A few weeks ago I blogged about the anxiety I experience and how there must be something beyond it, like a depth of myself that I haven’t yet discovered beneath all the fear. So these last few weeks I’ve been deliberately moving through the fear, and its been pretty darn interesting. My anxiety has peaked at times and then subsided; like massive waves of paranoia plummeting down into total stillness. I’ve been observing it rather than getting caught up in it. I’m just the person floating along on this shifty raft, allowing the tides to be as they are without disturbing them or freaking out because of heights of my anxiety.
When I go to bed I give my body permission to release the fear it needs to move through, knowing that it can’t destroy me or anything like that. We all have traumas that we suppress and many times they come up as nightmares. My dreams have been vivid and daunting. I woke up screaming one night and crying uncontrollably another. I’ve experienced pain in my kidneys which is indicative of a fear blockage. If you don’t know what it feels to have pain in your kidneys, it’s like having intense lower back pain. It sometimes throbs, or shoots pain like an electric shock. Some days I have a difficult time standing up and last week I couldn’t even run, but I didn’t get angry about not being able to run. It’s just part of the deal right now. I’m moving through the fear and it does not want to leave my body. It’s being difficult, like it is scared to leave me because it’s been with me for such a long time. Having compassion for myself is imperative right now, which means allowing this fear to take its time while I speak to it and give it permission to move on.
Things are coming up for me…. old patterns of thinking, insecurities and visions of losing everything. My heart races at times and my head spins. Cold sweats, stress, tears and moments of feeling out of control. It’s moving through me, but I’m not buying into it. This is what needs to occur so that I can delve deeper into who I am; what lies beneath this wall of fear I’ve been hiding behind? It’s exactly like detoxing and clearing out the old energy to bring in the new.
I always say that what we need comes at the exact right time. Yesterday my mom and dad gave me a gift for Mother’s Day. It was a complete bath and body package with salts and lavender, which is great for detoxing and relaxing. I took a nice long bath last night and imagined the fear releasing into the water. I imagined it going down into the drain as I dried myself off. My dreams were a little more harmonic last night, but there was still some residues of fear. I’m moving through it and not rushing it, but the most important thing is that I’m aware of it.
I’ve moved through some ugly stuff before – last year at this time it was doubt. When I moved past all my doubt without buying into it, the world opened up for me and I was able to receive the abundance of a wonderful new job, a dynamic relationship, a lovely little cottage home in a beautiful town followed by a lot of other blessings. If I would have listened to my doubt I’d still be living in a town that I didn’t feel comfortable in, working ten hours a day in a stuffy corporate office, and probably living in a studio with my twelve year old. When I move through this anxiety, I expect the universe has something incredible up its cosmic sleeve, and I’m open to receiving whatever it is.
We’ve got to know where we are headed in life so that the journey is clear. If I was lost right now, I would be a train wreck through all of this. I know where I’m headed and I trust that I’m being guided along the way. This is all pretty cool, and it excites me to know that I’m getting rid of old energy that no longer serves me. It means that I am growing and getting closer to the person that I came here to be. As I continue to move through the anxiety, I will keep you posted, and thank you to all my readers. I’ve got people from Australia, the UK, Hong Kong and Canada. Blessings to you all!