More often than not, I get ahead of myself. I plan, over think
things and analyze my life more than I’d like to admit. Lately I’ve been feeling extremely uncomfortable and restless. This occurs about once every four months or so (I’ve skillfully observed), but it certainly doesn’t last more than a week when I’m willing to shine a light on it and not buy into the discomfort as an eternal state of being. If I allow it to be with me, and even invite it into my experience, it will gently pass, and usually there is some emotional and spiritual growth involved.
Because things are going pretty well for me, and I feel good most of the time, I find myself thrown off by these uncomfortable moments in my sobriety. My relationship seems futile. My nerves are exposed. My thoughts are a wasteland of incomplete… I can’t even think of the word I’m looking for right now. It’s just frigging uncomfortable, and I’m feeling a little bit like a failure this week. I wonder when I’m going to be like a complete human being after so many years of self-sabotaging? Things go great for months at a time, and then something will arise out of nowhere, reminding me that I’m not emotionally capable of a lot of things that “normal” human beings are naturally equipped with, like say… nurturing. I get reminded of this all the time through the mirror of my relationship.
I don’t usually feel “less than,” but just yesterday while sitting in an office meeting with several successful co-workers (appearing polished and successful myself), my inner voice screamed, “You fraud. You are nothing like these people. You are still at the bottom of the totem pole. FRAUD. FRAUD. FRAUD.” I slipped out of the meeting immediately after it was finished, so as not to further present myself like I have it together. I’m good at bullshitting, but I’ve somewhat relinquished this mask. I only use it when absolutely necessary, and yesterday it was more necessary for me to get back to work.
You know, I’m doing my best with what I have. Sometimes it’s completely overwhelming for me, but I still move forward in my recovery. I continue to face the mirror when it presents itself, although there is still the inner tug of resistance. I’m making progress, although quite slowly at times. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I know this, but it’s frustrating to wake up some mornings knowing that I have a long way to go, when just yesterday I felt like I was at the top of a mountain. It’s these ebb and flows in my life that create inner havoc, reminding me that I must slow down and be patient with myself. It’s perfectly ok to feel incomplete some days. It doesn’t mean I am. It’s simply a feeling, that I certainly do not have to buy into.
It is important for me to write this today, because I often have an extremely positive attitude. My writing is on point most of the time, and I’m excited about my life more often than not… Yet then there are these dreadful moments, which are so important to acknowledge. I know others can relate, and I just want to remind myself today (and whomever else needs the reminder), that in recovery, we are doing our best. We must not compare ourselves with people who haven’t been down our crooked street. It will rip you apart if you do. Please remember to have patience with yourself during moments of restlessness, boredom, or discomfort, because they will surely pass. Let others know what you are experiencing, so that they have the opportunity to offer their patience as well. Be open to these experiences and allow them to move through you without buying into the belief that they are eternal. I’m going to spend the remainder of my day sitting with my discomfort, rather than lashing out at the world and my loved ones because of it. This too shall pass…</p>