned most of the time was that people’s opinions about things were usually wrong, and backward.  If they have never entered a Buddhist temple, or read the Tao, or studied Judaism, or taken the time to understand the Muslim teachings, or the Tarot, then how can they even pass judgment on these things?  It doesn’t make much sense.

When you close yourself off from exploring you curiosity, you’re closing yourself off from a lot of things that life has to offer.  Many times we are taught not to explore, yet it is natural to want to explore.  I am of the understanding now that all things are created from one Source.  If all things are created from one single source of energy, then there is no reason to segregate myself from anything I am curious about.  Even if I go down the so-called “wrong path,” I am always given an opportunity for learning and discovering on my own that it may have not been the best direction for me.  This is a loving universe we live in.  If you think it isn’t, then your experience of it will be negative.  You create your experience by how you perceive things.

There is much to explore in life, so don’t cut yourself off out of fear.  Don’t limit yourself by what other people think.  If you are in recovery, do the next right thing and don’t pick up a drink or a drug, but don’t stop exploring the world and what it has to offer.  Be curious.  Learn about yourself.  Be open.  Learn to step out of fear onto the path of love.  Change your perspective and everything will change for you.  After all, the world isn’t flat like it once was perceived, and neither should your life experience be flat.  Be a knower rather than merely a believer.  Ask, seek, knock – receive, find and let the doors be opened to the vast experience of your own beautiful life.

“This Isn’t a F*cken Friends Episode!…”


Those infamous words knocked me back into my seat as I sat in a circle with my recovery peers who all stared at me, shocked at the way I was being put in my place by the director of the program.  It was “Focus Group” which meant that we got to sit across from someone we wanted to confront.  This was a way to clear up tensions in a healthy manner, and to also point out behaviors in one another so that we could assist each other in changing the things that led us to drinking or using.  I was rarely focused on by any of my 40+ peers.  I had it all going on as if my shit didn’t stink.  What I didn’t realize was that my behavior of “looking good” and being everyone’s buddy was exactly what was going to kill me in my addiction.  This was pointed out by the counsellors, not my peers, because we were all too blind at the time to notice subtle behaviors, or to even relate perfectionistic traits as a revelation of a sneaky addict.  Yeah, I was one of those.

Humility was part of the process of changing our behaviors, but you cannot really get to a place of humility if you’re not aware of yourself.  So that’s how the director of the program saved my life in a sense.  After that dramatic session with my peers, another director walked into the evening house gathering and pointed at me.  She told the group that they were letting me “die” because they weren’t aware of how I navigated through the program like a little “honey bee.”  At first I was clueless as to what this even meant, but as time went on, I became aware of my own intensions to be everybody’s best friend, and how I buzzed past important things, including my assignments.  I knew how to get things done quickly without putting much effort into them.  Basically, I was living on the surface of my life to avoid difficult emotions.  Life to me was a checklist – “Get this done… CHECK!  Get that done… CHECK!”  I was driven to complete tasks as swiftly as possible and to make sure that everyone liked me in the meantime.

Laughing out loud right now at the thought of spending so much energy trying to please everyone.  Handing all of my assignments in on time was a way for me to get acceptance from my counsellors.  Like they even paid much attention to me when there were 40 of us addicts running around with minor dramas always occurring.  I was so self-centered, I swear to god.  When I left that sacred place, it was scary walking out into the real world where people are pretty much oblivious to their behaviors.  I recall thinking that I wish I could have focus group at work, or with my family.  It really did save my life and I was scared to not have that safety net of a group because I was still wobbly on my own two feet.  Luckily I continued going to groups and moved into a sober-living environment with many of my peers. The group I graduated with has been a very solid handful of people.  Most of us are doing very, very well.  We were really hard on each other too, but now there is nothing but love and support between us.  I know I can call any of my peers at any time and they would drop everything to be there for me.  I have needed some of them this very week, and four of them have immediately been there for me, even if it was merely words of encouragement after listening to my “drama” for the week.

There was a little upheaval this week with my ex and for the first time in a very long time, I felt extremely overwhelmed.  But that only lasted for a day.  I went through it, got sucked into it for a little while, and then stopped pointing my fingers and began looking at my part in the situation.  Once I did this, I stopped myself in my own tracks – almost as if I slammed myself into my own chair with awareness of my negative behaviors.  I felt ashamed, and scattered.  I took myself to three meetings and announced my “behaviors” to the group.  Afterward, I apologized to my former boyfriend.  I haven’t heard one apology from him, but that’s ok.  I’m not in this to even out the score.  My only obligation to my recovery is that I recognize my part in every situation and clear it up as soon as possible. 

I felt better when I got out of the drama and took some responsibility.  Last night, I ran into “him” and he was clearly uncomfortable.  He left the restaurant immediately after realizing he was uncomfortable.  I was not at all uncomfortable.  What I would love to tell him is that all of this turmoil coming up for him is simply a guiding light into himself.  It’s nothing more than emotional growth occurring.  Regardless of the obvious happenstance, and the “drama” surrounding me moving out and our breaking up, there is something much greater happening.  I don’t take much interest (any longer) in surface situations.  People are dramatic.  I’m even dramatic.  The daily dish comes and goes, but the real deal is what’s below the surface.  A year from now when we are both a little stronger from the situation, we will look back and see how much we changed because of our year long encounter.  When we met, the stars were in alignment.  Fireworks ignited.  We went into the relationship open hearted and confident.  Both of us knew that we might get hurt, but we were very ambitious because we were extremely aware of the yin and yang between us.  We knew that in harmony, we could be a dynamite couple.  It was difficult for us to keep that harmony, so there was a lot of conflict instead.  That ambition between us stretched us to the max, however, and this part of our experience (the turmoil) is merely growth occurring quickly.  That’s all it is, and I see it for what it is. 

Forget the scene, or the way things are playing out.  Look beyond them.  Life is not about the drama occurring – it’s truly about what is happening for you (emotions) during the experience.  I took a massive bite of humble pie this week.  It was bitter to the tongue, but sweet to my belly.  I’m in a much better place because I took some serious responsibility.  I’m not writing any of this stuff to pat myself on the back. I have such a long way to go, and there is still some wreckage to attend to. What I do understand in all of this, is that my former boyfriend was simply a player in my life to show me what I really need to work on in myself, and where I need to grow. For him, I was also a player in his life who stirred up a lot of things for him. When I met him, he talked about longing to be more flexible and easy going. When he met me, I spoke of wanting to keep growing as a person. I think we organically provided this for one another. He really opened my eyes to myself and I am growing greatly because of it. For this, I am incredibly grateful for him. He’s been a great teacher.

I can’t change some things that are occurring, or that have occurred, but I do know where I could have done better.  Progress… It’s funny – My former boyfriend used to call me “Phoebes.” This was his name for me. I’m going to miss that a lot, but this isn’t a Friends episode. The season has ended and life moves on. 



A Broken Heart is Not a Broken Soul

Breaking Up

There was a city parade going down the other morning and something urged me to go.  My daughter wanted nothing to do with it so I went alone and got there early enough to poke around at the festival stands before they actually opened.  I felt a little bit alone, but not exactly lonely.  Lately when I’ve gone and done things by myself and when they are interesting, I miss my former boyfriend.  We used to do a lot together and for the longest time, I believed we were going to be together for the remainder of our lives.  We had fun and we liked the same things.  At least I thought we did.  After several hikes, and tons of outings I realized that he was growing restless with me.  I wanted to be outside all the time, and he was beginning to complain about it a lot. We all do things to impress people in the beginning of relationships.  I guess that’s a normal mating ritual.

Anyway, I was at this parade feeling kind of alone as I reflected on our relationship, sitting on a tile bench in the town that brought us to the decision to move across the Bay together.  It is weird how life changes, and how it often changes suddenly.  I don’t look back thinking that I made any wrong decisions, or regretting opening my heart to this man.  What I’ve learned in all of this is that you’ve really got to see things for what they are and not get deluded by seductive words or heartwarming emotions.  Emotions are good because they lead you back to yourself and indicate where you are in your life, but when it comes to another human being, the emotions that arise for them in a relationship, are proof of where they are too, and its important to be aware of that.  The other thing is that people want to believe that they are a certain way when their behaviors tell you otherwise.  We all do this.  I’m so blind to myself, and as much as it hurts, I welcome people pointing out my behaviors now.  We are all blind to ourselves.  We see ourselves through a deluded filter – get into a relationship and you will discover all of your faults. It’s guaranteed. I certainly know mine now, but the good news is, I’m aware and I’m working on myself instead of resisting the truth about myself, or hating on myself for not being perfect.

During this break-up I’ve put it out in the universe that I want to make some friends here. We’re still fairly new to the area and now that I’m not involved in a relationship, I have a lot of free time to make friends. Out of the woodwork, people have suddenly come into my life. I’ve met a woman whose been here over 30 years who knows all of the hiking trails. I met another woman who is excited to teach me how to surf. A woman in my Sunday meeting hooked me up with a place to live and she calls me all the time. We’re becoming friends. As I was sitting on that bench by myself the other day, I recognized a woman who came up and gave me a great big hug. “What are you doing here?” I asked in amazement. She lived in Berkeley and went to the same treatment center as I did. “I live here now,” she responded. “I knew you were living over here, but I didn’t know where, and here you are!” We talked for quite a while as we watched the parade. She asked if I like to go hiking, and we exchanged numbers. It didn’t surprise me at all that I saw her there. Something urged me to go to that parade and I have learned to follow that inner pull that has the capacity to turn my life into magical experiences. I’m not talking fairy dust and rainbows here – I’m just saying that when I follow my intuition, really cool shit happens.

A lot of emotions are coming up for me during this break-up, and now that I’m moving out of the home that we created together, I’m feeling a bit drained. It’s not easy. In the beginning while I was looking for a place to live, I had all this amazing energy, but now that it’s happening, I’m feeling all of the raw emotion that comes up with the experience of change. I know if I hadn’t of been sober for over three years, this sort of thing would be way too much for me to handle. Relationships bring up a lot of emotion and if you’re not ready for it, it can be hazardous to your sobriety. Breaking up is no easier now in my late thirties when I’m sober, than it was in my late twenties and barely sober. I mean, I’m not exactly miserable now, but the pain is quite there and if I allow myself to reminisce too much, or to think about what could have been, it becomes too great. I’m living moment to moment and I have to fight myself to stay present instead of sink into my sorrows about the whole thing. The sorrows want to take me back to the beginning of our relationship when everything was loving and fun. That’s not real. It’s not here anymore, so I keep reminding myself to move forward and to remain present.

The one thing that gets to me the most (and I’m sure others can relate here, which is why I’m putting it out in the open) is that the person I gave to this man, was the best person that I’ve ever been in my life. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. The happiest. The most open. The most loving. The most loyal and genuine. The most aware and giving. This man got the best me there has ever been, but it’s not what he wants. I’m also at a place where I’m not too stubborn to admit when I’m wrong. I’ve apologized a lot in this relationship without much resolve or reciprocation. Stubbornness is one of my defects of character, but the thing is, I know it is, so I’m really working on that, and I’m watching myself grow out of it. It’s a slow process, but it’s happening. You see, I know how much I’ve changed. I know where I’ve come from. This other person only sees my awful faults, and notices where I’m lacking. He also says I’m too much of a “project” for him, which indicates to me that I really need to move on from this person. I have a great relationship with my children. I am close to my parents and grandparents. I have several friends. Most of my exes still contact me, and we are still friends. I know myself enough to know that I’m not limited to his point of view. If I didn’t have any self-esteem, I would be a train wreck right now. When you are doing your very best and someone tells you that you are not good enough – RUN! Get away from that. Remaining in a relationship like that is the quickest way to slide down into the drenches of low self-esteem. Do your best and hang out with people who love you for who you are.

This isn’t a happy-go-lucky post, but it’s real. I’m in a lot of pain and I feel defeated a lot. I am so grateful that I’m actually feeling all of this, and that I’m doing well during the process. I’m glad I can talk about it and write about it. I’m really glad that I don’t buy into a belief that I’m “less than.” I know how far I’ve come and I know how much I have to give another person, but for now, I’m going to give that love to myself because I really need it. And everything else I need, like friends and especially women, are being provided. I’m not buying into a belief that I’m not whole or complete. That’s what people tell you when they don’t want to admit that they too, have failed the relationship. This pain is not going to ruin me, and I certainly will not buy into a belief that I am not good enough. Just because I failed this relationship doesn’t mean that I am a failure. The difference now is, I am able to remain in tact while the frenzy is going on within me. I have the ability to watch all the emotions without getting sucked into them. Just because I have a broken heart, doesn’t mean that I am a broken person. I’m going to learn from my mistakes and be a better person because of this relationship.

The Eyes, They Never Lie

empty eyes

 There is a reason doubt comes up for you when someone promises something and you recognize an inner flicker of angst.  I ignored the eyes this time around because they reminded me of someone of whom I needed to face in my life; someone who has abandoned me several times over.  I think meeting this person was the universe’s way of mirroring that other person and helping me to heal in some of those areas that were deep and dark and sad.  So I accepted the bait because the only thing I ever wanted from the person who abandoned me, was acceptance, and this mirror person did just that… but the eyes.  Something was lacking.  They were dim and clearly angry. Void. Flat. Stripped – like me now, but I ignored that part because I trusted the clever mask and opened myself up to some kind of love.  I gratefully opened my heart up wide, willing to be hurt.  I made this statement and this was large for me.  This was quite unusual, and in retrospect, I understand that I did this for myself – to show my soul that I wasn’t afraid. 

But now I am.

Not of being hurt.   This has already occurred several times over, and I’ve inflicted some pain too.  I’m not innocent.  “It takes two to tango” he says never taking responsibility.  This gets to me because of how many times I have apologized and yearned for some sort of meeting of the hearts, but I think the opposing heart in this situation has been taken over by the mind that tells him that he is right.  So be it.  Be right.  Stand up in your righteousness. “Leave me behind in the wake of your angry dysfunction and remind me that I am too much of a project for you.  Because that’s what I’ve always been to you since the beginning.”  A project.  Huh.  I imagine myself under his scope; metal pieces scattered about.  Missing pieces.  Pieces everywhere.  Too many pieces for him to fix.  This is his point of view.  I’m under the scope with him, yet all the while, I am feeling completely whole.  Shaken, but whole.  Only someone who needs to control what I am would be so willing to call me such a miserable thing as a project.

There was never light behind those eyes.  Only darkness.  I noticed.  I noticed right away and it scared me, but I remained terrifically open.  And here I am whole, shaken and fearful.  Fearful that this fight isn’t over.  That it is only brewing bigger.  And I will have to hold myself together in this one piece without shattering or succumbing to the rage; his and mine.  Survival mode.  I’m tired of surviving.  The men, they come, they take, they expect.  They expect.  They expect.  They expect.  I don’t give in.  I don’t give what I don’t have because this would deplete me.  This angers them to no avail.  Abandonment, or penance.  They choose one and I take it all in.  I suck it all up again and again and again.  And this is what they’ve deemed as love, but I know better. To prove something to my precious soul, I was open to take even this penance, which is merely another form of depletion.  I should have saw it coming. 

He was that mirror, and I took the bait thinking that it was some sort of cosmic offering, but it was merely unbridled retribution.  Acceptance from another human being is an illusion.

Even if the seductive words ring a bit of truth – The eyes, they never lie.