Something occurred for me yesterday that floored me – nailed me back into myself, really – after feeling quite broken and alone. I put it out there too, letting the universe know that I felt a sense of loss. Being unafraid of vulnerability is a strength. It opens you up to receiving all that you need in your restoration. To be vulnerable is to release yourself into the cradle of the surrounding universe, which is always awaiting our surrender. I haven’t only surrendered to my incapability of drinking like a normal person; I surrender to all I cannot control – which is basically everything except for myself. Sometimes it just takes me longer than it should, because I think I’ve got something in the bag, when in actuality, I never do. Vulnerability is about being open like a child exploring the world around him or her, expecting nothing, yet trusting everything. It has a lot to do with trust. I’m learning this on a level that I have never quite experienced before.
I’ve been listening closely to all the voices I encounter, even if they aren’t speaking directly to me. Essentially, everything is speaking to me because all living organisms are connected through the thread of life. What I’ve heard has reminded me that when I am aware of myself, the surrounding world is beating right along with me. It is as if the drumming of my heart corresponds to the embrace of the planet. I know this sounds airy, but perhaps I’m in a bit of an airy space today because I’m open and raw. Yesterday when I felt so alone, I learned (out of the sky blue I tell ya) that three of my close co-workers are also in the program. Two of them are struggling, but one of them is on the same path as I am. I had intuitive hints that one of my co-workers was “sober,” yet no solid proof that he was one of me. The knowing of this, after ten months of working with this person, was a giant hug from my higher power. I simply felt the love and it was beautiful. I could have found this out at any time (or never), yet the information was suddenly poured out to me exactly when I needed to hear it the most.
As I went about my day feeling incredibly loved, a friend from across the Bay called me and wanted to bring me lunch. This has never occurred before, yet it just so happened on a day that I really needed that feeling of connection. We ate together and spoke of casual things, yet it was such a supplement of exactly what I needed, and again, I felt incredibly loved.
The day went on and both of the documentaries I watched last night, spoke to me so thoroughly that I went to bed completely humbled by the day. One documentary was about the training of children to be warriors of God, while rebuking their “sins” in the name of Jesus (which is exactly the way I was raised), while the other film was about acceptance of one’s entire self and learning to understand how to live in harmony with all that is, without judgment. I received a sense of clarity as I watched the two documentaries. It was like I suddenly “got it.” One way of thinking is that God is a separate entity from man, while the other is that there is no separation, and we should honor ourselves in each breath we take, each word we speak, each movement we make. It was clear to me – separation versus harmony. I have found harmony after several years of separation and I wouldn’t go back to that old way of thinking and being (ever) because of how dynamic my life is today compared to when I judged everything as “right and wrong.” There is no love where there is division, and when the church divides itself from humanity because it believes it’s “right,” the world hears “Jesus loves you,” yet feels condemnation from those who offer the message of so-called love. I got saved when I was a child, just like many people do, because I was afraid of going to hell if I didn’t. Where is the love in this? Where is the harmony in thinking that I am not worthy of God’s love because I am human, therefore I am sin? I knew the day that I walked into a mediation sitting and felt the stillness of the people, and saw the naturalness of the lotus position, that I was in the right place. It was the exact opposite of everything I learned growing up in church, yet it was all encompassing of who I was right then and there. It was where I discovered that I was the temple (not the building) and that I was not only worthy of God’s love, but that I was never separate from God’s love. No matter where I go, there God is, and this is why yesterday was a great reminder that vulnerability is an opening for God to be just as God is. I was not in the way of myself yesterday as I so often am.
There is a message in every step we take each day. It’s that we don’t need to go looking for God, because God always IS. It’s that no matter what adversity comes my way, the lesson is always the same -“Go back to myself” where the truth is adamant and abundant. You see, what I need is rarely what I desire, so to be vulnerable in my life is to trust that what I need will be provided to me, and what I desire is merely a phantom. We all have ideas of what we think will make us happy, but the universe has a different offering. It is always providing guidance to the soul, and infusing the heart with an abundance love and grace. Although I may desire a house to own, or more acceptance from others, the universe reminds me that satisfaction comes from my own acceptance of myself, and embracing all that I have right now. With this understanding, the manifestation of my desires appears very clearly, yet they lose their significance. It’s not that a friend came to bring me lunch, or that a co-worker was revealed to me to be “in the program” that made my day. It was that feeling of love and acceptance that I so deeply needed that these offerings provided. No matter what form love and acceptance comes in, I should be open enough to receive them. I should remain vulnerable because it is the place where I am able to trust in something greater than myself, which is essentially never apart from me. I feel incredibly loved today, and isn’t that all we truly need? If you’re not convinced – just ask a child.