I’m writing this for myself today because I had a real heart to heart with the universe last week about my situation. There is no doubt in my mind that I went into the right direction last year when I took a huge leap of faith into a new town with my kid in tow and followed my gut to a better job situation. I have so much more time to write now, and writing is truly all I ever want to do. If I didn’t have children, I would be completely content living in a tent near a beach as long as I had a laptop and a copy of ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,’ plus a few other books that inspire me in my own writing. They even make liquid nutrition now where you can skip making meals by simply pouring food down your throat, which takes the edge off and keeps you healthy.
Lately, however, everywhere I turn, there is a dead end sign on my path and I feel like I have a financial anchor between my shoulder blades holding me down from getting anywhere. I look around and it seems like it is this way for many of us, especially those of us who live in California and watch our paychecks go down the gas tank. Food is more expensive than ever and don’t even talk to me about the cost of rent in the Bay Area, but I swear, I KNOW I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I FEEL it. I literally feel like I am at HOME here, and I have never felt like this anywhere else in my life. It’s like the mountain range embraces my soul and the ocean nearby soothes my entire being. I feel connected right where I am, and my daughter is thriving here. I’m not just being romantic. This is where I’m supposed to be. For me to go back to my hometown and start from square one has crossed my mind, but then out of nowhere I receive these bread crumbs from the universe encouraging me to carry on right where I am. “Well, I’m so damn tired,” I tell my higher power. “I can’t do this anymore. You keep giving me these breadcrumbs. And THANK YOU for those. Yes, I’m so grateful for the breadcrumbs, God, but I’m also exhausted of surviving along. I’m growing weary. Can’t you just give up the whole damn loaf?!”
The universe has the best sense of humor – wickedly hilarious, I swear. I was standing there by myself on a high school running track, giving it to the old man upstairs (sarcasm here), with my hands on my hips even, and I get this answer back, “How about that entire bakery up ahead there? Just keep on moving forward.” It’s clear to me that there is a bakery. I can smell it. I can taste it in these little mediocre crumbs, but I’m tired of feeling weighed down. I simply need help, so that’s what I’ve been asking for. Some things are much bigger than me, and I need a hand to hold along the way. I need a little bit of direction and some encouragement because the universe’s “up ahead” can be years away for all I know.
Yesterday I was cleaning my cute little home here (that I pay through out of my nose) and I moved a table around that was taking up too much space in the kitchen. A guest came to visit me out of the blue. Someone I haven’t seen in years, but you know how time just seems to seal in the love? It didn’t feel like five years has gone by while she was sitting on my couch drinking her tea with me. We both look the same – even better. I’m certain she was glowing and light with her own inner balance. While we were talking I opened up to her about my situation and she gave me a lot of direction. She literally moved a wall in my thinking, just like I moved that table to give the kitchen more depth. I know what I need to do now, and though the anchor is still heavy, I’m not feeling like I’m standing at a dead end. What I do feel is that the dead ends along my path are there to encourage me to go toward the bakery. The direction is to move forward with this book I’ve written (and edited, and revised and edited and revised and revised again this weekend). I kept editing and revising it until it felt complete. Now it’s finally complete. It’s finally where I want it, and I’m going to move with it. There’s something about it that wants to be placed in the hands of other people like me. There is no doubt in my mind about this because the damn thing won’t leave me alone. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and tells me what I need to do next. The only doubt I’m having now, is that I’m not good enough, and that’s the big wall that I’m moving past now. I’m going to walk past this wall. It’s terrifying as hell – let me tell you, but there is no other way to go. I’m stuck here with a bunch of dead ends in my life and a promised bakery up ahead… What would you do?
Here is a link to my recently revised book. It’s free because I simply want to get it out there to anyone who is suffering in their lives, and to those who are looking for spiritual solutions. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/455639