How Do I Remain on My Path? (Feeling Lost)

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Feeling lost is not about being in the wrong place; it’s about being detached from who you are.  It took me a really long time to figure this out.  I spent many years running away from the people and the places that made me feel like I couldn’t be myself, but essentially who I was really trying to avoid was the person inside of my skin who was constantly afraid.  What do others think?  How do I look?  What should I say so that I don’t sound like a freak?  What do I say at all?  Life was puzzling to me and I was a fragment of myself being whirl-winded in the throes of circumstance.  Getting myself grounded never crossed my mind because that would be incredibly boring, yet I was always searching for serenity.  When I found serenity, it didn’t take me long to spin things out of control again.  I was a physical demonstration of creating a mandala and then immediately destroying it, yet there was no enlightenment during the process because I could never remain centered.  I was lucky to get moments of silence wherein I wasn’t plotting against myself.

The boring aspect of sobriety was what scared me the most.  It’s what kept me away from A.A. for several years.  I suppose I thought giving up alcohol was like chaining myself inside a white room without a window.  I just didn’t see the joy in this, however, I wouldn’t know joy back then even if the sun was shining out of my ass and flowers were growing out of my skin.  I was disconnected from myself, and didn’t understand that recovery meant that I could reunite with the little girl that I left behind in the wake of my running.  That little girl was ignited with joy, beaming with acceptance, and she was waiting for me.  I’m so glad I finally put down the bottle, turned around and walked back to her again.  Her arms were wide open and her hug is unceasing.  She is anything but boring.  She climbs trees and sees the world as her playground.  She isn’t afraid to explore, or to look beyond what’s right in front of her which is sometimes just a blank canvass.  She notices opportunities to create something and to be somebody.  The last thing she would ever do is self-destruct, because she loves herself WAY too much.   

We tend to complicate things.  Most human beings do.  We came out of the womb learning to trust our environment while exploring ourselves and the world around us, but somewhere along the way we stopped living and began surviving.  It doesn’t really matter why at this point.  What matters is the understanding that you and I lost ourselves because we disconnected from our own inner truth and began navigating in the landscapes of survival mode.  If you can understand this, you are well on your way to discovering and remaining on your path.  Your path is simply reconnecting to who you are.  It’s a constant train ride of doing the next right thing on a voyage of self-discovery.  It’s learning that the world doesn’t revolve around you, because the world is you.  We are only lost when we deem ourselves separate.  The beggar down the street is not less-than you; he is merely a reflection of what occurs when you give up on yourself.  When you begin realizing that everything is connected, you will finally stop feeling disconnected.

Getting back on track is a matter of forgetting what happened an hour ago, and returning to the present moment just as it is.  If you did something wrong, acknowledge your feelings that accompany the wrongdoing.  If you need to make amends, do it quickly, but don’t dwell in the land of guilt or in the stifling ditch of judgment.  Practice doing the next right thing from here on out, and if you screw it up, be aware of it and then continue your practice.  There is no need to create a disaster out of a bit of litter dropped on the ground.  Pick it up and then move forward.  Keep moving forward and reminding yourself that you are human.  Human beings can go from a place of ultimate acceptance to storming rage in two seconds flat.  If you find yourself doing this, consider yourself a human being and smile upon yourself.  Keep practicing and remind yourself that you are still getting acquainted to the child that you left in the wake of your running.  The child isn’t judging you.  The child is filled with unconditional love and acceptance, so return to her or him each time you make a mistake.

The path of recovery or of self-discovery is not a maze or a scavenger hunt.  It’s very simple and it’s right at the tip of your feet each day.  It’s not a boring place to be either.  It’s an incredibly exciting road to travel because you’re creating it as you go.  You feel like sliding, or swinging or jumping; then create yourself a playground!  Use your imagination.  Be creative with your life.  You are limitless when you are in touch with your inner child.  You are constantly forgiven, surrounded by grace and abundantly loved.  Trust me.  I’ve been re-acquainted with my inner child for a while now, and she doesn’t judge me.  She’s too busy beaming me with her joy.  There is not enough time in a day to keep up with her excitement for life!  Take a load off, turn around and meet yourself today.  I promise you the road is anything but boring!

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4 thoughts on “How Do I Remain on My Path? (Feeling Lost)

  1. Your writing is beautiful and inspiring.. My inner child is dieing to meet me and I am being shy and off putting.. I’m moved today to just be here in this moment and be.. Thank you for this today.. Xo

    1. AuntieLex, Thank you for your comment. If you are in the moment and moved, then you are right where you should be. Peace and take care of you!

  2. I think that this is exactly the kind of thing that many of us feared in our alcoholic / addicted selves – fearing ourselves. The true self. I know I feared it because I didn’t know it, and the unknown frightened me. I didn’t know if I would like that self. My ego and alcoholism told me that I was intrinsically “bad” and that no one would like me if they got to know the real me. So I disconnected from it. Alcohol allowed me to break off from myself on a regular basis. My playing small and jags of self-pity reinforced that. So when it came time to get sober and truly recover, I had to meet myself. And that frightened me, especially since I didn’t have my one go-to thing.

    That is where faith in the Creator and in having those men and women in the fellowship who have tread the path before me came in. Working a program of action that helped me shift my thinking, my perspective, my perceptions, my ideas of what and who I was. I still walk a bit guarded, but I am more open to that little boy. I am much closer to him than I ever was, but it’s not something that will happen overnight. But I welcome it. I am open to it. Because I have seen the evidence. It’s clear that we were meant to live like this.

    Thanks for this – wonderful post!

    Blessings,
    Paul

  3. Paul I always love and appreciate your comments, so thank you. Why do we deem ourselves to be so unworthy and innately bad? Why do we lack self worth? When I began seeing myself the way my creator sees me, I realized I was worth being loved and I began seeing myself with new eyes. We are not born bad. We are born pure. We are all so beautiful and unique. We need to trust that this is true about ourselves so that it begins shining through.

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