Making Amends with My Money


My physical realm has changed dramatically.  My routine is completely different now.  Over the last two months, I’ve changed jobs, moved in with my boyfriend, re-merged full-time back into my daughter’s life, moved to a different city and environment, began driving a car all the time after two years of walking everywhere, and have accumulated a lot more financial responsibility.  Although my income has increased, the responsibility of managing money has shifted entirely.  It’s a lot to administer, but so far it has not been overwhelming. 

 I’m a little tired; I will admit that, but because I’ve held a constant vision of where I was headed and what was soon in store, there is a lot of contentment here in the midst of the external developments.  Everything is going in a positive direction, so it’s simply a matter of being present for the experiences I’m having, instead of reverting into fear because of past mistakes I’ve made, during random arising flurries of doubt.  There are moments when I catch myself questioning the leap of faith I’ve taken here; where memories of poor money management lure me into believing that I’m the same old irresponsible fool who carelessly splurged, when I should have been saving or paying bills. 

I’m not that person anymore.  I don’t splurge.  I am careful about what I spend my money on, good about planning for food and gas, and diligent about paying my bills on time.  My boyfriend even trusts me to manage his money, which is a pretty good indication that I’ve even impressed him with how I’ve managed my own. 

I remember back a few years ago when I used to visit other people’s homes and assess how many groceries were in their cabinets and fridge.  The big clue that they were financially stable was when I saw that they had a surplus of toilet paper, along with extras like tissue and Q-tips.  You see, I rarely had a surplus of anything, including booze.  I rarely made it to the end of a pay period with money to spare.  It was a horrific cycle of never having enough of anything.  I lived like this for years.  I had a really bad habit of telling myself that I didn’t have enough money, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I literally never had enough money.

In March of this year, I was aware of the fact that I would soon have another mouth to feed.  Although I could live on Top Ramen and chips and salsa for weeks on end, and learn to get by on less than $20 per week, I understood that this frugal lifestyle was not going to serve an eleven year old who I would soon have to care for.  I had to find another job, for certain, but more importantly, I needed to change my thinking about money.  Instead of constantly telling myself, I don’t have enough, I began stating, I have plenty of money.  I have an abundance of money and I have everything I need.

This simple shift in self-talk and my belief about money made a gigantic difference.  I inadvertently began spending differently and planning more.  I began appreciating everything I had and made an effort to save a little bit of cash at the end of each pay period.  Although I wasn’t making much money, the little bit I had was sufficient and copious.  Suddenly, money was showing up in unexpected places.  What also unexpectedly occurred was that my creative juices began flowing and I discovered ways to accumulate side income.  Because I was diligent in completing manuscripts last year, instead of wasting my time on entertainment and socializing, my writing is becoming an asset.  I published three books this year, and there are royalties trickling in. 

It’s all a matter of self-respect and respecting my pocket book.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how much money I make; what matters most is my relationship with my money.  How can this money serve me and how can I serve my money?  It’s a karmic relationship I’m having here with the dollar bill.  I’ve gone from fearing my finances, to enjoying the flow of money.  I used to avoid looking at my bills and writing a budget.  Today I’m discovering myself taking charge of what’s in my bank account, organizing my wallet and knowing exactly what I have each morning, and exactly how much I’m going to have at the end of the month.  Honestly, I shock myself with how responsible I am with my money.  It makes me feel good, and I think that’s what keeps me on top of it.

I never understood how much self-respect and feeling good about myself, would be a driving factor in my recovery.  Unexpected things continually unfold.  I still have a lot to learn about money and a lot of old debt to pay, but this is a good beginning for me.  Sometimes a simple attitude change and a broadening perspective, makes all the difference in the world. 

I have everything I need and more.  I have plenty of money and money is constantly flowing my way.  My bills are paid and I spend less than I make…