Feeling lost is not about being in the wrong place; it’s about being detached from who you are. It took me a really long time to figure this out. I spent many years running away from the people and the places that made me feel like I couldn’t be myself, but essentially who I was really trying to avoid was the person inside of my skin who was constantly afraid. What do others think? How do I look? What should I say so that I don’t sound like a freak? What do I say at all? Life was puzzling to me and I was a fragment of myself being whirl-winded in the throes of circumstance. Getting myself grounded never crossed my mind because that would be incredibly boring, yet I was always searching for serenity. When I found serenity, it didn’t take me long to spin things out of control again. I was a physical demonstration of creating a mandala and then immediately destroying it, yet there was no enlightenment during the process because I could never remain centered. I was lucky to get moments of silence wherein I wasn’t plotting against myself.
The boring aspect of sobriety was what scared me the most. It’s what kept me away from A.A. for several years. I suppose I thought giving up alcohol was like chaining myself inside a white room without a window. I just didn’t see the joy in this, however, I wouldn’t know joy back then even if the sun was shining out of my ass and flowers were growing out of my skin. I was disconnected from myself, and didn’t understand that recovery meant that I could reunite with the little girl that I left behind in the wake of my running. That little girl was ignited with joy, beaming with acceptance, and she was waiting for me. I’m so glad I finally put down the bottle, turned around and walked back to her again. Her arms were wide open and her hug is unceasing. She is anything but boring. She climbs trees and sees the world as her playground. She isn’t afraid to explore, or to look beyond what’s right in front of her which is sometimes just a blank canvass. She notices opportunities to create something and to be somebody. The last thing she would ever do is self-destruct, because she loves herself WAY too much.
We tend to complicate things. Most human beings do. We came out of the womb learning to trust our environment while exploring ourselves and the world around us, but somewhere along the way we stopped living and began surviving. It doesn’t really matter why at this point. What matters is the understanding that you and I lost ourselves because we disconnected from our own inner truth and began navigating in the landscapes of survival mode. If you can understand this, you are well on your way to discovering and remaining on your path. Your path is simply reconnecting to who you are. It’s a constant train ride of doing the next right thing on a voyage of self-discovery. It’s learning that the world doesn’t revolve around you, because the world is you. We are only lost when we deem ourselves separate. The beggar down the street is not less-than you; he is merely a reflection of what occurs when you give up on yourself. When you begin realizing that everything is connected, you will finally stop feeling disconnected.
Getting back on track is a matter of forgetting what happened an hour ago, and returning to the present moment just as it is. If you did something wrong, acknowledge your feelings that accompany the wrongdoing. If you need to make amends, do it quickly, but don’t dwell in the land of guilt or in the stifling ditch of judgment. Practice doing the next right thing from here on out, and if you screw it up, be aware of it and then continue your practice. There is no need to create a disaster out of a bit of litter dropped on the ground. Pick it up and then move forward. Keep moving forward and reminding yourself that you are human. Human beings can go from a place of ultimate acceptance to storming rage in two seconds flat. If you find yourself doing this, consider yourself a human being and smile upon yourself. Keep practicing and remind yourself that you are still getting acquainted to the child that you left in the wake of your running. The child isn’t judging you. The child is filled with unconditional love and acceptance, so return to her or him each time you make a mistake.
The path of recovery or of self-discovery is not a maze or a scavenger hunt. It’s very simple and it’s right at the tip of your feet each day. It’s not a boring place to be either. It’s an incredibly exciting road to travel because you’re creating it as you go. You feel like sliding, or swinging or jumping; then create yourself a playground! Use your imagination. Be creative with your life. You are limitless when you are in touch with your inner child. You are constantly forgiven, surrounded by grace and abundantly loved. Trust me. I’ve been re-acquainted with my inner child for a while now, and she doesn’t judge me. She’s too busy beaming me with her joy. There is not enough time in a day to keep up with her excitement for life! Take a load off, turn around and meet yourself today. I promise you the road is anything but boring!